I wasn't planning on posting a thread anywhere about my stupid self-pity, but today has been the worst day so far and it's only getting worse...

I can't go to PJ in Nijmegen next Thursday.

I'll start at the beginning. Early February, I had a complete breakdown, physically and mentally. Years of pent-up feelings and neglected "needs" all burst out at the same time - for no obvious reason at all - in a massive attack. I collapsed in the grocery store.
For the next few weeks I was terribly sick, I didn't get out of bed at all.
In the following months I slowly recovered, though still hardly able to do anything at all. I can't go out, can't go to the mall, can't do anything. I can't even stand to be around my 3-year-old nephew.
Everything is too much, just an easy trip somewhere feels like a rollercoaster ride.
In the beginning I didn't worry about PJ, I simply assumed I would be better in time. But around a month ago, every fiber in my body was already telling me NO WAY.
A couple of weeks ago I wasn't able to go to my brothers wedding because of this fucking condition.
Things at home are not easy. Both my parents are not in good shape, they fight all the time because they're so stressed out. And I'm dependent on my mom to go anywhere at all.
For all this time I've been at home. I don't know when I'll be able to go back to work and just live my life again.
I'm lonely. My friends don't come by, don't have time.
I'm getting help, counseling and such. But I know it will be at least another few months before things will go back to normal.

But PJ means more to me than anything. And all my friends are going, the radio is blaring ticket-givaway contests, and it just makes me sick with anger and frustration.
My folks know how much this band means to me, and they try to comfort me by reassuring me they will be back someday, and I love them for that. But right now I just feel like shit run over twice.

I'm sorry to bother you all with my shit. But I hope you will understand how I feel.

Thats Hot ...

Having gone through anxiety attacks, I totally feel for you. Unfortunately, you are right that it's going to take awhile to get back to feeling normal. However, like everything else, with time, it will get better. Hopefully, you've found a good counselor who can help you change the way you perceive things.

Do you have a ticket to the show? I would encourage you to go to the show. I know it's hard to even get out the front door, but try to think how you would feel if you actually went and made it through the show and had the greatest fucking time in the world. Those are the types of thoughts you need to focus on. Even though every fiber of your being is saying NO, you need to tell yourself, "fuck it, I'm doing it anyway. Damn the consequences."

Maybe if you post this blog on their myspace, they'll feel your pain and send you free tickets for another show.

First thing is that it isn't 'stupid self pity', your ill and you will get better.

I think I know how you feel, I suffered terribly a few years ago. I couldn't do anything, lost all interest in life and if I did go out just wanted to go back to my bed and sleep till I felt OK.

Think of something positive, no matter how small or insignificant. I think that greatly helped me get through it, breaking every second down and coming up with a positive for that moment in time and not thinking too much about the future in a bigger context than that.

Also counseling made a great difference, probably the pills too.

You will be OK.

It's not just the anxiety, it's also that I have no physical energy at all. Just a short walk with my dog leaves me pooped for an hour.
But you're right, anxiety is the biggest part of it. Maybe that's actually what's draining me, I dunno.
I have a great counseler, thankfully. I feel like she really understands me.

I do have a ticket yes, but believe me, I know there's no way I'm up to it.
Just the tv being on too loud makes my head spin.
Noise is the worst thing for me right now.

I'm scared, you know..? I'm just fucking scared.

A year ago I felt like I could take on the world, and now it's like all that's left of me is this scared little bird.

Thanks for all your kind words, you too pb21!

I feed off her tears.

real nice douchebags!
if you had any idea what she was going through you wouldn't be making jokes!

Hi Sway
I am kinda going through what you are at the moment...its been almost 16months and i'm getting back to where i want to be..the worst feeling was the fear of going crazy..it never happens but the fear feeds into a cycle..i tried CBT therapy (Cognitive behavioural Therapy) and it really helped..i have avoided medication as a result..also check out the site http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk its an excellent site for people suffering anxiety disorders, panic attacks or depression...all the best... pm me if you want any more info..it will get better if you deal with it in the right way..

Sway, I'll always love ya baby.

*:yield05:*

Hi Sway

A friend of mine went through some similar hardships after 9-11, although not as bad as you. And there were a few times we dragged him places that he didn't want to go to do stuff he always used to love, and he was thankful that we did every time. Is there someone safe you can go with, so that if you want to leave you can? if so, I'd defintiely try to make the effort, even if you have to abort halfway through

Good luck

Hi,

I'm sorry to read that. Yesterday I got a phone call from someone else who can not make it because of personal circumstances. I hope the both of you, and everyone in the same kind of situation, will know better times during the next tour! (and also without a tour, of course).

groetjes,
Mirella

P.S. I agree with Stip. If possible anyhow.

Thanks everyone for all your kinds words... It really helped me.

However, I'm not going tonight...
I know that in my current condition it's simply not realistic to think I *might* be able to go.. A couple of days ago I took a short bike ride (by myself!) and even that was a tiny victory. But a 25.000 people rock concert..? It's way to big a step.

I feel like hell today, I just do. I know of course there's things in life way worse than this, but still.. Not being able to see the band that has given me so much joy over the years...

I think I may actually write a letter to the band. If I send a letter to Ten Club, do you think there's a chance they will actually read it? (I'll still send it anyway)

Anyway, of course I hope that everyone who goes tonight will have a great time!
All that's left for me to do now is pray for their return to The Netherlands someday..

Eddie said something like this before YL in Copenhagen: "This is how we say goodbye. Well, not goodbye, but until next time"

I'm probably a bit off, but it sounded like they were planning to return to Europe again at a later stage, so see you down front then

thank you!!!

btw - my mom just bought me a bunch of 21 roses with a card signed "Eddie", and my dad bought pizza's as comfort food!

my parents are the best!

Small steps and looking at them as tiny victories is the right approach. The key is to focus on those and the positivity you feel from them, and not get too mad at yourself if you have a setback. You'll find yourself back at square one if that happens.

And bike riding is excellent. It's scientifically proven that aerobic exercise is just as effective at treating depression as antidepressants. Keep it up!

Don't feel too bad about tonight. You realize that there is a problem and the fact that you're getting help is wonderful.

I had a ticket to go to Gorge 2005, but I was not in the proper frame of mind to go. I was upset at myself at the time, but it all worked out for the better because I was able to apply my airline credit for not going on that trip on a trip to the San Diego show last year. And that show was phenomenal. My point is that you never know what's around the bend. Stay positive!