in b4 Burger King's King

Time for a good old arts and entertainment rant. There have been some awful campaigns in my time glued in front of the TV, but nowadays shit seems to be worse than ever. This doesn't count local commercial campaigns, like from grubbing car dealerships or bail bondsmen who almost invariably make their worst commercials into long, long, long campaigns, or from local cable companies who fill their unpurchased commercial time masturbating themselves on how much better they are than satellite, and how cable was basically responsible for pretty much every good thing humanity has experienced in the last two decades or so. Paid-program commercials (like Girls Gone Wild crap) are left out too.

My "bottom five" would definitely have to be:

5. Freecreditreport.com - after the horrible jingle with the guy continuously asking to guess the number he was thinking, they now have an emo band singing their advertising songs, turning their ending-up-being-not-so-free site toward the younger generation. One such song describes a hypothetical situation in which the singer regrets marrying his "dream girl" because she has bad credit after defaulting, and fantasizes about having his own house with a dog and a yard and far away from her. Really great reason to send a message about love: end your engagement for a defaulted credit card. Want a house? Rent one, you fucking asshole.

4. Apple - in yet another set of commercials geared at the "young hip crowd of today" undoubtedly created by a panel of cigar-smoking ad moguls who whack it privately to the stuff Pedobear likes and who probably all look exactly like the Microsoft guy portrayed in the commercials, this shit features a "cool, suave" young guy who represents an Apple, and a fat, predictably clueless and bumbling balding old man to represent Microsoft. The grating background music sounds like someone wound up one of those small, spinning ballerina figurines and recorded the dinky bell chimes from it. This one wins the award for "most transparent commercial(s) ever." I didn't buy an Apple largely because of these commercials and how much like those commercials a good part of Apple owners are.

3. Carl's Junior/Hardee's - ever since the personification of slop in these commercial abortions, I've not eaten at either name for this same restaurant save one time when it was the only restaurant in a small town on the highway home. I certainly didn't see anything drip all over my fucking face and lap like I was a baby eating pudding with his hands.

2. Any company with Christmas song bastardizations - and this is coming from a non-Christian. I'm so sick of dumb lyrics replacing the typical carols, as if hearing them piped over mall Musak or covered by emo bands or sung in every crappy Christmas special rerun wasn't bad enough already. In my area, Christmas commercials are running at above a 50% rate every break, and they're either:

a) The above-mentioned shitty emo band cover or dumb lyric replacement of a carol; this year the target song seems to be "Carol of the Bells" or whatever it's called, which used to be my favorite until it was trashed four times by four entirely different companies. "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" also fell the other day, and I think that finally ran the whole gauntlet on all the popular carols. The replacement lyrics are always terrible, and never, ever funny.

b) A recycled commercial as old as the Charley Brown Christmas Special (what is it, Bud Light that's had the same one for like twenty years now?)

c) Some dumb Santa "skit"

Mute time! Also, I hope whichever car company is doing the "duh" "carol" is going to get super-sued by mentally handicapped groups, just because of how duh-stupid the commercials themselves are (LULZ IRONY).

1. Chevrolet - I've now moved "Our Country" up to my number one spot of "worst song of all time," trumping what I thought to be a forever undefeated "Drop It Like It's Hot." Every time these commercials play (if I can't find the remote to mute it immediately, that is) I invariably think of some old hypothetical Volkswagen commercial on a German WWII TV (if they existed back then) playing "Horst-Wessel-Lied" in the background.

Worst. Song. Ever. Worst commercial campaign ever, too, and I guess I'll never see it come to an end.

DISCUSS HEARTILY YOUR OWN WORST NIGHTMARES DURING THE FOOTBALL GAME, COMEDY CENTRAL, ETC. BREAKS, COMRADES

You forgot American Apparel. Not commercials per se, but super disturbing nonetheless.

I'm missing these ... link plox?

Also an honorable mention to the person who I see every single break during a football game: Peyton Manning. What is he in bed with now, four companies? The credit card Manning "talks" (it was actually kind of funny the first time I admit), the DirectTV or whatever where he's shown ducking down his head, the one where he's going through the doors in a hotel looking at all the somewhat scary shots of his receiving corps (another LULZ IRONY was when pretty much everyone behind the doors was injured), the watch commercial, maybe some more I can't think of right now ... Christ. And honestly, as much as I hate the Patriots' coach for totally losing his class this year, I completely respect Brady - how many commercials have we seen him in, and who has the Super Bowl team this year? Right. I used to think Manning was a class-act leader, but now I'm beginning to think he's starting to make it all about himself.

I know you said no cable companies, but I've got to mention how awful Suddenlink's ads are. They feature some everyman comic by the name of Mike Birbiglia and are never, ever, funny.

Terrible indeed, but Mediacom in Iowa is worse. They really, honestly probably do think cable is responsible for pretty much all but evolving mankind into a new, superior species; they also seem to believe that satellite = Satan. Plus, Mediacom has an ad space about ... selling ad space on Mediacom. The videos all look like they have the quality of a Division III state school film student on his home video cam. Fucking AWFUL.

In Not-So-Much-Memoriam Award: "WASUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!?!?" campaign.

I absolutely hated all those commercials and every person who ever mimicked them. I could stick a daggar in someone's eye for saying that "WASUUUUUUUUP" shit if they caught me in the wrong mood.

Personally, I find all commercials to be perfectly comfortable with the title: worst current commercial.

how does this figure into it at all?

Although it got old quick, I loved the WASSUP thing. The video with the Superfriends is hilarious.

Speaking of, every cologne commercial in the world is a potential worst-of candidate before it even goes into production. Christ, those things are retarded.

The Jared commercials are the worst. Especially the one with the girl texting her two idiot friends.

"He went to Jared!"

Add Zales and Kay and all those other jewelry places to the list.

i vote for those singing birds and wolves

and rachel ray and her fucking dunkin donuts muffins.... "DELICSH!!!!!"

i would hate fuck the stupid out of her!

That's goddamn impressive if you have that kind of stamina!

possibly i'd just start punching her in the face after a few pumps

but you get the idea

I feel like there's a commercial on for Sonic every 10 minutes...yet I don't think there's one withing 200 miles of my house.

These commercials are passable because they keep the 4chan mini-meme alive. I might start a carbon copy of such a thread type in GD. 'Tis full of lulz.

this a magazine ad or TV ad?

also for GOOD commercials: I like the whole "dude" thing. I just hope it doesn't become an IRL meme like wassuuuuup. My brother and I have been using that term for similar situations to each other for over a decade (which is why I find it so funny).

fails: Tay Zonday and "Cherry Chocolate Rain"
*-I move away from the mic to sell out