Mr. Burns' assistant, Waylon Smithers, nearly works himself into a nervous breakdown and is forced to go on a vacation. Fearing that whoever fills in for him in his absence might replace him permanently, Smithers places Homer Simpson in the job, figuring that there's no way the plant's worst employee could possibly be a threat. Homer approaches the job with enthusiasm, but finds that much of his day is taken up with being insulted by Mr. Burns. Finally, one day Homer snaps and punches Burns square in the face. To everyone's surprise, the punch actually whacks some decency and humility into Burns. When Smithers returns from his vacation, he finds that his worst fear has come true: Burns no longer needs him. Together Homer and Smithers concoct a plan to prove how valuable Smithers is to Burns, but when the plan backfires, Smithers and Homer get into a vicious fight and accidentally send their boss flying out the window. Later, while laid-up in bed with broken bones, Burns rehires Smithers as his assistant and Smithers sends the Simpson family a fruit basket to thank Homer for saving his job.
Announcer: Welcome, welcome, welcome to an evening of exciting quarter-mile action, action, action! Our first race is a benefit for daredevil Lance Murdoch, Murdoch, Murdoch, who's hospitalized with cirrhosis of the liver, liver, liver! [crowd cheers] Homer: All right! Liver!
Burns: You should've seen the murderous glint in his eyes, Smithers. And his breath reeked of beer and pretzeled bread. Smithers: I'm so sorry, Mr. Burns. This was all my fault. Burns: Don't concern yourself. If things had turned ugly, I always had my mace. Smithers: Don't let me off the hook that easily, sir. I failed you and I'll never forgive myself. [bangs his head on the steering wheel] Never, never, never... [Burns rolls up the window between himself and Smithers] [muffled] Never, never, never... [phone ringing; Smithers on other end] Never, never, never!
Burns: Pull yourself together, man. I daresay you're in need of a long vacation. Smithers: No! Don't make me take a vacation! Without you I'll wither and die! Burns: That's a risk I'm willing to take.
Smithers: I've got to find a replacement that won't outshine me. Perhaps if I searched the employee evaluations for the word [types] "Incompetent"... [computer reports: 714 matches found] 714 names? Better be more specific. [keeps typing] "lazy","clumsy", "dim witted", "monstrously ugly" [computer searches, then reports: 714 matches found] Oh, nuts to this! I'll just go get Homer Simpson.
Homer: Um, is this the chair I'll be sitting on? Smithers: Yeah. [Homer plays with the chair] Now, I realize caring for Mr. Burns seems like a big job, but... actually it's just 2,800 small jobs. Homer: Uh huh. But this IS the chair, right?
Homer walks in Burns' kitchen, and is lost by the diversity and complexity of all the equipment. "Hmm... one of these must be a breakfast maker," he wonders. Homer gets into the spirit: "Well, it's my job to cook him breakfast, and I'm gonna cook the best damn breakfast he ever ate." He tries to cook a shish kebab on the burner, but is puzzled when the whole thing ends up in flames. As his next attempt, he breaks the window of the microwave door, and inserts another shish kebab. The waves going through his arm don't seem to affect him, but this time it's the microwave which is burning. As a last resort, he pours some Corn Flakes and milk in a bowl, and gets annoyed when this breakfast ends up in the same way as his previous attempts.
Bart: Look alive, Simpson, I'm not paying you to goldbrick. Homer:[wakes up] Uh... Yes sir. Bart: Now get cracking on my long division, and don't forget to show your work, Simpson. Homer: I'll have it on your desk tomorrow morning, sir. Lisa: Bart, leave Simpson alone! [whispering to Homer] Simpson, I needa ride to the library. Homer: Yes sir. Marge: Kids, stop exploiting your father. Homie, why don't you lie down and relax? Homer: No time, Marge. I thing Mr. Burns wants me to do some long division. Marge:[authoritatively] Simpson, lie down! [Homer does so] Sorry, but you need a good night's rest.
Burns: Must call Smithers, he'll protect me from this beast. [looks at his phone] I've seen people activate this machine a thousand times. Doesn't seem to be any trick to it. Let's see, Smithers... S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. Success, it's ringing! Moe: Moe's tavern. Burns: I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Waylon. Moe: Oh... So you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon is it? Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes, and shove 'em down your pants, so you can watch kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat! Burns puts the receiver in a drawer, locks it, and sits back behind the plant. He bemoans his fate. "Oh, Smithers, if you could only hear me..." Back at the resort, Smithers senses these words and stops driving his boat, sending a pyramid of water-skiing men into it.
Homer: I just feel terrible about getting Mr. Smithers fired. That job was all he had. Imagine how YOU'D feel Marge if you got fired from the... those... things that... you do. Bart: Quick Mom, whip up a cake before Dad fires ya!
Burns: Oh, and as for that brutish fellow who knocked me out the window, see that he gets what's coming to him. Smithers: I already have, sir. [cut to Homer and his family enjoy a huge "Thank You" basket] Bart: What did you get that for? Homer: For knocking Mr. Burns out of a 3rd story window. Bart: Makes sense to me. Lisa: Did he die? Homer: What am I, a doctor?
_________________ Gotta say it now.... better loud than too late.
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