critique as much as you'd like


On a spring evening, a young
Woman is smoothing the
Wrinkles of a dress.
As music, light and rhythmic
Like rain falling on the damp
Ground, seeps into her room,

And a hic up of stress rises up
As a newly practiced smile,
Like the jingle of coins in
Anxious hands, stretches
Across her round, cream
Colored face.

Three blocks down, a young man,
A light, brown jacket draped about
His tall frame, Visits a flouriest,
Under a red, tile roof.

Reaching into his pocket
He inquires about the weather
As the proprietor, as earnest as child,
Tells of two looming
Storms in the area

It seems, the man states,
That if these two were to meet,
Why, the place would never be
The same, and he parades
A hand out like a small
Eddy, to the park across
The street.

The young man, with a wave
Of thanks continues on,
Traversing the cracks on the sidewalk,
Until reaching her door, where a light,
In which a slender silhouette dances
In an air of restlessness, flashes on,
As he knocks in a careful rhythm on
A rain filled evening.

this is all one sentence, not two. if you want two sentences in that stanza, take out the "as" before music.



hiccup. some of the line breaks are a little awkward. i'd probably have "like the jingle of coins / in anxious hands, / stretches across her round, / cream colored face."



this whole stanza is awkward. instead try "three blocks down, a young man / visits a florist under a red tile roof. / a light brown jacket / is draped about his tall frame."



make this two sentences. period after weather, take out "as." also, i wondered why you didn't bring the change in nervous hands bit back. i assume that if he's gone to a flower shop, he's picking something up and that he'd need to pay.



again, two sentences. period after same, take out "and." i might play up the hand, stating that it's "steady" in comparison to the other character's "nervous" hands. the final line seems odd set off by itself. is there a significance to the street?



you write passively. try instead "the young man continues on / with a wave of thanks. / he traverses the cracks in the sidewalk / until he reaches her door. / a light flashes on and inside / a slender silhouette dances / in an air of restlessness. / he knocks in a careful rhythm on / a rain filled evening."

now, i think there's more that you could do with this. the hand imagry could be carried throughout the piece. you can also carry the storm/massive change metaphor further. watch your commas. you split things up where they don't need to be split. you also tend to split up phrases "a light / flashes on" is actually two lines apart.

it's a good poem, and i liked it quite a bit.

fantastic imagery.

I'm liking the ideas and critisims, I'll throw this up on the proverbial canvas and post the changes before I turn in.

On a spring evening, a young
Woman is smoothing the
Wrinkles of a dress.
Music, light and rhythmic
Like rain falling on the damp
Ground, seeps into her room,

A newly practiced smile,
Like the jingle of coins in
Anxious hands, stretches
Across her round, cream
Colored face.

Three blocks down, a young man,
Visits a flouriest, under a red, tile roof.
A light, brown jacket
Is draped about his tall frame.

Reaching diffidently into his pockets
He inquires about the weather as coins
Shuffle in his hands.
The proprietor, as earnest as a child,
Tells of two looming
Storms in the area.

It seems, the man deliberately
States, that if these two were
To meet, why the place would never be
The same; and he parades a careful
And steady hand out like a small
Eddy, in a sign of warning.

The young man continues on,
And with a wave of thanks
He traverses the cracks on the sidewalk.
A light flashes on and inside,
A slender silhouette dances
In an air of restlessness as he knocks
In careful rhythm on a rain filled
Evening.