righty-o-dokey this is new and my concerted attempt at structure. Might end up being a song, am just worried it is too obvious...


She purges herself to stomach him
the saviour no longer exists
watch as she moves uneasy and fades away to nothing.

Trying hard to not go back
but a whore is where her heart is
In her sleep he sits astride her
contorting and twisting inside her

The mistakes are her own
she earnt them alone
and she can't be reached to touch
because she was never real

so he goes back to the start
to tear her apart
and she takes it, again and again.

wow

felt like a punch on the chest, woman. i really like it!

thanks mate, i was hoping you would respond. I took on board what you said about structure and i'm happy with the focus you gave me. Cheers

To echo Dea's comments, extremely bold, powerful and hard hitting - good writing

I like this a lot. Especially the first line ("She purges herself to stomach him") and the title line ("a whore is where her heart is"). Great work.

I don't like it a lot, but it's not bad. Good work.

I agree with this:

First off ... really nice.

now the tough part

I don't like the "fades away to nothing" line... to cliche and i think you need to stick with the sexual images here...


how about something like

the saviour no longer exists
but in her mouth she can pleasure the pain

I don't know... like I said I think the sexual content works really well in this... it's the whole pleasure/pain thing... sometimes it's hard to do without sounding cliche...

again, nice work...

yeah i felt that line was weak too, and this I like alot


thanks for the input