I already posted this in GD way back, but I thought I'd post it here since it's better suited for this forum.

This is for my English class. We had to write a paper modeling Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal", in which he advocates eating Irish children to solve the problems of Ireland and England. It's basically a ridiculous, sarcastic, and offensive solution to a real problem. Anyways, here's mine.

*Note: The opinions represented herein do not represent those of the author.

A Modest Proposal

For fixing our great nation’s ever-present problem of quality and implementation of Education to those of the younger generation.

Developed by N. Robert Dunaway, Esq.


It has recently come to my attention that the vast majority of the youth of this nation are little more than uneducated nincompoops, barely able to keep from soiling themselves, let alone diagram a complex sentence. Indeed, one often wonders how these modern imbeciles make the connections of various synapses necessary to draw breath. Their lack of proper education is evident as both a detriment to themselves and the efforts of this sovereign nation to procure any sort of respect from the global community. While little lads in Germany are becoming proficient with the abacus and the astrolabe, American children are busy painting themselves up on quests to imbibe alcohol, lighting their own flatulence on fire, reading magazines, or worse. Should we continue on our present course, our great experiment will become a confederacy of dunces, able to do little more than watch each other be complete jackasses on some sort of moving-picture box, should such a contraption come into popularity.

However, the intelligentsia of this nation (however few there are of our kind remaining) need to have no fear, for I, always your public servant, have, at great sacrifice to both my mental and emotional faculties, developed a solution to the conundrum we find ourselves in. Rather than trying to restore the quality of education in this nation (at task that would be bothersome at best and nigh impossible at worst), I have formulated a solution that is sure to not only improve the education of our brood, but to strengthen the very moral and philosophical fiber of our bastion of freedom. My solution to this grievous problem, in short: rather than allowing the illiterate morons of the lower classes to continue producing semi-Epsilon quality half-wits, and forcing the mentally endowed into a birth-race to balance out such mental invalids, I will take the burden of all procreation with the female sex upon myself, in order to produce only intelligent children that will have no need of an education system.

You may find this proposal shocking; you may find it beyond reason; your very monocles may be dropping out of their surprised eye sockets at what that I have just set upon the table of reason. But this revolutionary admission is not the product of a madman, but rather a declaration of sacrifice and goodwill towards the people themselves. Allow me to present the justifications for my argument in a proper fashion, with respect to all levels of society and the various worries and outcries that may arise within them.

But first, an assurance of my ability to accomplish the duty I have burdened myself with, and a list of my desirable attributes. I am by all accounts of superior intelligence; it is often said that I am so mentally advanced that I am the only one capable of appreciating my own cerebral acumen to its fullest extent. I am in possession of such rhetorical powers that my own daily responsibilities are often deemed too base to occupy my precious time (by myself, of course) and must be delegated to my underlings. I am also quite handsome; it is a frequent occurrence that a passerby cannot set eye on my visage without their jaw dropping open and various gurgling sounds emanating from their throat, all at the mere sight of my magnificence.

I am also quite capable of accomplishing my task in the physical realm, residing now in the prime of my sexual capacity. Indeed, I imagine I could perform the acts necessary for procreation several hundred times in a week, at my lowest estimate, and perhaps a thousand, if given breaks for recuperation and light refreshment at regular intervals. I am confident in these assessments, having imagined such hypothetical situations for the majority of my life.

Now that my own qualifications have been established, I would like to address the sector of society that my arduous task will most benefit: the lower classes. Yes, the foul future beneficiaries of what will be years of back breaking labor, it is for you that I have devised my plan to save our great nation. No longer will you be required to breed, as those duties will be satisfied by me, and you ( “you” meaning those of the gruffer sex) will all be gently and humanely sterilized. Doesn’t that sound nice? Of course, you may miss having children of your own, but the feelings of love and tenderness you may have had for prospective offspring will soon be replaced by the thrill of moving picture shows, government administered sedatives, seeing my beautiful, intelligent children, and, of course, manual labor, until you are gradually removed from the gene pool, having done the nation a great service. What more could you ask for? As for your children, they will be immediately removed from their now defunct schools and set to work for the Administration of Strategic Birthing, of which I will be head, the nubile young females serving as the new soldiers in our fight against stupidity, and the thick-skulled males being drafted to fight in our glorious Army, where they will (hopefully) have the opportunity to perish in defense of their great nation, and its new Stud-Secretary.

As for the males of the middle and upper classes, you will also be sterilized, more in the name of equality and freedom of impotence than any rational aim while your sisters, daughters, and in special cases, mothers, shall all fall under the loving and productive umbrella of my new administration. Having actually benefited from education, you may wonder what the children of your classes will do now that education is abolished. The answer is simple. They will do nothing. They will be able to do nothing because our already great economy will soar to the stratosphere, bolstered by the joy that such copious breeding (once again, done only by me) will produce. In fact, the entire population of proper citizens will be able to sink into the warm arms of laziness and obscurity, comforted by the fact that I will be breeding for their sake, without stopping, every hour of every day of every month of every year, until our nation is once again comprised wholly of intelligentsia, and perhaps past that point, should I deem it desirable for the welfare of the nation. Of course, being so preoccupied with the redemption of our nation from the foul clutches of mediocrity, I will have no time for a wife and children of my own, and will be seen in history as one of the great martyrs of progress. If it must be so, I am fully willing; the call of those in need will always outweigh my own desires.

In closing, should my proposal be put into effect, it will not only save the education of this nation, but its very soul as well. My sacrifice will be a beacon of hope to all the peoples of the world, illustrating that with humanity, vision, a soft jazz record, and a fifth of fine cognac, great men can accomplish anything they set their minds to, including state-sanctioned reproduction of grandiose size.

With great humanity (and even greater anticipation),

N. Robert Dunaway, Esq.

..


Aww...freshman year English 101!

It's actually from senior year english, I copied and pasted that part.

Very good man, I've brought A Modest Proposal up a couple of times here and there (I even suggested a PJ boycott if they didn't get their backsides to Europe in the same vein) and it's not been a huge success. Well adapted, and very funny.

Thanks!

Lulz IB English 4!