Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2004 12:30 am Posts: 881 Location: Australia
Don't be sorry 'dai I'd rather forget' is more of a figure of speech. It's moments like those mentioned above that help define other aspects of my life.
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Joined: Tue May 30, 2006 2:48 pm Posts: 3115 Location: Edinburgh/Lincoln, UK
1 nad short wrote:
i think it's elegantly tragic, and there is beauty in sadness.
I like it greenie
Yeah, i'm more on this side too. The emotion came through well.
I would have liked to have seen a refrain though, like using the first stanza as a first and last stanza, perhaps? Or maybe just ending the piece with a new stanza but finishing on thes last two lines:
'On light and whim hath come wherein
The dreams of those departed'
That might be a terrible idea, i'm not sure, but it is YOUR poem and it's easily good enough as it is, really
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2004 12:30 am Posts: 881 Location: Australia
iceagecoming wrote:
1 nad short wrote:
i think it's elegantly tragic, and there is beauty in sadness.
I like it greenie
Yeah, i'm more on this side too. The emotion came through well.
I would have liked to have seen a refrain though, like using the first stanza as a first and last stanza, perhaps? Or maybe just ending the piece with a new stanza but finishing on thes last two lines: 'On light and whim hath come wherein The dreams of those departed'
That might be a terrible idea, i'm not sure, but it is YOUR poem and it's easily good enough as it is, really
Not a terrible idea at all, and I think either of those would flow very well, but for what I was expressing here I didn't feel anything needed repeating.
Cheers for those comments though, they may come in handy in future pieces.
_________________ Don't thank me, thank the gravitational pull of the earth's moon.
Joined: Sat Mar 25, 2006 10:56 pm Posts: 230 Location: Orange County, California
greendisease wrote:
On light and whim hath come wherein The dreams of those departed That hover by the sickly spring That dread the broken hearted
Far in the night that hides doth light Within the dark and dreary With solace from the evenings mind So weak, and limp and weary
A sight for thee on bended knee in truth forever ailing for nestled in the withered tree of honesty, its failing
What dreams do lie on yonder tide Forever lay deciding Will wake astride the morning side and ever more be guiding.
When I say that it seems like you're trying too hard, I don't mean that it's bad. I don't mean it in any disrespectful manner. It just seems like it's trying too hard to be classically "poetic" (e.g. doth, thee, yonder) now, that's just fine, there are no problems with that. But it seems like you're using them to add some additional eloquence. Again, the language is fine when that's what you're going for, however, it doesn't flow with the rest of the poem, I don't feel. It's a slight clash of classic and modern.
When I say it was "nice" I don't mean that it was in the sense of butterflies and magic. I was only referring to the "nice" lyrical flow and the use of a certain pathos.
I like the poem, I just feel it would have been twice as good if it stayed in one sort of stream. It's a meeting of two paradigms, I feel. But, honestly, I don't know shit, so don't take me seriously.
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Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2004 12:30 am Posts: 881 Location: Australia
All5Horizons wrote:
greendisease wrote:
On light and whim hath come wherein The dreams of those departed That hover by the sickly spring That dread the broken hearted
Far in the night that hides doth light Within the dark and dreary With solace from the evenings mind So weak, and limp and weary
A sight for thee on bended knee in truth forever ailing for nestled in the withered tree of honesty, its failing
What dreams do lie on yonder tide Forever lay deciding Will wake astride the morning side and ever more be guiding.
When I say that it seems like you're trying too hard, I don't mean that it's bad. I don't mean it in any disrespectful manner. It just seems like it's trying too hard to be classically "poetic" (e.g. doth, thee, yonder) now, that's just fine, there are no problems with that. But it seems like you're using them to add some additional eloquence. Again, the language is fine when that's what you're going for, however, it doesn't flow with the rest of the poem, I don't feel. It's a slight clash of classic and modern.
When I say it was "nice" I don't mean that it was in the sense of butterflies and magic. I was only referring to the "nice" lyrical flow and the use of a certain pathos.
I like the poem, I just feel it would have been twice as good if it stayed in one sort of stream. It's a meeting of two paradigms, I feel. But, honestly, I don't know shit, so don't take me seriously.
I see where you are are coming from, and I do agree with you. Sometimes when reading it back I think 'hmm is it too much?'. However, when I think about it, it really does capture exactly where I was in my head when I wrote it, and thats really what I'm aiming for.
One thing I don't quite get, and I do appreciate the feedback, is the clash of classic and modern. I understand the classic, but not where you see the modern, of course I am biased to a point, but I honestly can't see it.
Can you show me which parts so I can understand your point of view?
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