Chapter Five – In Between


The ashes of John Barleycorn had long been scattered by the drizzling winds that announced the end of autumn, unbalancing the scale between days and nights as the hours from dusk to dawn became longer.

Susanna had never been happier and more miserable at the same time in her whole life.

Her mother’s health had reached what seemed to be a point of no return and lately she had been restrained to her quarters under the care of a nurse. Her confused mental state would toss her from extreme joy to extreme sadness. Susanna had been struggling against the general consensus that her mother should eventually be sent to a mental institution.

Leo was the only one against it. An orphan himself since early childhood, he strongly resented the idea of sending a parent away despite her mental health.

He had been the floating board that had kept Susanna’s head above the surface. Their love had kept her warm when ghostly shivers would go up and down her spine every time she heard her mother moaning in bed at night. The weigh of his body on top of hers on the rough ground of the cave had anchored her when she felt as if she were being dragged to the bottomless chasm of despair. When it had become too cold to venture a ride to the cave, he would walk the long hallway to her room every night unashamed of the suspicious look of the nurse every morning. He needed her more than ever as much as she needed him and he would not leave her alone in her time of misery.

In their nightly cluster of bliss they would tell each other everything about their life before. How his parents had died in a car crash about twenty years ago when he was just five and he had moved away from his homeland with his older brother to live with an old auntie. His brother had been killed in action during the war and he had found himself alone in the world at age sixteen when the old auntie had died shortly after. A couple of years later when the war was about to end, he had done all he could to survive but sell his body before joining the army himself. After serving he had met the Camerons again by fluke; they had known his auntie a long way back and had invited him to work at the manor when the Professor hired them almost three years ago. It had been the best time in his life and he was very grateful.

She told him all the bad things that she had been through since the war. But soon she needed good memories so badly that she began to tell him fairytales, or so he thought, about a magical place where she and her brothers and sister had been kings and queens and had fought battles and conquered evil against all odds. He would listen and fall asleep, his face on her breast, a smile on his lips.

* * *
Leo had witnessed more than once as Susanna had woken up mumbling her dream tune. She had told him that she had been dreaming those words and that melody; but she could not tell him more. That she felt, then again, knew, that it was a calling; a calling from her dead sister. No, that was too much, even for him. She could not tell him that it had not been the face of the Goddess she had seen on Beltane but the face of Lu calling out her name.

She was quite sure by now that the words in her tune were a riddle, a key to a portal that could take her to her lost ones. But she could not go, not now, not with her mother’s illness.

Not after Leo.

* * *


Nonetheless, soon a couple of disturbing events would take place to change her mind.


* * *


The first one was a most unexpected and rather unwanted visit by Augusta Llewellyn-Parker in the flesh. And moreover with an offer to take over the whole business, manor and inn and join the two neighbouring estates into one.

“I hearr yourr motherr has been feeling… rratherr unwell, my dearr, is it so?” She asked after literally invading the living room uninvited by Susanna who by an evil turn happened to be alone at the manor.

“How does the old bitch know?” She asked herself remaining on her feet while Augusta made herself comfortable.

“My mother is being looked after.” She replied between her teeth as shivers began to run up and down her spine. She reached for the pocket in her coat and enjoyed a feeling of reassurance as her fingers touched the sachet of dry herbs, her old lucky charm against malevolent powers. It could not have been more appropriate for the occasion.

“I understand that although yourr little enterrprrise has been mildly successful… So farr… It migh be a rrelief to you, my dearr to be rreleased of such a burrden. If you had money at hand you could prrovide prroperr carre to yourr dearrest motherr…” The seemingly attempt too look as if she really cared, like a human being, so to speak, never became her. Susanna could see the greyish eyes as a vulture’s glance and she did not miss when the woman swiftly wiped off a smudge of drool from the corner of her mouth.

“I’m awfully sorry…” Susanna replied slowly. “Sorry my ass,” she was actually thinking. “But I really do not have a say in this matter. I’m sure you’re aware of the fact that I have business partners and a non-negotiable clause concerning the property of the manor.” She knew that Augusta was aware of all the legal aspects; she was not the woman to come unprepared to a business appointment.

“Indeed…? Oh, that is most unforrtunate.”

“I guess it is. To you.” Susanna thought slowly becoming sick as she recognized a twitch of mouth she had seen before. In Spencer.

“But who is in a hurrry?” Augusta gave un unpleasant smile aware that Susanna might be, considering the current status of her mother’s health. “Just do not turrn down my oferr at once. I can come back in… Fourr months, perhaps?”

“I would be terribly sorry if you would waste your precious time. Now or in four months I believe the situation would be the same.” Susanna spoke calmly, sure of herself, finally in control.

“Oh my dearr, who knows what can happen in fourr months…” The icy smile made the threat pretty obvious.

Susanna smiled back showing her the door as a way of putting an end to the conversation. Then she quickly tucked both hands in her pockets to avoid the disgusting wet cold handshake she knew too well.

“Who knows…” She wondered later as she sighed at the sight of Augusta’s car disappearing around the bend.

Maybe she could. “Go ahead and you will see what has yet not come to be.” Could it be also a key to the future?

* * *


The other was a more disconcerting conversation with her mother.

Susanna was having breakfast in the kitchen when the nurse, Mrs. Bailey, came downstairs with her mother’s breakfast tray.

“Mornin’, miss Susanna. The poor thing just sipped the tea today… I’ll try some broth in a couple of hours…” She shook her head.

Susanna shook her head in turn. It was not out of contempt that the nurse called her mother “the poor thing”; but it was annoying anyways.

“Thank you, Mrs. Bailey.” She replied hopelessly.

The nurse began to wash the dishes humming as she went on.

Susanna froze, the teacup halfway to her mouth. Mrs. Bailey was singing her dream tune.

“Hmmm… Mrs. Bailey, what is this tune that you’re singing?” She asked as matter-of-factly as she could.

“Hmm… I don’t know to be honest. You happen to hum it now and then yourself, huh? It sticks to your mind…” She smiled and Susanna sighed with relief.

“But now that you ask… Your mother seems to be very fond of this little tune… The poor thing believes it can bring her de… I mean, her children back, imagine that…” She turned to look at Susanna but she was already running up the staircase, two steps at a time.


* * *



Her mother was dozing off when Susanna got in the room.

“Mom?” She spoke softly at first. “ When the fairy child sings… Hear the secret that she brings…” She sang softly as she came closer to the bed.

“Look inside and you will see…”

“All the things that used to be…” Her mother sang along with an expression of bliss on her face. “Susanna, dear, you know the song too!” Her face lit as she raised her head from the pillows.

“I do, mom.” She sat teary-eyed on the side of the bed and held her mother’s hands. “Tell me about the song, mom.” Her heart was beating fast.

“Hmmm… I better not.” Her mother sat up tapping Susanna’s hands and smiled. “It’s a secret, you know.”

“Please, mom…” Susanna’s face was pale with fear as she tried to keep control of herself not to scare her mother in turn. “I have a secret too. Maybe it’s the same secret…”

“Hmm… So you tell me yours and I tell you mine!” She smiled and wiggled her shoulders like a child getting ready to play.

“Maybe you could begin… Tell me yours first…”

“Why, dear? Because I’m weak in the head now?” She frowned tipping her index finger in her forehead.

Susanna froze.

“Oh, silly, I’m just teasing you!” She laughed shaking her head and touching Susanna with a thin warm hand on the face.

“Mom…” Susanna shook her head in turn and smiled, making an inhuman effort not to cry.

“I get it! Let’s play a guessing game!”

“Huh?” Susanna was shocked.

“You know, you say a word about my secret and I say if it’s hot, warm, cold, frozen…”

“Mother…” Susanna looked down and caressed her mother’s hands unable to look her in the face.

“Oh, let’s! It will be fun! Remember how we all played together?”

Susanna closed her eyes and sighed. It was heartbreaking to see her mother, the Anna Marie Pavensy she had known in such a pitiful state. But if that was the only way she could find out what her mother knew, then she would play along.

“Lu.” She pressed her lips.

“Warm!”

“Warm?” She was devastated now with the realization of the absurd situation she was taking part in.

“No, no, no hints!” Her mother put on a serious face.

“Peter.” She felt as if shades were falling upon her.

“HONK!” Her mother cried frowning. “That’s beyond frozen, dear.” She explained still with the serious face.

“Ed.” There was no one else, actually.

“Warm-er…” But that’s not fair, there are only three of them anyways”. Her mother made a funny face.

“Ed’s… child?” that was a wild guess, but the song was about a fairy child…

“FIRE! FIRE!” Her mother was so happy clapping her hands that Susanna laughed though she had the feeling that she would burst into tears any minute.

“I think I deserve a prize now, mom…” She tried again.

“Yes you certainly do!” Her mother leaned back for a while immersed in her considerations. “But it is a fun game, is it not?” She was a little sad now remembering better days now gone forever.

“It’s a fine game, mom. Thank you…” Susanna kissed her warms hands.

“You’re more than welcome, daughter.” Her mother had never called her that. “They’re coming, you know.” She said after a while.

“I know, mom.” And then she decided to push further. “I’ve been thinking… What if they’re not really coming?” Her mother stirred a little. “No, I didn’t mean it like that…” She seemed to understand. “I mean, what if they… Lu and Ed’s child, they’re calling … Us… To go to them?” The words sounded totally surreal spoken out loud.

“Susanna, darling, you mean die?” Her mother was suddenly lucid. “Are you out of your mind? You’re not planning to kill yourself, are you? You can’t, you promised you would not leave me!”

“No!” Susanna was suddenly alarmed. “That’s not what I mean!” Susanna squeezed her mother’s hands as she looked at her startled. “Mom… What if there was another… World… Where they live happily and fall in love and have children and everything is wonderful?” Now she could understand Lu’s desperation when they had not believed her they first time she had made the crossing.

“HA! So that’s your secret!” Her mother wiggled her shoulders again and laughed. “I I I knoow your seee-cret!”

“Oh my Goddess.” Every now and then she would use Julia’s favourite expression. This time it came out as a prayer.

“Mom, listen to me!” Susanna looked as hard as she could to her mother, biting in her tears.

“Yes, daughter.” She looked as if she was finally listening.

“Do you think I’m mad?”

“But of course not, dear.” She hesitated. “A little distraught sometimes… Stubborn…” She smiled faintly as if she were adding “but I love you anyways…”

“Do you think that believing in the song and the secret and that our loved ones are alive in a better world makes a me mad?”

“Hmm… No, dear. It’s a way better than many to deal with… loss.” She placed a hand on her chest with a sigh.

“Do you believe there’s something more… More than we can perceive with our senses?”

“Miracles? Yes, dear, I believe in miracles…”

“So we believe in the same things, right? And I’m not mad.”

“Right…” And her face lit with understanding. “You mean… I’m not really that bad, am I? “She smiled. ”There might be hope for me then.”

“Exactly.” Susanna sighed with relief.

“But I feel so sad all the time… So tired…” Her mother shook her head with a frown, searching Susanna’s face for some sense.

“It’s just the bad way your mind chose to deal with loss. It’s been so much harder on you, mom…”

“Oh, yes.” She shut her eyes.

“Look at me, mom.” Susanna touched her mother’s face. “I want you to promise me something.” She drew in deeply and went on. “Whatever you do from now on, you have to believe, no, you have to know in your heart that believing in miracles is not wrong. This is not what makes you ill.” She looked intensely in her mother’s eyes. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“Yes.” She was fully awake for a moment.

“Promise.” Susanna held her face with both hands.

“I promise.” Then she slid until her head sunk in the pillows. “Thank you, daughter.” She said with a smile.

“Thank you, mom.” She kissed her hands once again and stood up to leave.

“Susanna.” She felt suddenly very tired as if the effort of consciousness had been straining. “ I don’t mind if you go to them. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me. As long as you don’t kill yourself or anything of the sort.” She spoke softly and was her own woman for a while.

Susanna stopped halfway to the door, trembling.

“Maybe there’s something they can do. Something there that can heal me…” She shut her eyes with a sigh.

“Yes, mom.” She slowly turned to leave, her head aching as her lids tried to hold back the tears.

“Su?” Her mother asked faintly once again, eyes still shut, sliding back into a peaceful sleep in a long time.

“Yes?” Susanna spoke with a thread of voice and grabbed the cold wood of the door to stop shaking.

“Tell them I love them.” And she was snoring the next moment.

“I will.” But Susanna spoke with the voice in her mind as tears finally won the battle against her lids to break free.


* * *


M’eudail,

If you’re reading this it means you already know I’m gone. You probably know by now I never made it to the millstone for the Samhain celebration this evening. I headed to our cave instead. There I have reasons to believe that I can find a portal from the world we know to a different one, where I hope to meet my past as well as my future. Our future.

Do you remember those fairytales I’ve told you, about that magical land of my childhood? Now I ask you to believe me when I say, that place is real and that’s where I’m going.

I’m aware that these words sound as delusions of a mad woman to your mind’s ears as you read them. Believe me they had the same effect on me as I wrote them.

But I believe someone from my past is calling out for me in my dreams and in visions. I know that it does not help, but my mother has been hearing that calling as well, in spite of how lost in her misery she might be; or maybe exactly because of it.

I’m not going because I want to, but because I have to. I believe our life in the manor is in danger and so is my mother’s sanity. And I believe that I’ll find the answers there. That’s why I’m gone.

I’m sorry beyond words that I could not trust you enough to tell you everything. It’s too much to take, isn’t it? And I know it’s something I have to do by myself.

You don’t have to worry about me; I’m not killing myself or anything… And if time works in between as it used to, you won’t even notice I was gone, I’ll be back at the exact time I left as if I had never been gone.

There’s a hole in my chest where my heart used to be because my heart is in your hands now. I’ll have time to miss you and it hurts already as if I were on fire.

Believe, m’eudail, as I do, that my love for you will bring me back safe.


Yours forever,

S.

* * *


Leo touched the front of his coat with a feeling of both hopelessness and reassurance when he felt the rattling of Susanna’s letter beneath his fingers as it lay in the inner pocket close to his heart.

He had found the envelope with his name on the oak desk in the library mere ten minutes after they had kissed goodbye. As he read the letter his eyes fell on a sheet of paper covered with Susanna’s scribbling and he recognized the spiralling circles they had found on the stone table in the cave when they had made love to each other for the first time.

He wasn’t thinking when he had run to Susanna’s room and had searched for her journal, leafing nervously through until he found the lyrics to the dream tune and tore the page out.

He had run to the stable and said a prayer when he found out that she had not taken Faol Mhòr though the idea that she did not intend to come back stung in his heart.

Now man and beast bolted against the freezing winds of October towards the cave. She was on foot so he would probably get there before her in time to prevent her from doing that deranged thing she had planned to do. If she were gone already, he would go after her. Or die trying.


* * *


She was floating in the dark growing further away from the golden halo that she knew belonged in the world she had chosen to leave. She remembered the numbness, the weightlessness, the fading humming. Slowly the memory of a similar sensation reached her; it had been in the hospital about seven months ago. Only now she could not feel her body at all as if all that had been left of her was the spot of light of her awareness.

“It worked.” She thought. She had gone round and round in circles until she was walking beneath the ground. She had taken a step into the light where the last afternoon sunbeam touched the water mirror in the hot spring inside the cave. First the left, then the right. Touching the swirling circle carved on the stone table as she moved had seemed the natural thing to do.

Now all she had to do was wait.


* * *


Leo arrived at the main hall in the cave in time to see the hand that had been touching the stone quickly submerge. He cried out just too late stepping on the shallow parts, diving in the pond of fading light; but there was no sign of her.

Then he snorted and cursed himself, searching for her letter in his soaked pocket, her words smearing away into blue watercolour. The page of her journal was still readable, though, and he said a prayer for her contradictory habit of writing her memories for posterity with the erasable impermanence of a pencil.

He drew in deeply and took a step with a sigh into the fading halo on the water surface. First the left, than the right. In a second his hand that had been touching the swirling circle on the stone by chance as he tried to keep his balance was the last part of him to vanish into nothing.


* * *


The notion of the passing of time had been lost thoroughly to Susanna. She had tired to remain conscious but soon the sensation of floating in the womb had switched off her tiny spot of light and she and she fell asleep like dying.

* * *


She had no idea how long she had been sleeping when the growing hum woke her up and washed her into awareness and all the cells in her body began to tingle. She had eyes again and opened them to the familiar glow of golden light growing nearer above her head. She was being carried upwards and for a moment she feared she had come back to the point of departure. Then the light grew to a blaze and she shut her eyes instinctively holding a breath she did not have, pressure tightening around her body as she was pulled through like being born.

Then something solid beneath her chest felt like stone; her fingers were touching warm rough stone and grass and her legs seemed to be hanging pulling her down, fighting the weight of her head pulling her forward. She finally released her breath and drew in heavily coughing a little as her eyes blinked to the green-gold light.

And then she realized where she was. With some effort she eased herself up the edge of the stone well and rolled over it lying on her back on the soft grassy ground.

The first thing she noticed was that her hair, her sweater, her denim pants, her boots, everything was dry.

The next thing she noticed was that she was sitting in a field that spread beyond her sight sprinkled with tall trees with tops entangled up above and stone wells like the one she had come out of; hundreds of them as far as she could see.

She stood up and grabbed the edge of her well scared that she might lose it. She went down to her knees and carved a symbol with a chip of rock on the stonewall. “Square for Earth.” She smiled at the memory of such useful piece of information she had gathered from… she could not recall.

The firs thing she did next was stand up and frown, wiping her hands on the side of her thighs, trying to remember something really important that she had to do. In vain.

The next thing she did was wonder that it was funny that someone had found it important to carve a symbol on the well; after all there were so many of them and they were just alike; why bother?

The last thing she did was fall asleep by the well, smiling as if she had always been there, completely unaware of whom she was.

* * *


Susanna woke up with a sting on her arm right above her left elbow where she had been hurt before when the skin was pinched by sharp nails. She blinked rubbing her arm and immediately tried to crawl away as far as she could like a hunted animal when she saw Augusta Llewellyn-Parker kneeling beside her; but her crawling made her bump her head on a pair of legs that ended in fine Italian leather shoes.

Laughing, Spencer grabbed her by the shoulders and roughly pulled her to her feet, blowing in her ear as she stood inches from his chest, arms instinctively up with clenched fists in front of her own chest.

“The little whorre is alive, then.” Augusta snorted disgustingly.

“Yes, she is.” Spencer smiled as disgustingly and licked her cheek up to her ear turning her suddenly nauseous. “It seems we have some unfinished business to attend, huh?” He scratched her arm and her waist with one hand grabbing her close with the other. Susanna’s brain sent the message to her knee to rise and hit him between his thighs but her leg did not obey. “On no, bitch, you be a good girl now.” He laughed, pulling her closer grabbing her ass and pulling her hair down to force her head back, tongue raping her mouth, teeth biting her lip. She tasted her own blood and bit his lip in turn spitting out his both his blood and his saliva with disgust right on top of the Italian leather.

“Bitch.” He shook her and formed a fist to punch, the huge yellow stone in his index finger catching a beam of greenish light.

“Stop it.” Augusta’s voice could not be disobeyed. “We have morre imporrtant things to do now, do we not, darrling?”

‘Yes, mutti.” He sounded like a four-year old sent to bed early.

He jerked Susanna to face Augusta leaning on the edge of the well. Then he just let go of her to join his mother. Susanna tried to move but her feet were glued to the ground.

“Now, wherre is it?” The familiar disgusting smile hid a glimpse of impatience.

“Where is what?” She could remember everything now about what she had come here to do. She remembered how she had forgotten and wondered why they were not both asleep right now. But soon she was struck with more frightening questions, the answers to which had begun to take shape in her mind: what were they doing there? And how?

“The bitch had no time to look for it, mutti.” Spencer looked disgustingly as well at Susanna.

“Rright.” Augusta walked towards Susanna grabbing her above the elbow with her nail clamp and shook her ahead. “Who is in a hurrry?” She said sardonically. “Therre arre only billions of vells to inspect.” She rolled her eyes with hopelessness in a way that was almost funny.

They wandered through the field randomly, pushing Susanna around each well. She went paler with horror as they walked and walked and threads of faint memories made her remember that place, the place in between worlds, and she realized that they were looking for the same thing that she was.

“What are you looking for?” She had to hear it from them because she could not believe herself.

“Please, do not push my patience, little bitch.” Augusta laughed. “The stupid cat believed he could hide his little new worrld frrom me but now you arre going to take me therre.”

Susanna inadvertently bit her swollen lip in terror feeling the metallic taste of blood as she gasped with it. “New world?” She thought holding her breath. Tears burned her eyes with anger and despair as a breathtaking fear took hold of her that maybe everything had already been lost. And then she felt dizzy as the meaning of Augusta’s words reached her.

“I’m not taking you anywhere!” She came to a halt and swung round to face Augusta.

“You alrready have, little bitch.” Augusta laughed and showed the stonewall of the well closest to them. A whirling circle began to appear right before their eyes as a line of fire unwinded on the stone surface carving the symbol that Susanna knew so well with heat and light.

Susanna closed her mouth with both hands and Augusta and Spencer laughed their laughter of madness. Then they held each other and kissed like mother and son should never kiss reminding Susanna that they had done much worse than that before.

“What are you going to do?!” Susanna’s throat had never tightened so hard before and she hardly whispered.

“What arre you going to do?!” Augusta mimicked her and they laughed together wiping tears off their eyes.

“See this rring, little bitch?” Augusta showed her a small open wooden box hanging from a thin golden chain round her neck where lay a huge green stone embedded in a ring.

“I have to admit, you and yourr family have been rreally helpful. It’s a shame yourr brotherr Peterr did not live long to enjoy our grratitude.”

“Mutti, I did say thank you!” Spencer made his four-year old face again.

Susanna felt as if the dirt had become liquid under the soles of her feet. She stumbled and grabbed the edge of the well, unable to draw air. Augusta went on telling her about how they had been watching everyone who had ever been to “Deadland” or so they called it; how they had observed as they had formed a group – The Friends; how they had found out that The Friends had managed to recover the ancient rings that worked as keys to the place in between and into every world that has ever existed. And about how Spencer has stolen the rings from Peter on the day of the crash at the train station.

“Peter…”

“Oh, poorr bitch, you rreally think he was killed in the crash?”

“You… killed him?” She felt an acute pain in her chest.

“He was as good as dead when I finished with him.” Spencer bragged as if he were fourteen and had won a game at school.

“Why?” The whisper scratched her throat and tears dripped into the well.

“Evil is eterrnal, my dearr.” Augusta spoke solemnly. “And it flows to and fro the vorlds. The evil in your vorld is special; it flows beautifully frrom time to time.”

“My world?” The words hung short of meaning in her mind and she turned to her side with great effort to face Augusta.

“You just had this marrvellous blob of evil in yourr little planet not so long ago. Unforrtunately it is overr… Forr now.” She seemed genuinely sad. “Now it is time to find a new vorld, a young, frresh, virgin vorld…” Augusta’s eyes gazed through Susanna at her demented vision. Then she focused on her face.

“I guess I have to thank you, little bitch.“ She gave Susanna a cruel smile.

“Can I have her now, mutti?” Spencer pleaded like a boy for cookies.

“Ja, ja. But do not kill herr. Afterr all she has our grratitude, rright darrling?”

But Spencer had no time to “have” her. Susanna turned round and leaned forward and let her body drop over the edge of the well, vanishing into darkness.

* * *


Someone had just arrived behind a tree in time to see horrified as Susanna fell into the well. In shock he watched as Augusta and Spencer exchanged the yellow rings for the green ones and jumped in the well after her.

He punched the hard trunk of the tree with his left hand wiping tears of frustration with the right one. He soon realized with a shock that Augusta and Spencer were not there for a good thing and it seemed they had hurt Susanna. If only he had not forgotten… He could have saved her. It had been the rattling of Susanna’s letter in his pocket that had surprised him in his lethargy. It had been her smeared words that had made him come to his senses and remember.

Pale as a corpse he walked towards the well, not so sure about what he had to do. He saw the spiral carved on stone and it glistered as he approached. Maybe the bond of their love had extended Susanna’s calling to him. So it became clear. He had just gone through the weightless darkness and born into this place; he could damn well do it again.

He just leaned forward and allowed the weight of his torso to pull the rest of his body in to the dark below whispering Susanna’s name as a prayer.

* * *


*end of chapter five*