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 Post subject: Make This Quick (poetry)
PostPosted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 5:09 pm 
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Yeah Yeah Yeah
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Edit: I think this is the finished piece after a couple of alterations.

And,
For every word I couldn’t say,
I am never more
Sorry.
And the air’s icey sighs
Remind me
As I walk,
That -
This world is tired,
Exhausted -
We're all fucking beat...
And
I am never more
Alone.
The lions are resting,
The sun is sinking, and
The clouds' dry palms
Cover our eyes, and
they will try and
make this quick.
And,
I remember when
This town held
Our hearts:
A pair of petals
In a palm...
And now
It only looks good
At night,
From afar -
When it’s a
Series of lights
Kissing the stars.
And
I am never more sorry,
For this crooked morning
Will steal you
Both.


Last edited by iceagecoming on Mon Mar 31, 2008 7:16 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: '3:37am' (poetry)
PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 5:26 am 
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from 'the air's icy sighs' onward, this was great. it reminds me of something that just happened the other night. i was walking alone in boston (where i dont live, so i was a stranger to the streets) and going through my own little existential crisis. these words could have easily narrarated my journey, and i can almost hear the music that should accompany them.

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 Post subject: Re: '3:37am' (poetry)
PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 5:44 pm 
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Yeah Yeah Yeah
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Thanks for the comment. This was thrown straight up from first draft, and i thnk i'm going to revert back to my old methods of at least giving it a week or re-reading until i can be sure i'm happy with it. I'm really unconfident with this at the moment and you've helped me realise why - the first half is wordy and distracting, i'm going to edit it down for now, maybe re-write other parts later. I still need to think of a decent title.

Edit: See the first post of the thread for the updated version


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 Post subject: Re: Goodbye (poetry)
PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 12:32 am 
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wow, i really enjoyed this, especially its structure. nice work

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 Post subject: Re: Goodbye (poetry)
PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 12:54 pm 
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Iceage, yet again you blow me away with your work. I briefly read through the first draft of this, but I think I prefer the layout and the pacing of this second draft - I think it allows the reader more time to digest some really powerful imagery, more time for it to really hit home. If you don't mind me making a suggestion, that middle piece from 'I remember when...', would you consider slowing it up a little maybe?

"I remember when
This town
held our hearts:
A pair of petals
in a palm...
And now, It only looks good
At night,
From afar -"

Sorry, you know from my own writing style I'm a format freak, I can't resist it! I really like this piece, I like it's jaded feeling, and again, your imagery is stunning. I don't know how you do it man, time after time, you're a supremely talented writer, please keep posting!

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 Post subject: Re: Goodbye (poetry)
PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 7:12 pm 
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skunkthecat wrote:
Iceage, yet again you blow me away with your work. I briefly read through the first draft of this, but I think I prefer the layout and the pacing of this second draft - I think it allows the reader more time to digest some really powerful imagery, more time for it to really hit home. If you don't mind me making a suggestion, that middle piece from 'I remember when...', would you consider slowing it up a little maybe?

"I remember when
This town
held our hearts:
A pair of petals
in a palm...
And now, It only looks good
At night,
From afar -"

Sorry, you know from my own writing style I'm a format freak, I can't resist it! I really like this piece, I like it's jaded feeling, and again, your imagery is stunning. I don't know how you do it man, time after time, you're a supremely talented writer, please keep posting!


That's so kind, thanks =)

And the suggestion...i was thinking of slowing the pace a little there too. The idea felt a little lost the way it was, when it's probably the part that triggered the piece off initially. Thanks for confirming it, i'll adjust.


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 Post subject: Re: Goodbye (poetry)
PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 7:18 pm 
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Yeah Yeah Yeah
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jcurley wrote:
wow, i really enjoyed this, especially its structure. nice work


Cheers. You haven't posted in these parts for a while...when can we expect to next hear from you?


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 Post subject: Re: Make This Quick (poetry)
PostPosted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 5:24 am 
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This is great work. Good job.

Here are the lines I really enjoy:

iceagecoming wrote:
I remember when
This town held
Our hearts:
A pair of petals
In a palm...
And now
It only looks good
At night,
From afar -
When it’s a
Series of lights
Kissing the stars.

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Nothin' ain't worth nothin', but it's free


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 Post subject: Re: Make This Quick (poetry)
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 4:46 pm 
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SmilinSkullRing wrote:
This is great work. Good job.

Here are the lines I really enjoy:

iceagecoming wrote:
I remember when
This town held
Our hearts:
A pair of petals
In a palm...
And now
It only looks good
At night,
From afar -
When it’s a
Series of lights
Kissing the stars.


Thanks SSR =) The part you highlighted was actually the starting point, everything else was written around it.


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 Post subject: Re: Make This Quick (poetry)
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 5:04 pm 
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Just goes to show that sometimes our initial flurry of writing really is the best. 8)

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 Post subject: Re: Make This Quick (poetry)
PostPosted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 2:13 pm 
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just thought id browse the release section today, haven't looked in here for awhile. I'm impressed, i really like this poem. "the air’s icey sighs" - i like it, the feeling of cold and tiredness, as "the sun is sinking" :nice:


i really need to check out this section more often it is very rewarding, it feels so peaceful and tranquil if you can say such a thing about a message board.

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 Post subject: Re: Make This Quick (poetry)
PostPosted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 3:53 pm 
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mookieblaylock wrote:
just thought id browse the release section today, haven't looked in here for awhile. I'm impressed, i really like this poem. "the air’s icey sighs" - i like it, the feeling of cold and tiredness, as "the sun is sinking" :nice:


i really need to check out this section more often it is very rewarding, it feels so peaceful and tranquil if you can say such a thing about a message board.


Thanks mookie.

This part of the forum is often overlooked, but there are some great writers and (really) great musicians sharing their stuff here. I think the few replies i've gotten here must be a record for me =) It's a shame feedback doesn't come from more places on the board.


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