Post subject: pretty words that pretty much need some work
Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 9:52 am
Stone's Bitch
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2004 2:29 pm Posts: 6984 Location: if anyone wants me, i'll be in my room Gender: Male
i threw this together in like 10 minutes. its a stream of consicousness, i guess. ill eventually reword this and try to make it poetic or whatever. but this is the framework.
in all the confusion, i know my challenge.
it is to make someone, who has (by no fault of their own) been forced to accept abandonment and rejection as the norm.
to realize that i love her... i love her unconditionally, perhaps in a way that no one has before.
to understand that i will never leave her, that i will always support her, be it in her hour of glorious exaltation or her most sorrowful moments of despair.
i will always feel my heart beat faster when her hand is in mine... and that solace will forever solidify my unquenchable desire to see her smile, to hear her laugh, to inspire her, and most importantly, to assure her that no matter how dark the world around us becomes, the light of my love for her cannot be extinguished.
Post subject: Re: pretty words that pretty much need some work
Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 4:18 am
trying to make a career out of postwhoring
Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2004 5:24 am Posts: 37009 Location: In Missouri, they would (will) not let me be Gender: Female
I think it does need work, but it's obviously something you mean. It's sweet. What matters most is if the person you wrote it for will like it. That is if she will ever see it.
_________________ Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose Nothin' ain't worth nothin', but it's free
Post subject: Re: pretty words that pretty much need some work
Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 7:15 pm
Yeah Yeah Yeah
Joined: Tue May 30, 2006 2:48 pm Posts: 3115 Location: Edinburgh/Lincoln, UK
Considering it's a first 'draft' i guess, I really like it - it feels real which is a skill in itself.
My only criticism would be the last line/metaphor. The whole idea of love being a light that goes out seems a little easy and (to me) it devalues the heart that carries the piece throughout the whole thing up to that point.
ill eventually reword this and try to make it poetic or whatever.
If you change this I will have to kick your ass so hard you'll be chewing on my toenails for a week. It's absolutely gorgeous the way it is; it's simple, it's direct, it's from the heart, and it's honest. That's the way a love poem should be. Don't change it, PLEASE don't change it!
Post subject: Re: pretty words that pretty much need some work
Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 8:57 pm
trying to make a career out of postwhoring
Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2004 5:24 am Posts: 37009 Location: In Missouri, they would (will) not let me be Gender: Female
skunkthecat wrote:
Play C3 wrote:
ill eventually reword this and try to make it poetic or whatever.
If you change this I will have to kick your ass so hard you'll be chewing on my toenails for a week. It's absolutely gorgeous the way it is; it's simple, it's direct, it's from the heart, and it's honest. That's the way a love poem should be. Don't change it, PLEASE don't change it!
_________________ Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose Nothin' ain't worth nothin', but it's free
Post subject: Re: pretty words that pretty much need some work
Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 1:07 am
Stone's Bitch
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2004 2:29 pm Posts: 6984 Location: if anyone wants me, i'll be in my room Gender: Male
skunkthecat wrote:
Play C3 wrote:
ill eventually reword this and try to make it poetic or whatever.
If you change this I will have to kick your ass so hard you'll be chewing on my toenails for a week. It's absolutely gorgeous the way it is; it's simple, it's direct, it's from the heart, and it's honest. That's the way a love poem should be. Don't change it, PLEASE don't change it!
wow. this made me smile, and fear your toenails. im glad you like it so much.
Post subject: Re: pretty words that pretty much need some work
Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 1:09 am
Stone's Bitch
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2004 2:29 pm Posts: 6984 Location: if anyone wants me, i'll be in my room Gender: Male
iceagecoming wrote:
Considering it's a first 'draft' i guess, I really like it - it feels real which is a skill in itself.
My only criticism would be the last line/metaphor. The whole idea of love being a light that goes out seems a little easy and (to me) it devalues the heart that carries the piece throughout the whole thing up to that point.
i know what you mean about the light/darkness thing. but that is an ongoing metaphor that pops up in a lot of the stuff i write about this girl (for example, in this forum..around page 5 or 6 or so, theres another thing i did called daybreak. also very simple, also uses the light/dark idea). maybe its time for some new ones.
Post subject: Re: pretty words that pretty much need some work
Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:54 pm
Yeah Yeah Yeah
Joined: Tue May 30, 2006 2:48 pm Posts: 3115 Location: Edinburgh/Lincoln, UK
Play C3 wrote:
iceagecoming wrote:
Considering it's a first 'draft' i guess, I really like it - it feels real which is a skill in itself.
My only criticism would be the last line/metaphor. The whole idea of love being a light that goes out seems a little easy and (to me) it devalues the heart that carries the piece throughout the whole thing up to that point.
i know what you mean about the light/darkness thing. but that is an ongoing metaphor that pops up in a lot of the stuff i write about this girl (for example, in this forum..around page 5 or 6 or so, theres another thing i did called daybreak. also very simple, also uses the light/dark idea). maybe its time for some new ones.
I read it again, and the sentiment's actually very sweet. It's an overused idea (at least it feels it to me) but you use it well.
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frank
