The window was open about an inch and
A dry air leaked through -
Dusty and dense,
Musky and heady -
Dancing between the necks of the bottles,
Shaking them a little.
They swayed:
Not quite fallen, not quite broken.
The dregs in the bottom shivered,
Looked on, and -
Though my watch was just out of reach -
I guessed from the sun’s patterns
That it was somewhere between 2 and 4am
When I realised that I’d probably
Never hold her again.
The dry air settled on my stomach,
Like a lead ship, sinking with slow passion
To the sound of string and brass symphonies.
(You know what it’s like, right?)
I coughed and shook the feeling off
And I looked across at her...
And though inside I was shaking,
I think I tried to smile,
Swaying:
Not quite fallen, not quite broken.

I turned my eyes back to the window,
Looked for the sun and waited it out.

Bump? Aaaany feedback, criticism? Throw it at me guys.

This is a great poem with some startling imagery. The line "(You know what it’s like, right?)" is not really needed. let the poetry speak for itself, you dont need to be so overt in your phrasing. What are the chances of getting a rhyming scheme here? (It dosent have to be restricting and formulated, but throw a few rhymes in) Or is blank verse you style, what your comfortable with?

I'm not really keen with poems that rhyme,
But they can be good from time to time

Thanks for reading and commenting. I'm not sure if i like the parenthesis or not, but i'll definnitely bare what you said in mind. Cheers.

i dont know how i let this one get by me the first time around...

this is brilliant, man. my favorite part is the end, when it all comes together and the protangonist is resigned to his fate. rather than holding on and fighting, he feels the strain and weight that will undo everything that he loves, and doesnt know what to do about it. to him it is futile, and the ending verse about waiting it out makes it seem all the more inevitable to the reader. thats how i see it, anyway. i have hope for the protagonist... i know how he feels... but he and i are short on optimism. this really hit close to home.

as for the (you know what its like, right?) line... im torn. it successfully pulls the reader closer to the protagonist (as though the story is being related in person) while simultaneously pulling away from the eloquence that runs through the rest of the poem. perhaps if there was another line like it somewhere early on (like starting with a more conversational tone, then leading into what you have) it would work even better.

i dont know what i would do. if you leave it as it is, you have a great piece of prose. i like that it made me think about it as much as i have.

This is great. I seem to always like your poetry, and with where I'm at right now this hits hard all the more.