Joined: Sat Aug 13, 2005 11:31 pm Posts: 7162 Location: The Only "Non-NESN" County CT Gender: Male
Lost in this electric Jazz you sparkle about Magically flowing darkness encompassing beauty round and bright the taste of thought on the tip of my tongue
magical in many ways but illusion and the softness you exude and the light managed beautifully for it not this electric barrier
toss away the times of old and rethink the reigns when the pain was too real because the joy waiting around the bend is for you
watch it rise and reach for its light for the magic has come again and that magic is right and that magic is for you so don't be a fool...
_________________
dirtyfrank0705 wrote:
At the age of 40, PunkDavid will check his own prostate and then bill his doctor.
Frank RIP
Last edited by noaheb on Sun Dec 28, 2008 7:47 am, edited 9 times in total.
Lost in the electric Jazz you sparkle about Magically flowing darkness encompassing beautiful round bright and the taste of thought on the tip of my tongue
magical in many ways but illusion and the softness you exude and the light managed beautifully for it not this barrier
toss away the times of old and rethink the cataclysmic reigns when the pain was too real the joy waiting around the bend is for you
watch it rise and reach for its light for the magic has come again and that magic is you...
i bolded parts i really enjoyed. i'm mildly hung over, so that may speak to why i'm getting lost, but i can not digest "for it not this barrier"
maybe cut the last line of the fourth stanza and the "and" at the end of the second to last line. let the reader make the jump of who/what the magic is. the other 3/4 of the poem works to link the two anyway, no need to reinforce it again at the end when we've already arrived at that conclusion.
Joined: Sat Aug 13, 2005 11:31 pm Posts: 7162 Location: The Only "Non-NESN" County CT Gender: Male
thanks...i havent written regularly in awhile and this just kinda came out without much editing done so its rough but i kinda like it as is though i may cut that last line you're right it is obvious through the reading before
_________________
dirtyfrank0705 wrote:
At the age of 40, PunkDavid will check his own prostate and then bill his doctor.
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot post attachments in this forum
