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 Post subject: bottle and the bag
PostPosted: Fri Jan 02, 2009 5:33 am 
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Stone's Bitch
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Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2004 2:29 pm
Posts: 6984
Location: if anyone wants me, i'll be in my room
Gender: Male
yet another incomplete piece thrown together and posted without any kind of revision or conclusion. in fact, the beginning is missing as well. oh well

and the bottle and the bag
theyre unaffected, but theyre selfish
they prey on me
and they want me back
at first theyre easy to ignore
but i just end up on the floor
cause the addict in my head
cant seem to cut me any slack

i try to reason with him
but he can always rationalize
he sees my body and my life
with his invincible eyes
and its that very narrow mindset
that i want to outlast
the one that drinks to forget
but only clings to the past

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i am NOT montel williams

:peace: frank


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 Post subject: Re: bottle and the bag
PostPosted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 1:31 am 
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Got Some
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Joined: Mon Mar 20, 2006 2:01 pm
Posts: 2333
Location: Branford, CT
the one that drinks to forget
but only clings to the past


I really can't say I've heard this before, but it feels like I have a million times. However the fact that I can't place it gives it much more power.

I'm a stickler, so obviously I want the apostrophes put in.

and the bottle and the bag
theyre unaffected, but theyre selfish

True indeed, certainly something to stick to.

they prey on me
and they want me back
at first theyre easy to ignore
but i just end up on the floor

They is pretty vague and it's in 3/4s of the lines, give 'em some body

cause the addict in my head
cant seem to cut me any slack

I like this, again true.. hinting at the struggle.

i try to reason with him
but he can always rationalize
he sees my body and my life
with his invincible eyes

Interesting that you chose a man, I'd like to see either his power or a deeper depiction of his conniving ways.

and its that very narrow mindset
that i want to outlast

I don't like narrow here, I also don't like dropping it all down to the last four line this early.

There's definitely more here, and I'm looking forward to any rework. Addiction is a bastard child though, it comes with a lot of baggage. If you're going to pick a vice, it has to be a vice, pick it apart and show the reader something new. Don't take 'em on the same trip they've been on before, they know better than we will inside the game or out.

_________________
absinthe makes the heart grow fonder
And so it goes...


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