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 Post subject: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 12:49 pm 
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Ok, lets dedicate a thread for the best news from those guys.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/mi ... n_crashing

Microsoft Ad Campaign Crashing Nation's Televisions


WASHINGTON—According to an FCC report released Monday, a new $300 million Microsoft ad campaign is responsible for causing televisions all across the country to unexpectedly crash.

The Microsoft ads, which began airing earlier this week, are being blamed for generating critical system errors in more than 70 million televisions. In addition, thousands of frustrated Americans said that the ads have caused their TVs to become unresponsive, their screens to turn blue, and a small box with the message "terminal application error" to suddenly appear.

"I was in the middle of watching Monday Night Football when, all of a sudden, that stupid ad comes on and my TV freezes up," said Scottsdale, AZ resident Michael Chaplin, adding that he never wanted to see the commercial in the first place. "The next thing I know, all these numbers and symbols show up and I get an error message saying 'invalid file format' or something. Now my TV is ruined."

The new ad campaign, which features footage of everyday Americans using PCs, was launched as an upgrade to the poorly performing Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates commercials, which suffered unspecified failures in two-thirds of U.S. households. Microsoft pulled the defective ads in mid-September, but the move came too late, as countless televisions had already been infected with viruses and spyware.

So far over a half million television users have complained about the new ads. Some, such as Louisville, KY native Andrew Ryland, said they were instructed by tech support to press and hold the power, mute, and number seven buttons on their remotes in an attempt to shut down their television sets.

When that failed, many television owners said they were left with no other option but to manually restart their devices.

"I tried to push the power button, but nothing happened," said Andover, CT resident David Lax, who claimed that his television has never had any compatibility issues with commercials in the past. "Luckily I called my buddy Todd, who's pretty good with televisions, and he told me that you just have to unplug it and plug it back in."

Although the commercials crashed nearly every available brand of plasma and LCD television, as well as afflicting older cathode-ray models, Microsoft spokesperson Sarah Machen insisted that the problem was not her company's fault, and that it likely resulted from low memory, a fragmented disk, or perhaps an outdated video card. A press release issued by the software giant also advised televisions users to avoid quickly switching back and forth between programs to prevent any future crashes.

"Our engineers have repeatedly tested this commercial to work out all the bugs, and we proudly stand behind this advertisement," Machen said. "We've heard numerous complaints about a virus, so we urge all users to remember that there are untrustworthy cable channels out there that they should never visit."

Chicago resident Rick Yoder, 33, said he brought the 36-inch Sony Trinitron he purchased in 1999 into a licensed Microsoft dealer and paid well over $1,000 to add a graphic accelerator card and new motherboard that his television lacked.

"I took my TV into the store and they added a bunch of cards and stuff so I can watch it again," Yoder said. "But the shows run really slow. Now it takes me an hour and a half to get through an episode of Scrubs. And sometimes this hourglass thing comes on the screen right at a good part and, by the time it finally goes away, the show is over."

In some cases, the frequent crashes have caused more than just temporary hassles, with some Americans losing months of important shows they had saved on their TiVos.

"I was watching Cold Case and it said 'show not found,'" Tim Honnermann of Oakland said. "But I was watching the show. How is that even possible?"

Recent frustrations with Microsoft have not been limited to its television ads, however. Earlier this week, a billboard promoting the company's latest Windows platform angered hundreds in Detroit when it fell onto three cars, instantly killing all passengers

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 1:28 pm 
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viewtopic.php?f=7&t=74383&hilit=onion

8)

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 2:22 pm 
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i hesitated about doing one of these, i'm glad someone stood up

i'll be posting later when i have a bit more idle time

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2012 6:53 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2012 6:58 pm 
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i was taking great joy in perusing their man-on-the-street section this morning.

i ALed at the third quote from one of monday's entries: http://www.theonion.com/articles/atheists-unbless-florida-road,27706/

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:37 am 
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The all time best onion article? http://www.theonion.com/articles/fuck-e ... des,11056/


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:40 am 
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I trust you've all seen the Literally Unbelievable blog?

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:56 am 
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Haha ya, but that one pre-dates facebook.


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 4:22 am 
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I dont remember making this thread.

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 11:13 am 
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Reflection wrote:


I didn't really find that funny. It's like 'OK, here is my premise. Joke X is really funny. It's really, really funny. Did I tell you it was funny? Because it's funny. Here's why it's funny, because it's funny. Do I need to remind you again that it's funny? It's funny.'


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 4:33 pm 
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definitely not the best of all time. not even top 100

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 4:55 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 6:02 pm 
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thodoks wrote:
Image


Dafuq? Now THAT is funny.


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 7:51 pm 
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yes, that's the best onion bit ever. close 2nd is this:

http://www.theonion.com/video/in-the-kn ... iod,14208/

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 3:33 am 
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I prefer yellow onions myself.

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 2:08 am 
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Nation's Quadriplegics Immobilize On Washington In Support Of Stem-Cell Research
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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 4:22 pm 
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Nation's Poor Bastards Never Even Saw It Coming
November 30, 2009 | ISSUE 48•15 ISSUE 45•49

NEW YORK—According to a report published Tuesday by the Center for the Study of Goddamn Fucking Shames, 96 percent of the nation's sorry sons of bitches never even saw it coming. The study found that two-thirds of those surveyed didn't stand a chance, 21 percent never would've thought for a second, and 2 percent were just sitting there minding their own business when all of a sudden, whack, right in the back of the head. "Poor bastards," head researcher David Childress said. The report also showed that the remaining 4 percent did manage to see it coming, but before they had a chance to do a damn thing about it, it was too late.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/nations-poor-bastards-never-even-saw-it-coming,6999/#

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 4:30 pm 
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Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla
October 26, 2009 | ISSUE 45•44

ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland gorilla.

Bereaved family members say Seaborne was much too young to be taken by a gorilla (inset).According to his wife, Christine—one of the few people who was aware of his courageous struggle—Seaborne chose to fight the muscular, quarter-ton primate in private night after night in hopes of maintaining as normal a life as was possible for his family.

"In some ways, I'm relieved that it's finally over and David can be at peace," said a tearful Mrs. Seaborne, clutching at a recent photograph of her husband, most of his hair missing after being ripped from his scalp by the rampaging jungle beast. "To watch him seclude himself in that basement every night and know that he was about to be in an unimaginable amount of pain—it just became too much to bear."

"He fought that terrible gorilla with every last ounce of strength he had, but in the end, David's body just couldn't handle it anymore," Mrs. Seaborne added. "Every morning, he'd look at me with tired eyes and deep scratches across his face, and he'd say, 'Honey, I'm going to beat this thing.' God, he was brave."

Mrs. Seaborne said she's used most of her husband's life insurance payout to start the David Seaborne Foundation, an organization dedicated to raising awareness of those battling gorillas or other great apes. According to the foundation's website, the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese.

Although Seaborne never let on to friends or coworkers that he was desperately fighting for his life with a violent primate, many suspected that something was wrong.

"I noticed that David had lost a lot of weight over the past couple of months, especially when he came in with his arm torn off," fellow claims adjuster Kevin Delano said. "He also left work early a lot for doctor's appointments, or when he was just too weak to make it through the day. Still, with all he was going through, David never complained."

The few people who knew of his hardship said that, even toward the end of his ordeal, when Seaborne was often completely covered in feces, the gorilla never managed to rob him of his dignity.

Dr. Earl Patterson, the physician who treated Seaborne throughout his life-or-death battle, initially gave Seaborne just six months to live. Though the prognosis was grim, Patterson said that, with the help of powerful tranquilizers, Seaborne was able to beat back the gorilla several times, and his situation started to look more promising.

The gorilla, however, eventually stopped responding to the drugs and returned with a vengeance.

"If we had caught this thing earlier, before its growth got completely out of control, David would have had a much better chance of survival," Patterson said. "But after it reached the silverback stage, it was only a matter of time."

"I tried to make David as comfortable as possible, and even gave him a helmet, but at that point the most we could do was pray," Patterson added.

Patterson said that he has strongly urged Seaborne's wife to take preventative measures to protect the couple's three sons, aged 9, 12, and 15, from suffering the same fate as their father.

"Because these things tend to run in the family, Jonathan, Patrick, and David Jr. are in a very high risk group," Patterson said. "Realistically, though, there just isn't a whole lot that can be done. After all, that gorilla is still in their basement."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-dies-after-secret-4year-battle-with-gorilla,2836/

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 5:33 pm 
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Alex wrote:
Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla
October 26, 2009 | ISSUE 45•44

ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland gorilla.

Bereaved family members say Seaborne was much too young to be taken by a gorilla (inset).According to his wife, Christine—one of the few people who was aware of his courageous struggle—Seaborne chose to fight the muscular, quarter-ton primate in private night after night in hopes of maintaining as normal a life as was possible for his family.

"In some ways, I'm relieved that it's finally over and David can be at peace," said a tearful Mrs. Seaborne, clutching at a recent photograph of her husband, most of his hair missing after being ripped from his scalp by the rampaging jungle beast. "To watch him seclude himself in that basement every night and know that he was about to be in an unimaginable amount of pain—it just became too much to bear."

"He fought that terrible gorilla with every last ounce of strength he had, but in the end, David's body just couldn't handle it anymore," Mrs. Seaborne added. "Every morning, he'd look at me with tired eyes and deep scratches across his face, and he'd say, 'Honey, I'm going to beat this thing.' God, he was brave."

Mrs. Seaborne said she's used most of her husband's life insurance payout to start the David Seaborne Foundation, an organization dedicated to raising awareness of those battling gorillas or other great apes. According to the foundation's website, the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese.

Although Seaborne never let on to friends or coworkers that he was desperately fighting for his life with a violent primate, many suspected that something was wrong.

"I noticed that David had lost a lot of weight over the past couple of months, especially when he came in with his arm torn off," fellow claims adjuster Kevin Delano said. "He also left work early a lot for doctor's appointments, or when he was just too weak to make it through the day. Still, with all he was going through, David never complained."

The few people who knew of his hardship said that, even toward the end of his ordeal, when Seaborne was often completely covered in feces, the gorilla never managed to rob him of his dignity.

Dr. Earl Patterson, the physician who treated Seaborne throughout his life-or-death battle, initially gave Seaborne just six months to live. Though the prognosis was grim, Patterson said that, with the help of powerful tranquilizers, Seaborne was able to beat back the gorilla several times, and his situation started to look more promising.

The gorilla, however, eventually stopped responding to the drugs and returned with a vengeance.

"If we had caught this thing earlier, before its growth got completely out of control, David would have had a much better chance of survival," Patterson said. "But after it reached the silverback stage, it was only a matter of time."

"I tried to make David as comfortable as possible, and even gave him a helmet, but at that point the most we could do was pray," Patterson added.

Patterson said that he has strongly urged Seaborne's wife to take preventative measures to protect the couple's three sons, aged 9, 12, and 15, from suffering the same fate as their father.

"Because these things tend to run in the family, Jonathan, Patrick, and David Jr. are in a very high risk group," Patterson said. "Realistically, though, there just isn't a whole lot that can be done. After all, that gorilla is still in their basement."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-dies-after-secret-4year-battle-with-gorilla,2836/

This is one of my favorites.

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Sun May 13, 2012 2:44 pm 
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