In this thread, I will conjecture what Mickey might say to a lovely lady in the course of carnal heat. Any other suggestions are of course welcomed.


Female: "...it's tough to say, really. I don't like to rank lovers, Michael."

Mickey: "Ugh. Really, anytime you say something like 'you can't judge sex,' you make yourself sound like a sheltered, vacuous nit. It's that kind of sexual egalitarianism that really defines who has anything worthwhile to say about boning and who doesn't, because if you can't separate an awkward, pre-pubescent screw from a marathon, G-spot pounding romp you really shouldn't be talking about sex at all. Same goes for oral, same goes for phone sex, same goes for cybering. The objective elements are what allow the pleasure to take body in the course of plowing c*nt. You can't appreciate a good scene in a snuff movie if it isn't shot in a seductive manner, and you can't really feel how swollen you make my c*ck if you're incessantly complaining about time going "at a snail's pace." And I take this personally as well. I'm trying to be a lover. I'm working very hard at trying to be a lover, and for you to come in here and imply that there's no objective level on which I can improve my f*cking and that nothing separates me from virgins and people who aren't studying lovemaking and who aren't practicing in the mirror and who aren't making a concerted effort to find their own voices and to f*ck in an authentic and fresh manner? That basically discredits the entirety of what I'm trying to do to your clitoris. F*ck you."

Female: "Yeah.........I didn't really cum five times."

thodoks, everybody

not bad

Thread of the year.

"Yeah, you don't really know what you're talking about. That was an indie move, and your p*ssy is just too mainstream to get it. This one real cool chic got off five times from that move, so yeah."

*, bro

I picture Mickey in a sweater vest always, including during intercourse.

"Nah, bowl cuts are totes coming back. Just hang with me and in ten years all the faux-intellectuals at the farmer's market will be wearing them...unironically."

"Pffft...condoms are for people with associate's degrees."

Oh my god this is awesome. And pretty accurate.

I mean the second and third one, eh, but that last one was pretty much word for word last Tuesday.

i'm officially aroused

"Where did you even get that lingerie? It looks like something some $8.00/hr plebe might buy at a Gainesville mall. I don't mind f*cking poor people, but I draw the line at f*cking poor people who don't have taste."

Mickey: "Oh baby, shake it like the plastic bag from American Beauty fluttering in the wind."
Girl: "I didn't like that movie."
Mickey: "Get the fuck out."

C'mon dude

"Wait, you want me to fkk to....Weezer? God you are so painfully self-unaware.

But yeah, you can go ahead and blow me."