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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Sun May 13, 2012 3:04 pm 
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given2trade wrote:
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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Thu May 17, 2012 12:19 pm 
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Area Man Pretty Shaken Up After Running Into Casual Acquaintance At CVS
May 16, 2012 | ISSUE 48•20

NEW YORK—A full 20 minutes after running into casual acquaintance Dan Ehrlemeyer at a CVS drugstore Wednesday and exchanging pleasant small talk with him, area man Jason Ditmas, 32, told reporters he was still really shaken up by the experience. "There I am in the toothpaste aisle, and before I can walk away pretending I haven't seen him, he makes eye contact, and bam—I'm talking about what I've been up to lately with this guy I've never seen before in a context like that," said a still-reeling Ditmas, who upon exiting the store deliberately walked in a different direction from Ehrlemeyer, stopping around the next corner to take some deep breaths and gather his composure. "My God. In a CVS of all places." Ditmas later returned to the drugstore to pick up additional items, including antiperspirant and a hair-care product, that he was reportedly uncomfortable purchasing in Ehrlemeyer’s presence.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-pretty-shaken-up-after-running-into-casua,28206/

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2012 12:07 pm 
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that's the only moment of positive reinforcement i've gotten on RM this year

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Sun Jun 03, 2012 3:10 pm 
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/shadow ... -ch,28355/


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Sun Jun 03, 2012 4:21 pm 
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Haha. Hahahahaha.

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2012 9:46 pm 
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"Liberian Swimmer Spends Entirety Of Qualifying Race Furiously Scooping Water Into Mouth"


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2012 9:38 pm 
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Lost Cat, Dog On Journey Die Immediately
April 28, 2009 | ISSUE 48•26 ISSUE 45•18

JACKSON, WY—After their owners inadvertently left them behind in Yellowstone National Park, Louie, a 4-year-old golden retriever, and Nipsy, a 3-year-old longhair cat, were killed within minutes of beginning their heartwarming journey home, sources reported Monday. "It looks like right after leaving the campsite they fell off a cliff and died upon impact with the highway below," park ranger Ken Hinkley said after discovering their barely recognizable bodies, which had been partially eaten by a cougar the pair likely would have outsmarted with adorably clever teamwork had they survived. "After that, it appears their carcasses were run over by a tractor-trailer, probably operated by a gruff but kindhearted truck driver who no doubt would have given them a lift. Poor little guys. Had to toss 'em in a ditch." Louie and Nipsy's family reportedly gave up hope immediately, and have already purchased a new kitten and puppy whom they love very much.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/lost-c ... tely,6690/

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Sat Aug 04, 2012 3:12 am 
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AndySlash wrote:
Lost Cat, Dog On Journey Die Immediately
April 28, 2009 | ISSUE 48•26 ISSUE 45•18

JACKSON, WY—After their owners inadvertently left them behind in Yellowstone National Park, Louie, a 4-year-old golden retriever, and Nipsy, a 3-year-old longhair cat, were killed within minutes of beginning their heartwarming journey home, sources reported Monday. "It looks like right after leaving the campsite they fell off a cliff and died upon impact with the highway below," park ranger Ken Hinkley said after discovering their barely recognizable bodies, which had been partially eaten by a cougar the pair likely would have outsmarted with adorably clever teamwork had they survived. "After that, it appears their carcasses were run over by a tractor-trailer, probably operated by a gruff but kindhearted truck driver who no doubt would have given them a lift. Poor little guys. Had to toss 'em in a ditch." Louie and Nipsy's family reportedly gave up hope immediately, and have already purchased a new kitten and puppy whom they love very much.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/lost-c ... tely,6690/


Two weeks ago, I saw a baby bunny in the backyard. Its rare enough, this late in the summer, that I called my six year old to the window...just in time to watch the hawk that lives in the tree two doors down swoop in and snatch it up. It didn't even keep it....it dropped the carcass from about 30 feet. All I could think to say was "I'm so sorry, buddy..."

Yesterday I saw a fucking fox of all things, eating something in the neighbors garden. This morning I saw a dead fucking fox of comperable size on the road in front of their house.

So if I laughed at this, it's only because I have no heart.


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Wed Sep 05, 2012 1:44 pm 
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Retired Kurt Warner Dropping By Cardinals Training Camp Periodically To Make Sure Team Still Using Clean Language

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Reports out of Arizona Cardinals training camp confirmed that for the third time this preseason—and the 33rd time since he retired in 2010—former starting quarterback Kurt Warner dropped by practice to see his former teammates and make sure they were still using appropriate, clean language. “Right after Kurt retired we weren’t that surprised to see him, because he used to mention all the time how worried he was that our language would go to heck once he left,” Cardinals running back Beanie Wells said Tuesday, adding that everyone on the team has noticed how badly Warner grimaces every time he hears an “F-word.” “Now we’re starting to get a little tired of hearing that just because a word may not offend our teammates doesn’t mean it doesn’t offend Jesus.” Several Arizona players did, however, make a point of saying that the former MVP’s periodic visits were much prefered to those of former Cardinal quarterback Jake Plummer, who stops by twice a week seemingly for no other reason than to drink as much free Gatorade as possible.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/retired-kurt-warner-dropping-by-cardinals-training,29388/

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 7:35 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 8:53 pm 
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:o


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 9:09 pm 
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Soundgarden Inadvertently Reunites At Area Cinnabon
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AUGUST 8, 2008 | ISSUE 44•32 | MORE NEWS

SEATTLE—Members of the popular 1990s grunge band Soundgarden shocked critics and fans alike Tuesday, appearing together publicly for the first time in more than a decade after accidentally running into one another at the Northgate Mall Cinnabon.

The unplanned 15-minute reunion was the result of a number of unrelated events, including lead singer Chris Cornell stopping by the baked-goods franchise to buy a Caramel Pecanbon, drummer Matt Cameron taking a break from shopping at the nearby Banana Republic, bass player Ben Shepherd walking by and noticing his one-time bandmates in the food court, and former guitarist and Cinnabon daytime supervisor Kim Thayil working the 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. shift.

According to those in attendance at the packed fast-food venue, the highlight of the incidental Soundgarden reunion came when the rockers reconciled their differences and teamed up for the first time in years to finish off an order of Cinnabon Stix.

"At first it was pretty awkward and none of them seemed like they were really into it," said Al Helbling, 30, a Northgate Mall Sam Goody employee and Soundgarden fan. "But then the drummer comes in and right after that the bass player comes in, and it was like, 'Yes, Soundgarden is back.' It was so intense."

The former members of Soundgarden, who have not released an album together since 1996's Down On The Upside, reported that it was initially difficult to find common ground, but once they began exchanging ideas and riffing on which sugar-filled dessert they were going to order, the chemistry felt "as strong as ever."

While Shepherd told reporters he enjoyed seeing his old bandmates, he admitted to experiencing some last-minute doubts about going through with the encounter.

"I got all the way there, but then I just didn't know if I could do it," Shepherd said. "I had a huge lunch that day. And Cinnabon, that's some really sugary stuff, even if you have a sweet tooth like me."

Thayil, who joined the band shortly after it was formed in 1984, said some tension arose between himself and former front man Chris Cornell early on in the reunion, after Thayil scolded Cornell for entering the cinnamon-bun snack purveyor without a shirt.

"Honestly, I didn't even recognize Chris at first," Thayil said. "All I saw was this bare-chested guy entering the store, and that's unacceptable in the food-service industry. I hate to be the enforcer, but just because we were in a band together doesn't mean I can allow him to create an unhygienic environment."

The heated situation was quickly settled, however, when Thayil offered Cornell a complimentary 12-oz. CarmeLatta Chill. In turn, the 44-year-old lead singer responded by serenading Thayil with a version of the group's hit song "Black Hole Sun" in which he replaced the titular phrase with the word "Cinnabon." Cornell, former singer for the now-defunct group Audioslave, then stuffed his pockets with napkins, saying he needed them for a later solo project.

The two soon moved to a back table, where they joined Shepherd and drummer Matt Cameron, the latter of whom said he was overjoyed to see his old bandmates, since he had to "kill some time" before Pearl Jam practice.

Although Tuesday marked the first time the group has fully reunited, the members of Soundgarden have had a few near-misses in the past 10 years. In August 2000, all four members were seen entering Seattle-area Arby's restaurants, but the reunion never materialized: Cornell and Cameron visited the Meridian Avenue location, while Thayil and Shepherd decided to visit the Michigan Street franchise. The afternoon did, however, mark the largest Temple of the Dog reunion to date, when Cornell and Cameron ran into the rest of the supergroup's members in the restroom.

After the success of the Cinnabon reunion, Soundgarden is reportedly planning a tour of the Sunglass Hut and Piercing Pagoda.

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 10:01 pm 
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Midget Falls the Equivalent of Three Stories


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 2:33 pm 
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Nation's Creepy Middle School Gym Teachers Also Come Out In Favor Of Circumcision
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WASHINGTON—Following a recent statement from the American Academy of Pediatrics touting the benefits of circumcision, the nation’s creepy middle school gym teachers have also announced their support for the procedure, declaring it the more hygienic and aesthetically preferable alternative. “We just want to see healthy, happy boys out there, unencumbered by unsightly folds of loose foreskin,” creepy middle school gym teacher spokesman Mr. Griffon said at a press conference Wednesday, stressing that his group did not dislike uncircumcised penises per se, but simply found them less than ideal. “No boy should have to go through life with a disease-ridden flap of skin obscuring the elegant curve of his glans.” The group also decried the growing childhood obesity epidemic, due to its reported deleterious effects on student health and the firmness of pubescent breasts.

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Tue Oct 02, 2012 12:09 am 
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Is that Isaac Brock?

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Wed Oct 17, 2012 7:38 pm 
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Horrible Boogie Boarding Accident Leaves Man Totally Bummed Below The Neck
October 13, 2012 | ISSUE 48•41 | More News in Brief
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ENCINITAS, CA—Local boogie boarder Kevin McLean was hospitalized Friday following an accident that left the 25-year-old completely bummed from the neck down, according to doctors. “On arrival, gnarly complications had already wiped out much of Kevin’s mobility, leaving him in mondo knots and dangerously elevating his body’s levels of weak sauce,” said Scripps Memorial Hospital’s Dr. Aaron Muriel, who described the accident as “hella, hella tragic” but encouraged McLean and his family to hang loose and maintain a tubular perspective if possible. “Unfortunately, his spinal cord is also effin’ cashed, so it may be months or even years before he regains any righteousness in his extremities. Frankly, we’re just psyched he’s alive.” At press time, McLean remained in mad bogus condition.

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Wed Oct 17, 2012 7:41 pm 
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Alex wrote:
Horrible Boogie Boarding Accident Leaves Man Totally Bummed Below The Neck
October 13, 2012 | ISSUE 48•41 | More News in Brief
Image
ENCINITAS, CA—Local boogie boarder Kevin McLean was hospitalized Friday following an accident that left the 25-year-old completely bummed from the neck down, according to doctors. “On arrival, gnarly complications had already wiped out much of Kevin’s mobility, leaving him in mondo knots and dangerously elevating his body’s levels of weak sauce,” said Scripps Memorial Hospital’s Dr. Aaron Muriel, who described the accident as “hella, hella tragic” but encouraged McLean and his family to hang loose and maintain a tubular perspective if possible. “Unfortunately, his spinal cord is also effin’ cashed, so it may be months or even years before he regains any righteousness in his extremities. Frankly, we’re just psyched he’s alive.” At press time, McLean remained in mad bogus condition.


eerie..I got tossed over in 2 feet of water face first


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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Mon Nov 19, 2012 3:02 pm 
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LOL.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-wh ... ne:default

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Mon Nov 19, 2012 6:08 pm 
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my sympathies are decidedly vidalian

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 Post subject: Re: The Onion thread.
PostPosted: Mon Nov 19, 2012 7:25 pm 
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/kim-jo ... for,30379/

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