Why Barnes & Noble can lick my hairy ass.


In the past month and a half, I've gone to Borders bookstore twice with
specific intentions to purchase two specific books. The first one was
Chaucer's Canterbury Tales and most recently was Dave Egger's A Heartbreaking
Work Of Staggering Genius. Both times Borders had neither of the books in stock.

Now, you're probably wondering why the fuck is this kid bitching about books he
can't find at Border's when the title of this specifically states that it is
Barnes & Noble can lick his hairy ass. Well, my friend, herein lies the answer
to your query. In both instances I was in and out of Borders in under five minutes.
I parked my car in their amply spaced parking lot, I walked in, went over to one of
their computer terminals, looked up the book in question, saw that they didn't have
it in stock, and I left. End of story. Barnes & Noble is the other major bookstore
in the area, so I decided in both cases to venture over to make my purchase.

So let's start at the beginning, with my good friend Geof. I went to Barnes & Noble,
and after spending an eternity trying to find a spot in their miniscule parking lot,
I finally went inside. I looked around a bit, I noticed that when I looked up Chaucer
on Border's computer it had listed it in the fiction/literature section. So I browsed
through the same section in Barnes & Noble, and my search proved fruitless. I went over
to find a computer terminal, and when I found one, it had a big sticker on it saying
"employees only". It was in plain view, so I decided not to be all devious and use it
anyway. I wandered around the store a bit, searching for an employee to help me find
the book I need. I didn't feel like waiting in the enormous check out line just to ask
a cashier to find my book and then tell me I need to find someone else who isn't at a
register. So I skipped ahead and just looked for an idle employee. Sounds easy, right?
Well, it isn't. I spent the next 15 minutes just searching for a damned employee, and
when I was about to give up, I found one. A short middle aged woman with light brown
hair and a soft mousey voice.

So I ask the woman if they had Canterbury Tales, by Chaucer. She replied that they should
have it, and if I knew what section it might be in. Now, I don't know if I'm the crazy
one here, but isn't it HER job to know where the books are in HER store. Jesus Fucking
Christ. So I bite my lip and calmly tell her, well, I thought it might be in the fiction/
literature section. So we venture over there only to confirm what I already found out
when I originally came into the store: it wasn't fucking there. So she looks up, puts her
hand on her chin, and thinks. I finally ask her where else it could be, and she replies
that she doesn't know, but she can find out. So we walk back over to the employees only
computer and there is another employee standing in front of it. He isn't using it, just
using the phone next to it. Instead asking him politely to move so she can find my book,
she waits until he is off the phone and then she timidly asks him if he can find it on the
computer for us. He looks it up, and tells her it's in the poetry section. We walk away,
only to get halfway through the aisle only for her to turn around and ask him where the
poetry section is. Fucking a, man. So we finally get there and when we see all the
different editions of Canterbury Tales, she begins to show them to me like she's some fucking
Chaucer Scholar. Fuck her. Fuck her like it isn't a thing. You know, after all that shit
the last thing I need is for her to still stand there with me, pretending like she's the
fucking queen of all that is Chaucer.

And then we have the most recent adventure, the one with Dave Eggers. Once again I spend
more time in the parking lot then is ever necessary and go inside. I'm not sure exactly
where this book would be, so I look around the store for an employee. I can't find one,
so this time I skip the bullshit and use the employees only computer myself. It tells me
it's in the biography section, so I go and look. Now, do you think it was there? Of
course it fucking wasn't. I look and I look, but for nothing. I look around for an
employee, and I finally find one. She at least knows the book I am talking about, and knows
right away it should be in the biography section, so she looks for me. She sees that it
isn't there. At this point, another customer comes over and asks her for books on child
care. Instead of telling her to wait, she goes and shows this lady where the child care books
are, and leaves me there looking like an asshole. I spend the next ten minutes looking for
her, and finally find another employee. She looks on the main display table in the middle of
the store and finds my book there. As I am walking to the registers, the original employee
sees me and asks if I found it. I tell her I did, and instead of just walking away, she
starts talking up a storm about where it was, and how I found it. She finally says "well,
maybe I should move some off the table into the biography shelf". Someone give this lady
the fucking nobel prize or somethine, because she's fucking brilliant.

You know what this all boils down to: customer fucking service. At Borders, I can park
quickly, look up the book I want without a hassle, and if I'm still stuck, I can go to a nice
little booth they have set up in the center for people with questions. In fact, they'll even
go get the book for you while you wait there. I understand when they're out of certain books,
shit like that happens, and I'm OK with that because I can still be out of there in uder five
minutes. Just think of the shit I go through at Barnes & Noble, and imagine how pissed I'd be
if I were only to find they were out of stock. It just isn't right. So this is what I say
to the people at Barnes & Noble: it is YOU who can lick my hairy ass. Lick those dingleberries
clean, for you deserve no better.

order online?

Sometimes you want the book now.

tl, dr

Do you have local, non-corporate book stores where you live?

you and your initials


I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!

A few failing ones. But for some reason I always have a gift card for either borders or b&n, so 90% of my book shopping is done at those two.

did you try to fuck that girl yet?

The girl from the Why I Suck thread? Or the middle aged woman with the mousey voice?

I meant the one from your suck thread...but either or

I actually havent seen her since then.

too long, didnt read

let us know if you get her to lick your hairy ass instead of a bookstore

That is just the epitome of laziness right there. Not the fact that you didn't read it, but the fact that "too long, didn't read" was too much to type.

You will be the first to know.

it means that he has a short attention span.

send titty shots via pm

I am guessing the chick is going to be one of the first to know

if it doesnt involve laura, i dont care about it

haha! you beat me to it...