I apologize, first of all, because I've had this story to keep for my very own for over a month now. I should have thought of you first, RuM, but I didn't.

What you are about to read is true. Horribly, horribly true.

My friend and former drummer Dan is a flight instructor. About two years ago he introduced me to a guy he was...instructing?...named Jim. Now, Jim is one of those cats that us married guys look up to and secretly hate. He's 53, an independent contractor, and has never been married or even in any kind of real long-term relationship. He's in great shape, he's well-dressed, he's got a new girl every time you run into him, and they're all twenty years younger than him. He's a certified scuba diver, he now owns his own plane, and he climbs mountains. He never drinks a scotch that is younger than 20 years old, because he doesn't have to. He has a wine cellar and a lake house with a kickass boat. One time last year, when school was cancelled for a snow day, he tried to talk me into flying up to a place about 150 miles north of here to go snowmobiling. Another time we flew up to a trailer park in Iowa because a friend of his needed help building some dog houses. I don't know either...but it was fun.

So I love this guy. And I hate this guy. Get it?

Now, Jim was dating a local musician girl of about 27. Gorgeous woman. She called him late in the summer and asked him to help her trim the branches on a tree in her backyard. He climbs up the ladder, tells her to hold on to it for him, and starts trimming.

Her cell phone rings.

She walks away and answers it.

The ladder falls. Jim drops like 20 feet...and comes down straddling a deck chair.

My friends, although he didn't realize the severity of the situation just yet, this man named Jim had just broken his dick.

It wasn't until some weeks later when he was healed up and musician girl suggested they "make sure everything works" that it all went to pot. See, when it stood up, it looked like this.


She immediately broke up with him.

So now you know all about my friend Jim. Jim with the broken dick.

*worst

as a man, regardless of your jealousy, you have to feel for a man who broke his dick.

a thought for all the dickbroken.

I frequently find myself saying "At least I'm not Jim" a lot lately.

Despite the broken dick, CHUD still aspires to be Jim

And a new villain is born.

We should really pass around the collection plate for this guy. I mean, having a broken dick pretty much makes you an automatic GD lifer.

This is terrible news, but Jim had to know better. I would never trust a female to hold a ladder for me. I have a 6 inch scar from the the last time my wife "helped" me move a bed frame.

so we're trying to put central air into our house. We thought we could afford it and we committed but new costs keep piling up. 2500 to put in a new power supply, the carpenter taking out the old wall units just told me today that they're gonna need to replace a chunk of the bedroom wall that they discovered sustained extensive water (and possibly termite--hopefully from an old infestation) damage. I'm not sure how we'll pay for this crap. But now none of this matters because at least I don't have a broken dick.

If she would dump him that quickly, he's better off looking for somebody else.

I too feel much better having considered this.

You know, some kids in third world cuontries don't even have dicks.

they have rickets instead

I'd rather have a broken dick than rickets.

we almost lost Lenny to rickets in '05

Then to a broken dick in '08. Poor Lenny can't catch a break, it seems.

What about people without lake houses that have broken dicks? I feel the worst for those ones.