After CHUD so unceremoniously mocked me during his facebook chat, ive decided to isolate my updates to one thread.


Todays Story.

My Son Jake, is a big kid.
And now he is starting to get mobile (7 months old)
So I decided today its a good idea to lower his crib, given he is starting to try and climb up on it.
So he takes another one of his patented "Im not being held, so my nap is going to be" 4 minute naps. When he awakes, i queue up Caillou for the daughter, and go get him..
I set him on the carpet with some toys, and turn to lower his crib.
Before i can even pull the mattress out, he is yelling hysterically.
I say to him "jake, you're out of luck on this one, i need to get this done before your nap"
He obviously did not understand, as he continued to yell.
I resumed my work, at a feverish pace, in order to try and curtail the noise as quickly as possible.
He keeps yelling, so i go to plan B. I summon his sister to come entertain him, which usually shuts him up.
It did not. So It was him yelling, her trying, and me working in his room.
As i am screwing back in the 3rd of 4 screws, my daughter states, in a slightly distressed voice "Im Peeing"
And we are in the midst of potty training, so she knows to run for the bathroom.
and she did.
right over his fucking mattress.
so i had to take off her underwear, put her on the potty to finish up, and clean her.
hes still hysterical.
and the crib was half put together.
I finally finished and a 5 minute job took 30 torturous minutes.

LOL "I'm peeing".

Kids are like little drunks sometimes.

To be fair, it was google chat and Jorge played the role of Skitch Patterson.

No Skitch. I will not allow you to post in just one thread. RM needs more Skitch Patterson.

i havent been around much lately, have I?

neither have I. But that's not important.

So my mom came over the other day with my niece (i think i typed this sentence elsewhere...)
my niece was trying to get my son Jake to come play with her, and she said Jakey, come on Jacob. I stopped her and said, Jacob? Where did you hear that? She said
"Grandma told me"
I look at my mom and asked her what she thought my sons name was, and she said Jacob.

His name is simply Jake, not short for anything.

Stupid mother.

Update: Alive.

But do they deserve to be? Is that the question? And if so, who answers?

Was your link selection random?

Damn Skitch. I have a 6 month old daughter (planning on more in the future) and your threads/posts about parenthood scare me. She's been an angel so far, but I just keep waiting for "the day".

Mine are wonderful kids.
But they are a lot of work.
is yours mobile yet?

Not yet, man. So far it's work, but so much fun. Once she can crawl/walk, the "a lot of work" part is gonna be much more real. I can't imagine it ever being anything than cool, though, even though there'll be rough days.

Oh, its always cool. And I wouldn't trade my kids for anything, except maybe a really good sandwich, or a discount on car insurance or something.

Yeah, the hard part about infants/toddlers is you keep telling yourself its going to get easier. Every good thing they can do to make your life easier, comes with a bad until you are able to converse with them a little bit. Once that happens you at least get a fighting chance. What makes mine more difficult is that
A. I have 2 within 2 years of each other, so that has meant absolustely no break, or time to go out with the wife without the kids, and
B. My son is ahead of the curve on mobility things (which his common on the younger of 2 that are close together- he gets to see his sibling move, and he wants to as well). The problem is, that he could walk before 10 months, which means he didnt have the awareness to actually look around at what he was about to fall on .

they're good kids, but they are a damned handful.

So we are sitting down eating dinner, and my daughter abandons her plate out of sight. I presumed playroom. So anyways, my 10 month old son is repeatedly throwing his sippie cup at my wife, and she is getting a bit frustrated
"Jakey, stop throwing the sippie at me!"
he of course responds with his trademark desperate wail, as he tosses it back in her direction
I chuckle a bit and say "Is jakey being a douchebag?"


from under the table...

"Im not being a douchebag, daddy"

Um, adopt me into the Pattersons?

that would make things.... awkwardcreepy

I'm a pretty ok daughter.

girl, you're oblivious.

So. My last 10 days..

Whilst watching our 6 month old television one evening, my wife had to confiscate a penny from our delightful daughter, as she was trying to feed it to Jake. She tried to toss it on the mantle that the television resides on. Well, her arm is good, but her aim is awful. Square in the middle of the tv. TV is fine... until we turn it on the next day. 3 Vertical lines in the screen spanning top to bottom, luckily under warranty. However, the authorized repair facility is about 45 minutes away. And the part took a week (almost) to get in.
This was last Sunday. The part came in Friday, so after work (which started at 5:30 am) i came home, picked up the TV, took it there and got it in 5 minutes before they closed. I proceeded to get stuck in traffic for well over an hour and didnt make it home until like 7ish.

Our daycare lady has been getting more and more demanding about what days off she needs. So on Sunday she hints that she can't watch our kids anymore. No big deal, we'll find someone else. She says we have two weeks. Around the holidays. We Work Retail. So i argue with her quite a bit (I do the arguing, since my wife usually does the dropping off and picking up), and we decide that after the end of the year we will part ways, and we'll work around her schedule. She's a cunt, but oh well.

While discussing the whole problem of the daycare on monday with my wife and I decided we're going to try and work alternating schedules, so that we'll save a shit ton of money, and not have to worry about daycare at all. We decide that for this to work, we may have to involve my dad and step mother in occasional babysitting duties. I try to call me dad- straight to voicemail. Not uncommon, as he turns his phone off for doctors appointments- and having Survived Prostate cancer, both knees replaced, gall bladder removed, etc, he has pretty frequent appointments. I try again 2 hours later. Still straight to voicemail. Weird

Later in the day, I get a call.
"Well, i just wanted you to hear it from me, I spent the night in jail." First time in his life he is arrested- and he's 60. Did large amounts of Coke in the 80s. Big Alcoholic in the 70's. Now he's a 60 year old man who plays golf on saturday, watches CBS sitcoms, and buys yard equipment he doesn't need so that he can mow the lawn 2-3 times a week. Turns out, on Sunday afternoon, he was at my nieces (his granddaughter) soccer game. Also in attendance were my sister, and her ex bf (the father). Those 2 don't get along, and my sister is straight up white trash. Everything is a reason to fly off the handle and to yell, and curse, and get violent (not with her kid, thank god), which is why i haven't talked to her in a year. So her, and her ex start arguing. My sister, with all her class, decides to attempt to spit on him. My dad was on the other side, and saw his arm go up very quickly toward my sister- it looks like he just punched my sister in the face. So my dad picks him up to move him off... and whats my sister do? Uses that opportunity to punch him repeatedly. So the guy presses charges on my sister (rightfully so) but acknowledges my dad was just trying to break it up... well the fresh faced young officer doesn't see it the same way... he decides to classify as "domestic" violence so that there doesn't need to be a complaining witness. So the following morning, when my step mother goes to pick him up from the station, she makes a snide remark to my sister. My sisters response? To tell my dad that she "no longer has a father". Thanks dad for sticking up for me!

So i was off yesterday with the kids. With the daycare thing, and the dad arrested thing, needing to go that big distance to get my tv back, etc. weighing on my mind- I had a long day ahead of me. It started off poorly, as my wife left early for work, and my son woke up. So after working a 15 hour shift, i got 6 hours sleep. Yay! Dealt with him, he was fine.. and then my daughter woke up. She was in a mood from the beginning. She's a good kid, but she gets very very whiny when something doesn't go the way she wants too. And thats what she was doing. Luckily, she recently discovered "The Fishy Movie". So imagine my joy when she asks for the "the fishy movie"- it means an hour and a half of peace and quiet. I go in the playroom, hit play. Nothing. So i go up to hit eject- the drawer wont open. The DVD player is officially broken. Done. None of the trays will open, nothing will play. And because of the loaner television, the ps3 isn't attatched. No way to watch the fishy movie. I change gears- Distraction... Isla, you wanna go shopping?
"I wanna go shopping with daddy!!"
Success. Things are turning around. We head to target. I randomly just start chatting with women and their kids at the store. I think to cover for the fact that I couldn't find my kids coats. Pick up some stuff, Isla is having a great time looking at all the chrismas stuff, and Jakey is making all the old ladies smile. Phone rings- TV is ready. Instead of cutting it close and dealing with rush hour, I convince Isla to take her nap in the car. We loop by the house, pick up the loaner, and go. She falls asleep instantly, as does her brother. The whole way. Both ways. Awesome. I get the tv in the house and hooked up. My dad calls me back again- he has an extra dvd player so i can pick that up.. and my wife should be home in a couple of hours. Things are looking up!


So Isla is pretty potty trained, but not entirely. Occasionally she has a little accident before she realizes she has to go, and flipping out about being 'wet'. So I hear her in the next room, and she said "daddy i peed!!" and begins to whine. So i go running in, and she actually made the potty with all of it, except a drip. So I help her up to wash her hands, and i turn around.. to see me son standing over her potty... and i go to move him so i can get the pee out of there and see something floating in there.

my 3 week old droid 2.


Fuck Life.