Some are funny, some are not, I am going to start posting these from Real Time with Bill Maher, read them debate them, ignore them:


August 19, 2005

MAHER: Okay. It is time for New Rules everybody.

(chris)ROCK: We made it to the rules!

MAHER: We made it to the rules. We didn't run out of gas. We made it to the rules.

New Rule: Angelina Jolie has to put the little Asian kid down. Is it a child or just something to hide a tattoo? You know, Paris Hilton loves her little rat dog, but once in a while even she just shoves it in her purse.

ROCK: The kid and the dog?

MAHER: Yeah, that was too close.

ROCK: That's a big kid, man.

MAHER: New Rule: Stop blaming the summer box office slump on DVDs and video games, and demographics. The summer box office was down because no one knows who the hell Ewan McGregor is. You know how you can tell you're not a movie star? When people would rather watch a penguin.

ROCK: Oh!

MAHER: That's old. Silly, huh?

ROCK: "Train Spottin'", man. "Train Spottin'", man.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

ROCK: Hey, hey. Hey... Hey!

MAHER: What?

ROCK: Let's leave Howard alone.

MAHER: No. New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: Celebrities must stop using their TV shows to hawk their other projects. A point I should have made in my book, New Rules. Polite musings from a timid observer. Available in bookstores everywhere, and on amazon.com. Itunesaudible.com and Costco. Audio tape from Phoenix. Audio void where prohibited by law.

And finally New Rule: You don't have to teach both sides of a debate, if one side is a load of crap.

Now, President Bush recently suggested that public schools should teach intelligent design, alongside the theory of evolution. Because, after all, evolution is quote, "just a theory." Then the President renewed his vow to drive the terrorists straight over the edge of the earth.

Now, here is what I don't get. President Bush is a brilliant scientist. He's the man who proved you can mix two parts booze with one part cocaine, and still fly a jet fighter. And yet... yet he just can't seem to accept that we descended from apes.

It just seems pathetic to be so insecure about your biological superiority, to a group of feces-flinging, rouge-buttocked monkeys, that you have to make up fairy tales. Like we came from Adam and Eve, and then cover stories for Adam and Eve like, intelligent design. Yeah, leaving the Earth in the hands of two naked teenagers. That's a real intelligent design.

I'm sorry, folks, but it may very well may be that life is just a series of random events. And that there is no... master plan. But enough about Iraq. Let me instead restate my thesis. There aren't necessarily two sides to every issue. If there were, the Republicans would have an opposition party.

And an opposition party would point out that even though there's a debate, in schools, and government, about this, there is no debate among scientists. Evolution... is supported by the entire scientific community. Intelligent design is supported by guys online to see "The Dukes of Hazzard."

And the reason there is no real debate, is that intelligent design isn't real science. It's the equivalent of saying that the thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, because it's a god. It's so willfully ignorant you might as well worship the U.S. Mail. It came again! Praise, Jesus!

No, stupidity isn't a form of knowing things. Thunder is high pressure air meeting low pressure air. It's not God bowling. Babies come from storks is not a competing school of thought... in medical school. We shouldn't teach both. The media shouldn't equate both. If Thomas Jefferson...

If Thomas Jefferson knew we were blurring the line this much between church and state, he would turn over in his slave. Now as for me, I believe in evolution and intelligent design. I think God designed us in his image, but I also think God is a monkey! God bless you and goodnight!

All right, that's our show. I want to thank Chris Rock, Kellyanne Conway, Asa Hutchinson, Phyllis Schlafly and Mr. Paul Hackett. Thank you very much, folks. See you next week.

haha! new rules is always great. I wish i would have caught that show cause any show with Chris Rock is gold.

Rock got kinda annoying with the oil/gas comments. Like, it was funny the first 6 times, but it lost its charm shortly thereafter..

Yeah, that's how I felt. He's intelligent enough that I really thought he could have contributed better to the debate.

I did enjoy when the former asst sec. of Homeland Security was saying how Iraq is starting off on better footing than the US did when this country formed and Rock responded with: "Yeah, like they don't hate black people." I knew it was coming and it was still hilarious.

Really? This is funny? Maher's an ass who hasn't been funny in years, regardless of whether he makes salient points.

Rock's last comedy special on HBO was awful. He sucks now, too.

On a tangent, I love how he tied McGregor, star of the 7th-highest grossing film of all-time (which came out this year), to a down year at the box office.

And did I read that right? He had the former O-coordinator of the Jets on?

Listen, sometimes Maher is a little full of himself and Rock didn't really contribute anything, but he was funny, when he was really just trying to fuck with the other guests. You have to take everything witha grain of salt and enjoy what you can. I need to go back through the new rules archive because some of them have been priceless. Peace!

September 2, 2005

MAHER: All right, it's time for New Rules, everybody. All right, New Rule: Now that they've been hit by hurricane, the Alabama National Guard has to call up President Bush. Since he never really reported for duty back then, get out your chainsaw, Mr. President, it's brush-clearing time.

New Rule: If President Bush is going to exclusively play to military audiences, he must carry a golf club like Bob Hope and tell the Marines that the mess in Iraq is bigger than Dolly Parton's boobs. Why is there a troop shortage in Iraq? Because so many of them have to be here doing photo-ops with this clod. This guy has shown his ass to more servicemen than a bar girl in Thailand. I'm mad now!

New Rule: Tulips aren't flowers. They're some kind of gay onion.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

You know, I was once beat up after school, and believe me, I would gladly trade that pummeling for a session of oral sex with my French teacher - no matter how much his mustache tickled.

And finally, New Rule: Defenders of the war in Iraq must stop comparing it to the American Revolution.

DYSON: Thank you, thank you.

MAHER: Yes. The only thing the Iraqi leadership has in common with our founding fathers is that neither of them used deodorant. Now, the sight of Iraqis having a constitutional convention has put a lump in the throat of Bush, Rumsfeld and Cheney, all of whom have compared the American patriots of 1776 to our soldiers in Iraq today, mostly because they're using the same equipment.

Let's just mention a few ways this analogy breaks down. One: the American Revolution was a home-grown rebellion fought with guerilla tactics against an occupying army of foreigners and mercenaries. Okay, that is exactly what's going on in Iraq. Oh, except for one thing: This time, WE'RE ENGLAND!

DYSON: Right, right, right.

MAHER: You need proof? The only people on our side? England. Uh-oh, wait a second, our teleprompter just went down. [he pulls script out of his jacket] That's why I always carry it with me.

DYSON: Bill, you are prepared.

MAHER: Isn't that something? I have to say, I was never a Boy Scout. I would have made a damn good one. No, no, I don't need your cards. I've got it right here.

DYSON: Bill, direct FEMA. Let him direct FEMA!

MAHER: The only people on our side: England. Turns out, home field advantage, very important in wars. Also, a huge difference when it came to the big, basic issues. Our founding fathers were all pretty much on the same parchment. It wasn't like Jefferson was for representative democracy but Adams and Madison were ultra-orthodox clerics chanting the Bible.

But Iraq, you know what Iraq is like? Okay, take Pat Robertson, put him in the desert...oh, that's good. The American Revolution was nothing like what's going on in Iraq. Our founding fathers didn't have thousands of years of bitter feuds and grudges between them. Franklin's people had not gassed Hamilton's people.

Our framers were a homogenous group comprised only of white, land-owning males. Today, we would hardly call that a constitutional convention. We'd call that a Republican Convention.

"We, the people" did not include women, blacks, gays or Indians. It took another 200 years to become "We, the Village People..." Or, as Ben Franklin said at the signing, "Who are we forgetting?"

But I have not lost hope for Iraq. The sons of Mesopotamia do have greatness in their history. And although the obstacles are many, there is one thing that binds the Sunni, the Shiite and the Kurd: they hate the f*** out of us.

All right, thank you very much. Michael Eric Dyson, Bradley Whitford, Mary Berry. You've been a great audience. I thank you for coming on a difficult night for us. Thank you very much.

Rock definitely let me down on that episode... and i must say that the New Rules segment is my least favorite thing on the show... it's gotten a little better of late, but i still think it's the weakest part of the hour

9/15/06