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 Post subject: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 7:13 pm 
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http://www.theonion.com/content/news_br ... of_prayers

Report: 32% Of Prayers Deflected Off Passing Satellites

HOUSTON — According to an official NASA report released Saturday, nearly 32 percent of all prayers exiting Earth are deflected off satellites orbiting the planet—ultimately preventing the discharged requests for divine intervention from ever making it to the Gates of Heaven.

"After impact with the satellite, these diverted prayers typically plummet back into the atmosphere, where they either burn up or eventually land, unanswered, in a body of water," the report read in part.

"Of the remaining prayers, research confirms 64 percent fail to make it past the stratosphere because they aren't prayed hard enough, 94 percent of those with enough momentum are swallowed by a supermassive black hole at the center of the Milky Way galaxy, and 43 percent are eaten by birds."

The report concluded that, of the 170 billion prayers issued last month, one made it to God, whose reply was intercepted by a hurricane and incorrectly delivered to a Nigerian man who reportedly did not know what to do with his brand-new Bowflex machine.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 7:17 pm 
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one of my faves


Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything—I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man's man, too—big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn't seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my cock, that is.

Where does this queer get the nerve to suck my cock? Did I look gay to him? Was I wearing a pink feather boa without realizing it? I don't recall the phrase, "Suck my cock" entering the conversation, and I don't have a sign around my neck that reads, "Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My Cock."

I've got nothing against homosexuals. Let them be free to do their gay thing in peace, I say. But when they start sucking my cock, I've got a real problem.

Then there was the time I was hiking through the woods and came across a rugged-looking, blond-haired man in his early 30s. He seemed straight enough to me while we were bathing in that mountain stream, but, before you know it, he's sucking my cock!

What is it with these homos? Can't they control their sexual urges? Aren't there enough gay cocks out there for them to suck on without them having to target normal people like me?

Believe me, I have no interest in getting my cock sucked by some queer. But try telling that to the guy at the beach club. Or the one at the video store. Or the one who catered my wedding. Or any of the countless other homos who've come on to me recently. All of them sucked my cock, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

I tell you, when a homosexual is sucking your cock, a lot of strange thoughts go through your head: How the hell did this happen? Where did this fairy ever get the idea that I was gay? And where did he get those fantastic boots?

It screws with your head at other times, too. Every time a man passes me on the street, I'm afraid he's going to grab me and drag me off to some bathroom to suck my cock. I've even started to visualize these repulsive cock-sucking episodes during the healthy, heterosexual marital relations I enjoy with my wife—even some that haven't actually happened, like the sweaty, post-game locker-room tryst with Vancouver Canucks forward Mark Messier that I can't seem to stop thinking about.

Things could be worse, I suppose. It could be women trying to suck my cock, which would be adultery and would make me feel tremendously guilty. As it is, I'm just angry and sickened. But, believe me, that's enough. I don't know what makes these homosexuals mistake me for a guy who wants his cock sucked, and, frankly, I don't want to know. I just wish there were some way to get them to stop.

I've tried all sorts of things, but it's all been to no avail. A few months back, I started wearing an intimidating-looking black leather thong with menacing metal studs in the hopes that it would frighten those faggots off, but it didn't work. In fact, it only seemed to encourage them. Then, I really started getting rough, slapping them around whenever they were sucking my cock, but that failed, too. Even pulling out of their mouths just before ejaculation and shooting sperm all over their face, chest, and hair seemed to have no effect. What do I have to do to get the message across to these swishes?

I swear, if these homosexuals don't take a hint and quit sucking my cock all the time, I'm going to have to resort to drastic measures—like maybe pinning them down to the cement floor of the loading dock with my powerful forearms and working my cock all the way up their butt so they understand loud and clear just how much I disapprove of their unwelcome advances. I mean, you can't get much more direct than that.


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 7:22 pm 
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Doug RR wrote:
I tell you, when a homosexual is sucking your cock, a lot of strange thoughts go through your head: How the hell did this happen? Where did this fairy ever get the idea that I was gay? And where did he get those fantastic boots?


:lol:

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No matter how dark the storm gets overhead
They say someone's watching from the calm at the edge
What about us when we're down here in it?
We gotta watch our backs


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 8:49 pm 
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hahahahaha


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 9:03 pm 
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From the "I'm going straight to hell" category (but still one of my favorites):

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29257


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 9:07 pm 
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Chris_H_2 wrote:
From the "I'm going straight to hell" category (but still one of my favorites):

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29257


so wrong

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Unfortunately, it's so elementary, and the big time investors behind the drive in the stock market aren't so stupid. This isn't the false economy of 2000.


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 9:18 pm 
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glorified_version wrote:
Chris_H_2 wrote:
From the "I'm going straight to hell" category (but still one of my favorites):

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29257


so wrong

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heh


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 9:45 pm 
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They were issued ammo that is incompatible with their rifles.


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 9:53 pm 
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Chris_H_2 wrote:
From the "I'm going straight to hell" category (but still one of my favorites):

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29257


that is wrong on so many levels

:mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 9:55 pm 
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this is a wall street favorite...

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33922

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 2:41 am 
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McDonald's Drops 'Hammurderer' Character From Advertising

OAK BROOK, IL—Bowing to outcry from consumers and parents groups, the McDonald's Corporation announced Monday that it is discontinuing its new advertising mascot, "The Hammurderer," a mischievous, homicidal imp who kills McDonaldland characters and takes their sandwiches.

Image

Developed by Chicago advertising agency DDB Needham, the Hammurderer made his debut two months ago and has since appeared in a series of Saturday-morning television commercials, as well as on Happy Meal bags and activity placemats. All appearances by and references to the violent, ill-tempered prison escapee will be dropped.

"Over the years, McDonald's has successfully introduced a number of new characters whose defining characteristic is a certain measure of comical, criminal intent," said Andrew Perlich, McDonald's vice-president of promotions. "Such shady characters as The Hamburglar, The Goblins, and the bloodthirsty pirate Captain Crook have all fit nicely into the McDonald's advertising universe. We had every reason to believe that the Hammurderer, with his long rap sheet of burger-related crimes and his signature cry of 'Stabble Stabble Stabble,' would take his place in this proud lineage of McDonaldland mischief-makers."

The Hammurderer's Jan. 11 debut ad—in which he seizes and devours the McDonald's Happy Meal Guys, oblivious to their frantic screams—earned poor marks from parents and child-development experts, who feared the spot might send the message to children that killing is acceptable. Several weeks later, more controversy erupted over the promotional coloring book "Shivved In The McRibs," in which the Hammurderer decapitates Mayor McCheese and eats his head. Responding to widespread public outrage, McDonald's executives defended the coloring book as "not nearly as violent or socially irresponsible as it has been made out to be, given that the Mayor's head is, in fact, a giant and conceivably edible cheeseburger."

But the uproar over the latest commercial, in which Birdie The Early Bird is garroted by the Hammurderer and her body tossed in a Dumpster, was vociferous enough to prompt the fast-food giant to pull the plug.

"We are sensitive to the concerns of parents and will immediately begin phasing out this character," Perlich said. "Whether we will remove him from commercials without explanation or write him out of the spots with a bloody police standoff, we have yet to decide. But we're confident the Hammurderer will be off the national radar by April."

Hammurderer toys and promotional items, which include dolls, T-shirts, ski masks, and spiked bats, have been recalled and are expected to become prized collectibles.

This is not the first time a McDonald's character has stirred controversy for its violent nature. In 1982, the company introduced "Shakes McJunkie," an emaciated addict who robbed characters of their possessions, which he then sold to buy McDonald's shakes. He was later reworked as "The Machead," a homeless, wild-eyed Big Mac addict who turned to panhandling and gay prostitution as a means of supporting his severe burger habit.

The Hammurderer is quickly becoming regarded as the worst-received advertising mascot since Kool-Aid's 1989 discontinuation of "The Grapist," a huge purple monster who sodomizes thirsty children.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 2:43 am 
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I Got What America Needs Right Here
By Jimmy Carter
Image Sometimes I'm a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I'm wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help me understand one fucking thing right now, America, and explain to me what in the Christ is going on here. 'Cause, unless I'm missing something, this country is in the middle of a motherfucking shitstorm, and I have no fucking idea what you're gonna do to get out of it. I mean, are you seriously considering voting for one of these shitbags you got here in '08? Fat fucking chance.

Way I see it, America needs a president who's gonna somehow un-royally screw up the Middle East, do some serious cleaning up after you dropped your pants and took a steaming dump all over the fucking environment, and—boom!—restore dignity, honor, and all that shit to these United States.

See, I got solutions to all your problems—I got 'em right here in my big, hairy ballsack.

You better get down on your hands and knees and kiss Jimmy Carter's rosy-red Georgia-peach-picking ass and beg me to run your fucking country again, because there's no way I'm ever gonna come to you fuck-knobs and politely ask you if I might please be a presidential candidate in your precious fuckin' election. So you can just bite my cock. I've had it with you jerkoffs and your jerkoff candidates.

You actually seem to think one a' these assholes is gonna prance in and wave a magic wand and make everything all nice again. Look at you, sitting there like a common fucking schnook and eating all their bull about bi-fucking-partisanship, and how they have all the goddamn answers. Let me tell you something: These fags are dogshit compared to Jimmy fucking Carter, all right? I was arbitrating Mideast crises when this bunch was still sucking on their mamas' titties.

But who comes to me, huh? Fucking nobody. Why ask old Jimmy anything? What the fuck could he know about peace in the Middle East? It's not like he fucking won the Nobel Peace Prize for that shit. You myopic pricks. Back in '79, I sat Sadat and Begin right down and made those two dicklicks shake hands. It was beautiful—I had all the pieces lined up and I smiled and waved in my best fucking suit and tie right there on TV. And what do you do, you pieces of shit? You screw the whole goddamn pooch.

Cocksuckers.

Oh, what's that I hear? The weather's all screwy? You got a global warming problem? Boo-fucking-hoo! I was telling you morons to turn off your lights and unplug all your shit at night to conserve energy in 19-fuckin'-75, for chrissake. Gee, I wonder what woulda happened if we'd all switched to solar power like I fucking did back when we had a fucking chance to do something about it. Think we'd still be sucking Saudi Arabia's dick like a five-dollar whore? I sure as fuck didn't get no fancy Oscar for that little spiel, though, did I? No. But Al Gore, that cum-sucking pig, steals the shit from me and now he's the greatest thing since Jesus Christ made a fucking sandwich.

Well, he can lick my asshole right after George W. Bush, that fuck.

You want compassion? Somebody who's looking out for the little guy? Why don't you take a look at Jimmy Carter, 'cause unlike, oh, every motherfucking candidate out there, he spent the last fucking quarter-century building houses for the homeless. And what does he get for it? A fucking hernia. Some fucking gratitude, you selfish twats. You talk to me about compassion? I'll shove a crucifix so far up the Democrats' asses they'll be asking me to buy them dinner and kiss them good night.

Funny thing about me: I actually fucking know shit! Not like these goombas trying to weasel their way into the White House. I practically wrote the book on collapsing bridges, inflation, and the working poor, fuck-o. I even got a degree in nuclear engineering or some shit. You know how easy I could swoop down right now like a guardian angel and solve all your fucking problems? Snap. Bam. Do it in my fucking sleep. Just fucking try me.

So you want me to run for president again? Yeah, sure, absolutely, I'll do it. I'd be honored to do it—with my fucking dick in your mouth, you worthless scumbags.

You had your chance with Jimmy Carter, and you fucking blew it. So get fucked. Fucking country.


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 2:44 am 
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Hahahaha I loved that Jimmy Carter one, good call.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 2:44 am 
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JimNasium wrote:
McDonald's Drops 'Hammurderer' Character From Advertising


My all-time fave. I still remember the first time I read it I almost went into cardiac arrest.


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 2:45 am 
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Orpheus wrote:
Hahahaha I loved that Jimmy Carter one, good call.


I think that picture of him that makes the article just that much better.


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 3:25 pm 
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Now that god no longer exists, the desire for another world still remains.

Always do the right thing.


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 7:07 pm 
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Olympic Torch Used To Ignite Tibetan Protesters
April 7, 2008 | Issue 44•15



BEIJING—A universally recognized symbol of goodwill, the Olympic torch was used to immolate hundreds of Tibetan protesters during its journey across mainland China last week, in what is being called a stirring display of competitive spirit and Chinese nationalism.


Image

"It was a thrilling experience," said torchbearer Wei Xiang, a member of the People's Liberation Army, who personally set 23 monks ablaze as he ran past their peaceful protest. "Today, I am very proud to be Chinese." As the torch travels the globe, a group of Serbian Nationalists has reportedly offered to transport the emblematic flame across the newly independent nation of Kosovo.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 6:47 pm 
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Listen, Can You Do Me A Favor And Join The Army?

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By Sgt. 1st Class Steven L. Hynde
Army Recruiter
April 23, 2008 | Issue 44•17

Hey, can you do something for me real quick? Could you enlist in the Army? I'm only asking because I was just wondering about it, because it would be great, I think. If you joined the Army. And it would definitely help me out.

You would really get something out of it, too, I think. You could travel to whole other countries. All around the world. It would be an adventure. You would get to use equipment and stuff like that. It could be amazing. Just think about it. Plus you would be doing me such a huge favor that I cannot even tell you.

Seriously, why not sign up? I'll get you the form. It will only take a second. You just sign on the line and you're in. I can be there with you and show you where to sign and everything, if you want. I'm happy to do it. Especially since you'd be doing such a nice thing for me by signing up. So you should really do it.

Man, thanks so much in advance.

As far as going to other countries goes, which I mentioned earlier? Yeah. You totally could. You might get stationed anywhere—there's tons of other countries. And you'll get sent to one of them. You'll go somewhere for boot camp, too. Maybe in Kentucky or California. Not bad, huh? And then they will ship you off to just about anywhere you can think of. Unfortunately, I can't say for sure where you might eventually go. That's not up to me. It depends on your deployment orders, and what might be going on at the time, as far as where your help would be needed in the world, and I don't have any control over that. Wish I did. I'd send you to Hawaii or some other fun place just as a way of saying, "Hey, thanks for signing up, buddy."

You got the DVD I sent you, right? Pretty cool. And the razor? Did you get that? There's a video game, too. It's fun. Would you like to play it with me sometime? Come over whenever. We'll play it.

Let's see, what else? I already mentioned it would be an adventure, because it really would. You get to learn about weapons and other skills. There's ropes to climb on. And Jeeps. I'm not even kidding you. You will get to shoot a gun. It's going to be amazing. Serious. And there will be other people there.

Once again, I can't tell you how much it would mean to me if you signed up. You would really be doing me such a solid if you could just commit to like 18 months in the Army.

And did I say the thing about pay? Yeah, I don't know how I could have forgotten that part. You could get thousands of dollars. For school or whatever. What could be better than that? It's just our way of saying we appreciate your joining up. Plus, you could get your life on track. Not that your life is screwed up or anything. I don't mean to imply that.

You'd really have a lot of respect, I think, too, if you went in the Army at this particular point in time. It wouldn't just be about helping me out of a really tough spot and everything. It would be about the uniform, which is one of respect. When you wear it, you would hold your head up high.

I think it's great and all, your coming to my aid and signing up, if you do.

Oh, another thing I mentioned before that I almost forgot about was all the amazing equipment that they would let you use if you signed up for the Army. Guns and cannons and tanks. Some really cool stuff. And that's not even to mention the advanced satellite and electronics machines. All of that! Those things are unbelievable. If you sign up, you could be learning how to use those things. That's what I did: I learned all of that stuff and it wasn't even that hard. That's what's so amazing about it.

Now that you know my story, and see that I joined and went and I turned out great, why don't you just hop on over and join, too? You like me, right? So then just do me this favor and sign up and go into the Army for me. And for you. Probably even more for you.

Because, yeah, there's so many reasons why joining the Army is a great thing for you personally. The money and the respect. And training? Also, you know, because if you could sign up that would be so nice of you. I don't want to say I need you to join up, but I would like you to. I'll seriously owe you a big one.

That's all you have to do. If I got you one of those enlistment forms, could you just sign it? I'd really, really, really, really, really appreciate it. Really. A lot.

If you make it back, I promise I'll totally do something for you. I'll help you move!

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 7:30 pm 
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Army recruiters are pretty skilled in their trade, at least in my experience with them. Methinks corporate phone bank operators could learn some things from them on how to sell. :thumbsup:


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 8:15 pm 
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They were pretty piss-poor in my area. Leaving a folded business card in my door that says "Looking for Nate" isn't really going to work. I'm just glad I didn't have to talk to the douchebag.

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