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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 21, 2010 6:09 pm 
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/peasan ... -hand,999/

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Peasant Wedding Gets Out Of Hand
January 22, 1997 | ISSUE 31•02


OOTGROOT, FLANDERS—A peasant wedding in the Flemish town of Ootgroot degenerated into a drunken melee Friday, leaving several dead and the town's butter churn overturned.

Drunken peasants revel at the wedding of Margrethe, daughter of Jan the Beekeeper, and Pieter, an apprentice harness-maker. Spanish mercenaries were eventually called in to quell the chaos.

The wedding, described by observers as "coarse" and "picaresque," was quelled by the dawn of the Sabbath, but not before several in the wedding party perished and swine ran amok in the cornfield.

"Not since the Inquisition have I witnessed such unbridled carnage," said Boort der Dyck, local magistrate and owner of a fine yearling ass.

The wedding of Margrethe, daughter of Jan the Beekeeper, and Pieter, an apprentice harness-maker, happened to fall on the Feast of St. Anthony, patron saint of swineherds and bell-ringers. It is believed that this may have intensified the drunken revelry amongst guests. A great sheep's-bladder of cider was brought up from Antwerp for the occasion, and pipers were engaged to make merry music.

According to reports, vows were scarcely finished when the peasants began to fight over the cauldron of swill that served as the wedding repast. The abundance of cider and the pipers' ever-present melodies soon drove the peasants into a frenzy of mad whirling, gluttony and prankish behavior.

"Mies the Swineherd ripped his codpiece dancing about," said Grete, wife of Franck the Butcher. "And Joost the Dullard tied a bell to Puss' tail and dropped her in the well."

Delirious from the increasing mayhem, wedding patrons urinated out the windows of their thatched hovels, smashed earthenware jugs and whacked blind beggars with gourds.

The already-explosive situation soon deteriorated when a brawl broke out between members of the bride's and groom's families over the ownership of a pheasant.

"Pieter's clan argued that it now belonged to them because it was part of Margrethe's dowry, which Margrethe's family denied," Grete said. "Soon both parties were drubbing each other with their great meaty fists, which they scarcely felt because they were so full of the cider."

So disturbed was Erasmus van Ghent, burgomaster of Ootgroot, that he called upon a local garrison of Spanish mercenaries to put down the chaos. Witnesses report that the Spaniards took to their work with relish, impaling many with pikes, severing codpieces and setting huts ablaze. Within minutes of the Spaniards' arrival, the peasants scattered to parts unknown, and a relieved van Ghent rewarded the garrison with guilders and sacks of saltpeter.

"Plague take these sinners, and their ungodly ways," van Ghent said. "Such coarse, loutish behavior on the part of the lower classes is not to be tolerated."

Holy Roman Emperor Charles V could not be reached for comment.


:haha:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 21, 2010 6:22 pm 
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I chuckled.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 22, 2010 4:56 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 22, 2010 5:12 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 22, 2010 6:29 pm 
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cutuphalfdead wrote:
:haha:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 15, 2010 1:35 am 
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EPA Study: Rivers Shouldn't Smell Like Shit
July 14, 2010 | ISSUE 46•28

WASHINGTON—A study released Monday by the Environmental Protection Agency concluded that rivers should never smell like shit, noting that when naturally occurring waterways do reek of fecal matter there is "more than likely something wrong with them." "Starting from the base definition that a river is a free-flowing body of fresh water, we concluded that a shit-smelling river basically runs contradictory to that," EPA administrator Lisa P. Jackson said. "It doesn't matter if a river stinks of human shit, animal shit, or sewage shit, 99.9 percent of the time a river should not make individuals cover their nose and mouth because of an overwhelming shit smell." The study also concluded that rivers probably shouldn't have abandoned tires in them.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Jul 16, 2010 7:10 pm 
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Unpublished Twain Autobiography Rails Against YouTube, BP, War In Afghanistan
July 16, 2010 | ISSUE 46•28


BERKELEY, CA—Editors of the long-awaited autobiography of Mark Twain said Tuesday they were surprised to discover the unedited manuscript of the forthcoming book contains lashing, in-depth criticism of the website YouTube, the recent BP oil spill, and the ongoing military action in Afghanistan. "The corrosive voyeurism incited and succored by this YouTube, and the attendant vomitous mush which masquerades as commentary thereupon, is perhaps the keenest example of the debasement of American discourse, dragging our last guttering ideas of community and fellowship through the electric muck," Twain writes in one paragraph before turning his attention to international matters just two pages later. "As concerns British Petroleum's continued putrefaction of the seas, it is the largest stain yet on the corrupted idea of the world as a market—that same lustful, self-concerned greed in the guise of idealism that perverts our young idealists into thuggish hatchet-men, misled, betrayed, and fated to gasp the blood of their final heartbeats into the Afghani dust." Editors noted that several passages did display guarded optimism for the innovations of new media, warm affirmation for the "generous and great-hearted nature" of health care reform, and enthusiastic praise for High Violet, the latest album by indie-rock favorites the National.


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 1:04 pm 
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/recently-single-al-gore-finally-able-to-listen-to,17824/

Recently Single Al Gore Finally Able To Listen To W.A.S.P. Albums

Image
The former vice president searches for his favorite track on the 1986 album 'Inside The Electric Circus.'

NASHVILLE, TN—Finally unhindered by his wife Tipper's 25-year-long household ban on violent and sexually explicit music, former vice president Al Gore, 62, reportedly embraced his newfound independence this week by listening to the albums of the heavy metal band W.A.S.P.

"For the first time in decades, I get to play the kind of music I like without someone nagging me about what a bad influence it is," said Gore, sitting on the floor of his living room as he cued up the song "Animal (Fuck Like A Beast)" on his stereo. "And I get to crank it up as loud as I want."

"These guys are kicking some serious ass," added the two-term U.S. Senator. "Check out this guitar break coming up—it's nasty."

Gore, who was prohibited from hearing music with graphic sex, violence, or drug references since Tipper founded the Parents Music Resource Center in 1985, confirmed yesterday that her crusade was "total bullcrap." In addition, Gore said that listening to the forbidden W.A.S.P. albums over and over again had not turned him into a satanic dope fiend as his wife and her associates had warned.

Image
Gore enlists a couple of old friends to help him "ride the demon."

"It sucked because we always had to listen to garbage like Carly Simon and Lyle Lovett all the time," said Gore, who told reporters that he was "loving" being single again. "That stuff is lame, man. If it doesn't have big balls and bigger riffs, get it out of my stereo!"

According to Gore, being deprived of artists like W.A.S.P., Mötley Crüe, and Ice Cube for so many years only made him more curious. The former presidential candidate claimed that finally hearing them all for the first time was "like having [his] brains shot into outer space."

"I can't believe I wasted half my life helping Tipper put warning labels on this stuff when I could have been seeing these guys do their thing live," Gore said of W.A.S.P. "They used to whip raw meat at the audience. How bad-ass is that?"

"Cause I'm burning, burning, burning up with fi-ire! " added Gore, screaming the lyrics to "Wild Child."

According to Gore's personal assistant Eric Linscott, the Nobel Peace Prize winner has been spending most of each workday gorging himself on the songs "On Your Knees," "The Torture Never Stops," and "Show No Mercy."

"I spent six hours at Best Buy yesterday trying to find these Quiet Riot and N.W.A. albums he was asking for," said Linscott, who claimed he also purchased a mirror etched with the AC/DC logo for Gore's home office. "Whenever I try to talk to him about upcoming meetings or something, he just makes this, like, devil symbol with his hands or starts air-drumming. I'm really hoping this is just a phase."

Sources confirmed that Gore has also been catching up on movies that Tipper would not allow the 62-year-old to view because they contained violence, adult language, or nudity. He recently finished watching Purple Rain nearly 26 years after his wife forced him to turn it off because the song "Darling Nikki" contains references to masturbation.

Gore also announced plans to stay up all night watching Porky's, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, Red Dawn, and The Terminator.

"Why would I need Tipper when I've got all this?" said Gore, gesturing toward stacks of compact discs, vinyl albums, VHS cassettes, DVDs, and Nintendo games. "I'll tell you one thing: If she thinks I miss her, then she's out of her mind, because I don't. I'm living the dream here, my friend. I'm not lonely at all."

Added Gore, "Not lonely at all."

In related news, family sources reported that Tipper Gore has been enjoying her newfound freedom by taking 20-minute showers and leaving the lights on all day.


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 04, 2010 3:19 pm 
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:nice:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 07, 2010 5:48 pm 
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Ive found Onion Articles to be truthful and entertaining... at least I dont have to read through the lines when Im reading that like I do with the Chicago Trib...all there black and white as if Willy Wonka himself wrote it... I especially loved the article a few years back "Wall Street Gone Crazy after Found One Dollar Bill on the Floor" ... how true... they did go crazy when they sent a dollar bill through the wall... :P

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2010 6:50 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 20, 2010 12:51 am 
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http://www.theonion.com/video/prison-ec ... ret,14327/

nsfw


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 25, 2010 3:19 am 
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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 26, 2010 9:44 am 
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Quote:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/smart-qualified-people-behind-the-scenes-keeping-a,17954/
Smart, Qualified People Behind the Scenes Keeping America Safe: 'We Don't Exist'
August 25, 2010 | ISSUE 46•34

Image
A secret team of highly-trained, unstoppable super-geniuses, above, not actually protecting America, since this is not a photo of a real thing.

WASHINGTON—Members of the brilliant, highly trained, and dedicated team of elite professionals who work tirelessly behind the scenes to protect our nation and keep its citizens out of harm's way announced Tuesday that they do not exist.

"I know most Americans like to believe there are selfless, ultra-intelligent operatives like me out there watching over everything from an underground control room," said the Rhodes Scholar Navy SEAL national security official who for the past 10 years we have all mistakenly presumed to be an actual human being. "Unfortunately, though, I'm not employed by the U.S. government, I'm not working at all hours to foil terrorist plots, nor am I part of some secret network of sharp, capable agents, because no such network exists."

"And again, neither do I," the imaginary man added.

According to the utterly nonexistent super-geniuses who we've been telling ourselves are keeping our nation safe with their superior technology and lightning-fast decision-making abilities, there are currently no living people who resemble them at the Pentagon, CIA, FBI, DHS, TSA, or any other federal, state, or local law enforcement agency, and there never really have been at any point in American history.

Image
Millions of Americans bear the humiliation of airport security every day, erroneously believing there are real people currently protecting our nation by monitoring Yemeni terrorists from a subterranean control room near Denver.

Fictitious sources also confirmed that the so-called "masterminds" behind our country's security and strategic defense are in fact people of moderate to reasonably above-average intelligence just like us who perform their jobs with more or less the same degree of competence and zeal as any regular person with a job would.

"Obviously, it would be very comforting, and pretty cool, if there were stealth groups of resourceful, naturally gifted secret agents like me scouring the planet, rooting out terrorist sleeper cells, and tracking down Osama bin Laden," said a multilingual computer/ explosives/espionage expert who most Americans actually believe is a real guy out there. "I'm not denying that would be amazing; my only point is that it just isn't true."

"Believe me, I wish I existed, too," the fake man added. "I would probably be great."

Following the announcement, reporters learned that the all-seeing satellite cameras and invisible eyes that millions of Americans assume are diligently watching every square-inch of the country like a silent sentinel are either not up there at all, or are being monitored by a tired, modestly educated man reading Road & Track magazine in a tiny office.

And, despite the widely held belief in some sort of all-knowing superagency that secretly controls all the other intelligence branches from above, attempts by reporters to contact such an agency were unsuccessful, as there is no way this is actually a thing.

"Look, I understand your psychological need to invent someone like me so that you can stop worrying about imminent disasters and get some sleep at night," said the hyper-articulate, Princeton-educated political-scientist jujitsu-master we're all imagining. "But the reality is most of the smart, qualified people in this country are wasting away in assistant professorships at struggling public universities or making millions of dollars in some venture capital group. In fact, that's exactly the kind of job I would have right now if I were a real person. Which I'm not."

"But good luck with everything," he added, or rather didn't add, because he neither said anything nor even ever existed at all.

In response to the announcement, members of the actual team of government workers in charge of keeping our country safe each day sought to reassure the American people that the nation's welfare is in good hands.

"Oh, yeah, don't worry about it," said the underpaid 28-year-old GED recipient who makes you take off your shoes and throw away your water bottle before you get on an airplane. "We got all kinds of crazy computers and shit to monitor things, so there's no way anything can go wrong. We got you covered."


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Sun Aug 29, 2010 11:38 pm 
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homersheineken wrote:
http://www.theonion.com/video/prison-economy-spirals-as-price-of-pack-of-cigaret,14327/

nsfw



:lol:

"What's the mood out there?"

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 30, 2010 10:02 pm 
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spenno wrote:
Quote:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/smart-qualified-people-behind-the-scenes-keeping-a,17954/
Smart, Qualified People Behind the Scenes Keeping America Safe: 'We Don't Exist'
August 25, 2010 | ISSUE 46•34

Image
A secret team of highly-trained, unstoppable super-geniuses, above, not actually protecting America, since this is not a photo of a real thing.

WASHINGTON—Members of the brilliant, highly trained, and dedicated team of elite professionals who work tirelessly behind the scenes to protect our nation and keep its citizens out of harm's way announced Tuesday that they do not exist.

"I know most Americans like to believe there are selfless, ultra-intelligent operatives like me out there watching over everything from an underground control room," said the Rhodes Scholar Navy SEAL national security official who for the past 10 years we have all mistakenly presumed to be an actual human being. "Unfortunately, though, I'm not employed by the U.S. government, I'm not working at all hours to foil terrorist plots, nor am I part of some secret network of sharp, capable agents, because no such network exists."

"And again, neither do I," the imaginary man added.

According to the utterly nonexistent super-geniuses who we've been telling ourselves are keeping our nation safe with their superior technology and lightning-fast decision-making abilities, there are currently no living people who resemble them at the Pentagon, CIA, FBI, DHS, TSA, or any other federal, state, or local law enforcement agency, and there never really have been at any point in American history.

Image
Millions of Americans bear the humiliation of airport security every day, erroneously believing there are real people currently protecting our nation by monitoring Yemeni terrorists from a subterranean control room near Denver.

Fictitious sources also confirmed that the so-called "masterminds" behind our country's security and strategic defense are in fact people of moderate to reasonably above-average intelligence just like us who perform their jobs with more or less the same degree of competence and zeal as any regular person with a job would.

"Obviously, it would be very comforting, and pretty cool, if there were stealth groups of resourceful, naturally gifted secret agents like me scouring the planet, rooting out terrorist sleeper cells, and tracking down Osama bin Laden," said a multilingual computer/ explosives/espionage expert who most Americans actually believe is a real guy out there. "I'm not denying that would be amazing; my only point is that it just isn't true."

"Believe me, I wish I existed, too," the fake man added. "I would probably be great."

Following the announcement, reporters learned that the all-seeing satellite cameras and invisible eyes that millions of Americans assume are diligently watching every square-inch of the country like a silent sentinel are either not up there at all, or are being monitored by a tired, modestly educated man reading Road & Track magazine in a tiny office.

And, despite the widely held belief in some sort of all-knowing superagency that secretly controls all the other intelligence branches from above, attempts by reporters to contact such an agency were unsuccessful, as there is no way this is actually a thing.

"Look, I understand your psychological need to invent someone like me so that you can stop worrying about imminent disasters and get some sleep at night," said the hyper-articulate, Princeton-educated political-scientist jujitsu-master we're all imagining. "But the reality is most of the smart, qualified people in this country are wasting away in assistant professorships at struggling public universities or making millions of dollars in some venture capital group. In fact, that's exactly the kind of job I would have right now if I were a real person. Which I'm not."

"But good luck with everything," he added, or rather didn't add, because he neither said anything nor even ever existed at all.

In response to the announcement, members of the actual team of government workers in charge of keeping our country safe each day sought to reassure the American people that the nation's welfare is in good hands.

"Oh, yeah, don't worry about it," said the underpaid 28-year-old GED recipient who makes you take off your shoes and throw away your water bottle before you get on an airplane. "We got all kinds of crazy computers and shit to monitor things, so there's no way anything can go wrong. We got you covered."

:lol:

http://www.theonion.com/video/in-the-kn ... who,17966/

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 5:34 am 
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NHL To Allow Finishing Moves In Fights This Season
October 5, 2010 | ISSUE 46•39

09.25.08 NEW YORK—In a policy shift that seems to run counter to the recent emphasis on professional hockey as a game of speed and finesse, the NHL announced Wednesday that it will allow exceptionally graphic finishing moves for the 2010-2011 season. "At any point during an on-ice altercation, if one participant in a fight becomes dizzy or dazed, the arena announcer shall exclaim 'Finish him!'; whereupon the victor shall be given the choice of turning into a dragon and biting off his opponent's torso, ripping the other skater in half with a razor-sharp hat, or removing his hockey mask to reveal a fire-breathing skeletal face before burning his opponent to a crisp," the statement from the NHL Competition Committee read in part. "A two-minute minor penalty will be added to the five-minute fighting major if one combatant turns the other into an infant or offers him a wrapped present." The drastic rule change is believed to be prompted by an on-ice altercation last season after which the Oilers' Zack Stortini held up the skull and spine of the Rangers' Donald Brashear, receiving a three-minute standing ovation.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 8:41 pm 
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/kim-jo ... -to,18374/

Kim Jong-Un Privately Doubting He's Crazy Enough To Run North KoreaNovember 1, 2010 | ISSUE 46•44


lol

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 12, 2010 4:28 pm 
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http://www.theonion.com/personalities/h ... feld,1019/

super slow day at work today so i'm reading all his stuff. i can't stop laughing.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 2:12 pm 
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/surviv ... ce=related

Quote:
Survival Of Autoerotic Asphyxiation Closest Thing Man Got To Christmas Miracle
January 5, 2009 | ISSUE 45•02

DUNDEE, IL—Amid the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, sometimes there's a little miracle in store for all of us.
And that miracle was more or less what Dundee resident Herb Fosbeck received this past Christmas, when the 38-year-old survived a near-fatal session of oxygen-deprived masturbation.

"The doctors told me I'm lucky to be alive," said Fosbeck, who almost suffocated to death after tying a belt to the base of his showerhead, wrapping the leather strap around his throat, and cutting off his body's circulation in order to heighten climax.

Added Fosbeck, "Somebody up there must sort of like me."

At first glance, the overweight and single Fosbeck might not seem like the kind of character you'd normally see in a heartwarming Christmas tale. And, basically, he isn't, because this is not exactly that type of story. On the other hand, Fosbeck did learn something about the true spirit of the season, albeit in a rather disturbing way. And he didn't die. So if you think about the whole thing with that in mind, it's almost hopeful.

"This is what Christmas is all about, I guess," said police investigator Randy Haverscham, who, along with two other officers and several neighbors, discovered Fosbeck's unconscious body after responding to complaints of a loud crash. "Not really. But still."

A time for hearths, mistletoe, and sharing cider with those you love, Christmas largely passed the solitary Fosbeck by. Not invited to any festive get-togethers, and with no one to curl up with save the hollow-eyed actresses in his vast pornography collection, the middle-aged man's yuletide plans were limited to the fleeting satisfaction of choking himself while tugging weakly at his swollen member.

As Fosbeck slung the restrictive strap over his head, doing his best to ignore the sounds of carolers outside his open window, did he perhaps think he'd finally hit bottom? We can only assume so. But that turned out not to be the case because, right in the middle of furiously pumping his erection, he slipped in his bathtub, and suddenly found himself spasmodically dangling from his homemade noose.

"I remember putting the belt around my neck, and I guess I must have gotten pretty excited and started moving around too much, because the next thing I knew I was strangling to death," said Fosbeck, who was released from Dundee General Hospital's intensive care ward on Jan. 1. "I don't remember much after that."

Indeed, few could predict that Fosbeck was only moments away from getting the biggest Christmas gift of all. At least, in a just-barely-not-dying-while-tethered-to-a-bathroom-fixture sort of way.

Using his last gasps of air to scream out for help, the flailing unemployed carpenter suddenly heard in the background the faint jingling of Christmas bells. Was it the arrival of a guardian angel, coming to rescue Fosbeck? Or was it simply an auditory hallucination caused by the lack of oxygen to his brain? We may never know.

One thing, however, remains clear. With a sudden jolt, Fosbeck's showerhead ripped clear from the cheap plaster of his bathroom wall, sending the unconscious loner plummeting free, naked as the baby Jesus.

"He was still tumescent when we found him," said neighbor Bob Ngyuen, who followed police into Fosbeck's apartment. "We put a towel over him before we called the paramedics, just to give him the slightest shred of dignity. It was Christmas, after all."

And if that wasn't enough of a semi-miracle, or miracle-ish thing, or whatever you want to call it, when Fosbeck finally awoke in the hospital, his mother, whom he hadn't seen in four years, was standing over him, re-united with her estranged son on Christmas night.

"The police said I had to come, because they legally can't release a patient with potential brain damage unless they're with a relative or somebody to make sure they get home okay," Elaine Fosbeck, 70, told reporters using her electronic larynx. "Herb was always a disappointment, even as a child."

As Fosbeck looked into the face of his elderly, alcoholic mother, he uttered a familiar phrase, one often used to close holiday stories such as these.

"God bless us, every one," Fosbeck said. "All two of us. Not counting the nurse, who I didn't know."


:haha:

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