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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:38 am 
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If you have an HDTV, we recommend going to 'Menu' and lowering your set's 'Saturation' values 15% to compensate for Boehner #SOTU

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 2:06 am 
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What, you liberals have nothing else to complain about?

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 03, 2011 5:15 pm 
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Republicans vote to repeal Obama-backed bill that would destroy asteroid headed for Earth.

http://onion.com/i3CcA2

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Last edited by corduroy_blazer on Thu Feb 03, 2011 5:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 03, 2011 5:15 pm 
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"We believe that the decisions of how to deal with the massive asteroid are best left to the individual," King added.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 03, 2011 11:49 pm 
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corduroy_blazer wrote:
"We believe that the decisions of how to deal with the massive asteroid are best left to the individual," King added.

:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 10:22 pm 
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for thodoks

http://www.theonion.com/articles/teach- ... thni,1293/

Teach For America Chews Up, Spits Out Another Ethnic-Studies Major
February 16, 2005 | ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 41•07

NEW YORK—Teach For America, a national program that recruits recent college graduates to teach in low-income rural and urban communities, has devoured another ethnic-studies major, 24-year-old Andy Cuellen reported Tuesday.

"Look, the world is a miserable place," said Cuellen, a Dartmouth graduate who quit the TFA program Monday morning. "All people—even children—are just nasty animals trying to secure their share of the food supply. I don't care how poor or how rich you are, that's just a fact. I'm sorry, but I have better things to do than zoo-keep for peanuts."

Just one of the 12,000 young people TFA has burned through since 1990, Cuellen was given five weeks of training the summer before he took over a classroom at P.S. 83 in the South Bronx last September.

"I walked into that school actually thinking I could make a difference," said Cuellen, who taught an overflowing class of disadvantaged 8-year-olds. "It was trial by fire. But after five months spent in a stuffy, dark room where the chalkboard fell off the wall every two days, corralling screaming kids into broken desks, I'm burnt to a crisp."

Cuellen said his TFA experience "taught him a lot about hopelessness."

"The cities are fucked. The suburbs are fucked. The whole country is fucked," Cuellen said. "And there's not a goddamned thing you or anyone can do about it. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something. Or trying to get you to teach kids math."

According to Dartmouth literature, as a member of the ethnic-studies department, Cuellen learned "to empower students of color to move beyond being objects of study toward being subjects of their own social realities, with voices of their own."

Teach For America executive director Theo Anderson called ethnic-studies departments "a prime source of fodder."

"Oh, I'd say we burn through a hundred or so ethnic-studies majors each year," said Anderson, pointing to a series of charts showing the college-major breakdown of TFA corps members. "They tend to last a little longer than women's studies majors and art-therapy students, but Cuellen got mashed to a pulp pretty quickly. It usually takes ethnic-studies majors another year to realize that they're wasting their precious youth on a Sisyphean endeavor."

Continued Anderson: "Of course, we don't worry about it too much. Every year, there's a fresh crop to throw in the grinder. As we speak, scores of apple-cheeked students are hearing about TFA for the first time."

According to Anderson, a small portion of these students will lose interest after hearing horror stories from program alumni.

"But the majority of them will march on like cattle to the slaughter, thinking that pure determination and hope can change young lives," Anderson said. "I can hear their footsteps now, marching toward our offices like lemmings to a cliff. And believe me, we're ready for 'em."

Cuellen said he applied to TFA in search of a "character-building experience."

"I knew that teaching in a severely under-funded inner-city school would be challenging, but I wanted to get out into the real world," Cuellen said. "Well, breaking up fistfights between 8-year-olds all day long, I got a real ugly view of reality. Do you want to know reality? Look at a dog lying dead in the gutter. That's reality."

Although Cuellen quit the program early, his mother said he was with TFA long enough for it "to crack open his bones and suck out the marrow inside."

"Andy is a ghost," Beverly Cuellen said. "Those [TFA] people beat the idealism out of him, then they stomped on him while he lay there gasping for air."

TFA regional coordinator Sandra Richman said it is common to blame the TFA employees for the organization's high plow-through rate.

"Should I have said something to wake those kids up sooner?" Richman said, crushing out her seventh cigarette. "Probably. But listen, no one can tell you that you can't make a difference. It's something you have to figure out for yourself."

"You can only do so much," Richman added. "After a couple years of trying to teach our applicants about how difficult and depressing their lives will inevitably be—no matter what they choose to do for money—I just got burnt out. In the end, you've gotta resign yourself to failure and move on with your life."

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:04 pm 
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WASHINGTON—With lawmakers still at an impasse over increasing the debt ceiling, a special team of 40 eighth-grade civics teachers was air-dropped into Washington earlier today in a last-ditch effort to teach congressional leaders how the government’s legislative process works. “We started them off with the basics, like the difference between a senator and a representative, and then moved on to more complex concepts, like what a resolution is,” Bozeman, MT social studies teacher Heidi Rossmiller told reporters as all 535 members of Congress copied down the definition of “checks and balances” from a whiteboard in the House chamber. “It’s been a bit of an uphill battle, since most of them seemed to have no real sense of how or why a bill is passed, and Sen. [Harry] Reid [D-NV] had to come up to me during a break and ask, ‘Ms. Rossmiller, what happens if Congress can’t reach a compromise?’ But hopefully it will all start to sink in soon.” At press time, an unruly House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) had noisily stormed out of a lecture on bipartisan cooperation, claiming it was “too hard.”

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 7:34 pm 
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start at bottom, looks like the onion having some witter fun today


TheOnion The Onion
Obama: "I know this Congress well. Trust me, they will kill these kids." #CongressHostage
5 minutes ago

TheOnion The Onion
Obama on bullhorn: "John, I know you can hear me in there. Please, you don't need to do this." #CongressHostage
20 minutes ago

TheOnion The Onion
President Obama in bullet proof vest now on Capitol steps trying to talk congressmen down onion.com/r1pM9h #CongressHostage
42 minutes ago

TheOnion The Onion
Veteran hostage negotiator calls Rep. Boehner’s demands "unrealistic" onion.com/r1pM9h #CongressHostage
59 minutes ago

TheOnion The Onion
Extra demands include transport to Dulles airport with fueled-up private jet waiting on runway. McCain expected to fly it. #CongressHostage
1 hour ago

TheOnion The Onion
Three-course lunch from Charlie Palmer’s Steakhouse delivered as per Rep. Boehner’s demands #CongressHostage
2 hours ago

TheOnion The Onion
Released child describes scene inside as “very scary,” with senators fighting over each state’s share of the ransom #CongressHostage
2 hours ago

TheOnion The Onion
Child with asthma released as gesture of good will #CongressHostage
2 hours ago

TheOnion The Onion
Reports from those who know Congress say the legislative body had seemed desperate as of late #CongressHostage
2 hours ago

TheOnion The Onion
BREAKING: Congress demanding $12 trillion ransom or "all the kids die" #CongressHostage
3 hours ago

TheOnion The Onion
BREAKING: Hostage sends camera phone video from inside Capitol building onion.com/qi7JK3 #CongressHostage
3 hours ago

TheOnion The Onion
Panicked ER Doctor Calls 911 onion.com/oCXshd
3 hours ago

TheOnion The Onion
Arlington gun shop confirms Rep. @EricCantor bought 6 semi-automatic handguns, 3 rifles & 600 clips of ammo last month #CongressHostage
3 hours ago

TheOnion The Onion
Two chaperones are also being held, one of whom is said to be pregnant #CongressHostage
3 hours ago

TheOnion The Onion
Police helicopter just ordered to pull back after Rep. Trent Franks tried to take it down with a shotgun #CongressHostage
4 hours ago

TheOnion The Onion
Congress Takes Group Of Schoolchildren Hostage onion.com/r1pM9h #CongressHostage
4 hours ago

TheOnion The Onion
BREAKING: Capitol building being evacuated. 12 children held hostage by group of armed congressmen. #CongressHostage
4 hours ago

TheOnion The Onion
BREAKING: Witnesses reporting screams and gunfire heard inside Capitol building.
5 hours ago

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 8:28 pm 
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:haha:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 8:30 pm 
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Image

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2011 2:27 am 
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god that's fucking awesome

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2011 10:11 pm 
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Mickey, did you write this?

Breaking: Jessica Milly To Start Putting Out

NOVEMBER 16, 2011 |

DEARBORN, MI—In a shocking revelation that has rocked Thomas E. Dewey High School, sources in Mrs. Trimble's third-period English class confirmed this week that 17-year-old Jessica Milly will soon begin putting out.

At approximately 10:15 a.m. Wednesday, Milly made the watershed announcement to Tanya Harris, her best friend since sixth grade, saying she planned on going all the way with her boyfriend of three months, Josh Gibson.

"I didn't think she'd put out until senior year at the earliest," said classmate Eric Dobbratz, adding that the school's entire male population was now far more optimistic about the potential of getting laid before graduation. "I heard she did some stuff with Josh under a blanket at Josh's mom's house, but she didn't get naked or anything and they just rubbed against each other with all their clothes on until Josh got really bad blue balls."

"I had no idea she was ready to start spreading for guys," Dobbratz added. "I'm really glad I held out for her. Jessica is really frickin' hot."

Milly's level of willingness to put out has reportedly been monitored closely by the student body of Dewey High School over the past three years. Several students, most of whom maintained they heard it from a ton of different people, claimed Milly and Gibson would be doing it for the first time at Andy Wheeler's party Friday night.

"Andy's parents are going to be out of town and the house is super huge," said Heather Jones, who sits behind Kyle Barber in Mr. Jenkins' class and overheard the sophomore describing how everybody was going to be wasted and going at it. "Plus, there's plenty of places where you can do it, like the master bedroom, and they have two different couches in the basement."

While many details remained unclear at press time, sources close to Gibson said the 17-year-old is planning on doing it with Milly at least five times on Friday night, and is hoping to try doggy style. Conflicting and hotly disputed reports have surfaced, however, with certain factions insisting Milly will likely dump Gibson and instead put out for a starter on the varsity football team after Friday's home game against Redford North High School.

Other possible benefactors of Milly's recent decision to finally let a guy put it all the way inside her reportedly include homecoming king Ryan Hutchens; Jeremy Stoeger, who is really good at guitar; and Sam Robbins, who, although quiet and sort of weird, is said by reliable locker room sources to have a humongous dick.

"I don't care who she gives it up to, as long as I get some," junior Henry Goodwin said. "After all the stories about her letting that guy from Dearborn Heights she was dating rub his cock against her pubes a little when she was a sophomore, everyone knew it was only a matter of time."

"This is the biggest news since Tina sucked off Blake Whitcomb underneath the bleachers," Goodwin continued.

Many upperclassmen concluded Milly's decision to put out was part of a domino effect that began when her friends Julia and Kelly started putting out six months ago; those with knowledge of the situation suspect Milly's decision to go all the way could eventually open the door to juniors Samantha Moss and Melanie Cannon finally giving it up.
While most male students were excited by Milly's announcement, others expressed a tempered enthusiasm, recalling that Milly did not lose her virginity after she was felt up by senior Tim Penderman during a ski trip last January.

"Even if she does start to put out, she's not going to do it with everybody," said sophomore Jacob Mitchell, adding that Milly would likely still withhold sex from the vast majority of the school's males. "I'd be totally happy if I even got a hand job from Jessica, or got to titty-fuck her."

In a related story, several sources who went swimming last summer with Karen Anderson confirmed the senior has a huge bush.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2012 7:11 pm 
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Fuck Everything, Nation Reports
Just Fuck It All To Hell
News • News • Dec 14, 2012

"I mean, Christ almighty, how the fuck can this happen?" sources say.

WASHINGTON—Following the fatal shooting this morning at a Connecticut elementary school that left at least 27 dead, including 20 small children, sources across the nation shook their heads, stifled a sob in their voices, and reported fuck everything. Just fuck it all to hell.

All of it, sources added.

“I’m sorry, but fuck it, I can’t handle this—I just can’t handle it anymore,” said Deborah McEllis, who added that “no, no, no, no, no, this isn’t happening, this can’t be real.” “Seriously, what the hell is this? What’s even going on anymore? Why do things like this keep happening?”

Continued McEllis, before covering her face with her hands, “Why?”

Despairing sources confirmed that the gunman, armed with a semiautomatic assault rifle—a fucking combat rifle, Jesus—walked into a classroom full of goddamned children where his mother was a teacher and, good God, if this is what the world is becoming, then how about we just pack it in and fucking give up, because this is no way to live.

I mean, honestly, all 315 million Americans confirmed.

“Well, I suppose we have to try to pick up the pieces and make some sort of sense of this tragedy and—you know what? Fuck it, I can’t do this,” said Connecticut resident Michael Zaleski, his remarks understandable given the circumstances, because, holy shit, what else can one say? “I’m sorry, but I can’t fucking do this. Can you? Can anyone?”

Witnesses said the gunman fired at least 100 rounds during his deadly rampage, which, according to children in the school—goddamnit, how? How? Twenty children. Dead. In a fucking school.

No. No, no, no.

“I just feel so [why does it even matter what this person said when no words can bring 20 dead kids back to life?]” said some person who, just like everyone else, is completely unable to process or handle any of this. “It’s awful. Just too awful to bear.”

Americans reported feelings of overwhelming disgust with whatever abhorrent bastard did this and with the world at large for ever allowing it to happen, as well as with politicians, with the NRA, and above all with their own pathetic goddamn selves, sitting in front of a fucking computer instead of doing fucking anything to help anyone—Christ, as if that were even fucking possible, as if anyone could change what happened, as if the same fucking bullshit isn’t going to keep happening again and again and fucking again before people finally decide it’s time to change the way we live, so what’s the point? What the hell is the goddamned point?

“I…” said Tom Miller, 27, after reading an article about the tragedy online. “I just…”

“…” he added.

At press time…screw it, there’s nothing else to say.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2012 7:17 pm 
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Owl_Farmer wrote:
Quote:
Fuck Everything, Nation Reports
Just Fuck It All To Hell
News • News • Dec 14, 2012

"I mean, Christ almighty, how the fuck can this happen?" sources say.

WASHINGTON—Following the fatal shooting this morning at a Connecticut elementary school that left at least 27 dead, including 20 small children, sources across the nation shook their heads, stifled a sob in their voices, and reported fuck everything. Just fuck it all to hell.

All of it, sources added.

“I’m sorry, but fuck it, I can’t handle this—I just can’t handle it anymore,” said Deborah McEllis, who added that “no, no, no, no, no, this isn’t happening, this can’t be real.” “Seriously, what the hell is this? What’s even going on anymore? Why do things like this keep happening?”

Continued McEllis, before covering her face with her hands, “Why?”

Despairing sources confirmed that the gunman, armed with a semiautomatic assault rifle—a fucking combat rifle, Jesus—walked into a classroom full of goddamned children where his mother was a teacher and, good God, if this is what the world is becoming, then how about we just pack it in and fucking give up, because this is no way to live.

I mean, honestly, all 315 million Americans confirmed.

“Well, I suppose we have to try to pick up the pieces and make some sort of sense of this tragedy and—you know what? Fuck it, I can’t do this,” said Connecticut resident Michael Zaleski, his remarks understandable given the circumstances, because, holy shit, what else can one say? “I’m sorry, but I can’t fucking do this. Can you? Can anyone?”

Witnesses said the gunman fired at least 100 rounds during his deadly rampage, which, according to children in the school—goddamnit, how? How? Twenty children. Dead. In a fucking school.

No. No, no, no.

“I just feel so [why does it even matter what this person said when no words can bring 20 dead kids back to life?]” said some person who, just like everyone else, is completely unable to process or handle any of this. “It’s awful. Just too awful to bear.”

Americans reported feelings of overwhelming disgust with whatever abhorrent bastard did this and with the world at large for ever allowing it to happen, as well as with politicians, with the NRA, and above all with their own pathetic goddamn selves, sitting in front of a fucking computer instead of doing fucking anything to help anyone—Christ, as if that were even fucking possible, as if anyone could change what happened, as if the same fucking bullshit isn’t going to keep happening again and again and fucking again before people finally decide it’s time to change the way we live, so what’s the point? What the hell is the goddamned point?

“I…” said Tom Miller, 27, after reading an article about the tragedy online. “I just…”

“…” he added.

At press time…screw it, there’s nothing else to say.


I shared this when it happened. I got so much crap for it. But to me it's a great article.


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2012 9:19 pm 
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I never get past this part...

Quote:
sources across the nation shook their heads, stifled a sob in their voices, and reported fuck everything. Just fuck it all to hell.


...and then I start to get emotional again and stop reading.


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2012 12:28 am 
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I can understand that, McP, but I honestly don't think that piece is in bad taste at all. I think it perfectly captures the reaction to the event. It's just a perfect way for The Onion to express their feelings on the whole sickeningly absurd thing.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2012 1:05 am 
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I didn't mean to imply that I thought it was bad taste. Or, that I would be particularly concerned if it was.


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2012 1:03 pm 
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Yep. I cried hard when I first read this. It definitely goes beyond satire.


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2012 3:10 pm 
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That article is definitely not in bad taste.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2012 3:27 pm 
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That's awesome. As Owl_Farmer said already, it's perfect. As heartfelt of a reaction as anything I have read on the shooting and in a strange way, very comforting.

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