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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 06, 2009 7:21 am 
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IMO this is one of the single greatest articles they've ever done, but I can understand if no one else thinks so.

Stephon Marbury Embroils Celtics' Big 3 In Elaborate Shakespearean Intrigue
March 5, 2009 | Onion Sports

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BOSTON—Saying that "We cannot all be masters, nor all masters / Cannot be truly follow'd," disruptive point guard Stephon Marbury has been scheming to turn Boston's "Big Three" against one another since he signed with the Celtics last month, apparently trying to claim the team for his own.

Sources within the NBA said that within hours of reporting to his first practice, Marbury had met separately with forward Kevin Garnett, guard Ray Allen, and shooting guard Paul Pierce, and was seen whispering to each in turn while pointing at the other two. When asked what he had said to his teammates, Marbury answered, "I am nothing, if not critical," and refused further comment.

When the Celtics lost Sunday's home game to Detroit 105-95, Marbury, who was scoreless in his 12 minutes of play, could be seen smiling coldly from the bench as Pierce and Allen displayed greatly reduced chemistry, failing to pass the ball to open men or execute picks as effectively as they had in the past.

"I shall of these three fools now make my purse," Marbury was heard to say after the game, although he appeared to be addressing no one and perhaps spoke only to himself. "These stars are of a free and open nature, / And think men honest that but seem to be so, / And will as tenderly be led by the nose / As asses are."

When questioned about the meaning of his aside, Marbury said only, "I am not what I am."

Although Garnett, Allen, and Pierce originally welcomed Marbury to the team, stating that they believed he would be valuable coming off the bench and were looking forward to playing with him, they have since stated publicly that Marbury's secretive nature, conspiring attitude, and constant requests to speak with them alone are already beginning to wear on them.

"After the Detroit loss he pulled me aside and said that I should be as famous as Paul and Kevin," said Allen, who admitted that he found both Marbury's attitude and his language difficult to understand. "Except he said it like, 'Reputation is an idle and most false / imposition: oft got without merit, and lost without / deserving,' and I was like, 'Come on, man, I don't want to hear that.' My numbers are up since I played with them, is all I know, and they don't try and confuse me all the time."

"Stephon told me that the other two guys hated me because I was the most talented," said Pierce, who said speaking with Marbury was beginning to make him feel uncomfortable. "He said I should beware jealousy because it was 'the green-ey'd monster which doth mock / The meat it feeds on.' But I was like, 'Stephon, first of all, Kevin is a way better player than I am.' He just walked away muttering. I don't know what's up with that dude."

Garnett expressed a similar bewilderment with Marbury's behavior.

"Weird thing is, he kept calling the other guys moors, which is just really messed up," the 12-time all-star said. "I mean, what is that, anyway? He didn't say it like it was a good thing. If he plays good basketball he can do what he wants, but I'm not going to listen to anyone call me or my guys moors."

All three men also commented that Marbury had at some point pulled each one of them aside and told them the other two had been "making the beast with two backs."

"I was freaked out, but then I realized he expected me to be jealous, and that freaked me out even more," Garnett said. "Especially when I heard him tell people that's how I injured my right knee. I know Stephon was trouble even way back when we both played for the Timberwolves—he's been trouble everywhere he goes—but this is a whole new level."

Conferring with one another, the Big Three all agreed that Marbury had implied, if not expressly stated, that perhaps Celtics coach Doc Rivers should be stabbed to death, an implication they found unnerving.

When asked for comment, Marbury expressed surprise that his teammates would react to his presence in this way.

"Is it my contract?" asked Marbury, who will receive a prorated veteran's minimum of $1.3 million from the Celtics this season. "Because the money means nothing to me without the respect of my teammates. Good name in man and woman, dear my lord, / Is the immediate jewel of their souls: / Who steals my purse steals trash... / But he that filches from me my good name / Robs me of that which not enriches him / And makes me poor indeed."

When asked for clarification, Marbury responded, "Demand me nothing: what you know, you know: / From this time forth I never will speak [a] word," and requested that all further questions be directed to his agent, one Roderigo of Venice, who as of press time could not be reached.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 8:15 pm 
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Crime Scene Used To Be Cool
January 26, 2005 | Issue 41•04

LOS ANGELES—According to early arrivals at the scene of a multiple homicide in Koreatown, the alley is no longer cool.

Image
Gassel, who split a Koreatown crime scene shortly after Carmanica and Strenge (below) showed up.


Crime scenester Troy Gassel, 25, arrived at the crime scene around 6 p.m. Monday, when he and friends found two dead males slumped against a Dumpster behind Yo Minh's Korean Barbecue.

"It was cool, but then more people started showing up, and somehow the police got wind of what was happening," Gassel said. "Once they got on the scene, you couldn't even approach the bodies anymore. They turned the perfect little out-of-the-way place into a mob scene."

Gassel added: "My friends and I totally discovered those bodies."

LAPD officer Jason Carmanica was patrolling a nearby park when he saw a group of people gathered in the alley.

"When I showed up, I was the only member of the force on the scene," Carmanica said. "It was just people from the neighborhood: a couple ratty kids, a mailman, and some guy who was throwing out a mattress. That first APB about the murders? Mine."

Carmanica said the scene was initially "mellow."

"It was real laid-back at first—no sirens, just the regular guys from the beat with their thermoses of coffee," Carmanica said. "Then the detectives show up, shoving past you like they own the place. And those goddamn paramedics. I was like, 'I was here before you even heard about it from your dispatcher, so don't tell me to step away from the body. You step away from the body.'


Image
Police at crime scene.

LAPD detective Allison Cramer arrived at the crime scene a little after 6:45 p.m.

"The traffic cops had fucked up my evidence by the time I got there, but you basically expect that," Cramer said. "The rookies get the call on the radio and show up for social hour. There were so many blue-suits, I could barely turn around."
Officer Mark Strenge, who has been with the LAPD for six months, drove for nearly an hour to see the bodies.

"It was pretty amazing," Strenge said. "Lights flashing, tape everywhere, lieutenants yelling, 'Strenge, get me some gloves! Gloves!' The detectives were cool, too. I was talking to a couple of them, asking them who might have killed the victims and why. But then the reporters showed up, and suddenly everybody was too busy to talk to me."

According to Strenge, "as soon as the press gets wind of a new crime scene, it's over."

Tracy Zsidak, a staff reporter for the Los Angeles Times, has been on the crime beat for more than 15 years.

"I was getting some great material," Zsidak said. "It was just me, the police, the paramedics—all talking literally 10 feet from the bodies. Then the poseurs from the local TV affiliates started showing up, shoving cameras in everybody's face, and the lieutenants go mum and say, 'Get behind the tape like everyone else.' Those hacks don't know the first thing about the crime scene. With them, it's crime today, entertainment tomorrow—they'll go whichever way the wind blows."

KABC 7 News reporter Alex McPhearson said the crime scene was "pretty fun."

"But those forensics-squad guys give the worst quotes," McPhearson said. "It's like they're more interested in taking pictures of everything than being part of what's going on."

Strenge concurred.

"Pfft, forensics," Strenge said. "It's like, 'Oh, you found a strand of hair. Oh, you got some pictures of blood for your evidence files.' I saw the body, man."

LAPD forensics expert Hank Trevario said he had mixed feelings about the downfall of the crime scene.

"At first, it's kind of cool to be let behind the tape where the rest of the crowd can't go, but the novelty of that wears off pretty quickly," Trevario said. "You start to notice how crowded and noisy it is, and it starts to annoy you that it takes 20 minutes just to find your commanding officer."

According to Trevario, the once-hot crime scene is now just another tourist spot.

"After we leave, a crime scene is never the same again," Trevario said. "We take everything that mattters. People can write their true-crime books or make their TV shows, but they won't ever get it right. You can't recapture that feel once it's gone."

"Still, for a brief period, that crime scene was happening," Trevario added. "And I was there."

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 10:11 pm 
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The Celtics/Othello article was great, just great.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 11:01 pm 
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Simple Torture wrote:
The Celtics/Othello article was great, just great.


Thank you, I thought I was the only one. It appeals to a weird cross section of people. :haha:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 24, 2009 6:27 pm 
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they posted a video about an airport named after kafka that shows potential, but i can't see the vid at work :evil:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 25, 2009 9:33 pm 
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rafa_garcia18 wrote:
they posted a video about an airport named after kafka that shows potential, but i can't see the vid at work :evil:


I watched it and lol'd.

For everyone else: http://www.theonion.com/content/video/p ... ernational

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 25, 2009 9:56 pm 
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This is funny on its own, but also because I do this all the time:

Drunk Man Dangerously Close To Figuring Out You're Fucking With Him
March 25, 2009 | Issue 45•13

CHICAGO—The heavily intoxicated man seated next to you is dangerously close to realizing you've been fucking with him this entire time, nearby sources reported. Although he appears to still believe you love his Judas Priest T-shirt, the whiskey-soaked bar patron has stopped swaying back and forth and could, at this very moment, be one drunken thought away from figuring out that Al Pacino is not actually your uncle. "Hey man, have another beer," you said, attempting to distract the shit-faced stranger from suddenly putting all the pieces together and beating you senseless. "I think that bartender likes you. Go talk to her. " While the man will likely forget all of your sarcastic questions about ATV racing by morning, duping this poor schlub is reportedly the most meaningful conversation you've had all week.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 25, 2009 10:12 pm 
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Orpheus wrote:
This is funny on its own, but also because I do this all the time:

Drunk Man Dangerously Close To Figuring Out You're Fucking With Him
March 25, 2009 | Issue 45•13

CHICAGO—The heavily intoxicated man seated next to you is dangerously close to realizing you've been fucking with him this entire time, nearby sources reported. Although he appears to still believe you love his Judas Priest T-shirt, the whiskey-soaked bar patron has stopped swaying back and forth and could, at this very moment, be one drunken thought away from figuring out that Al Pacino is not actually your uncle. "Hey man, have another beer," you said, attempting to distract the shit-faced stranger from suddenly putting all the pieces together and beating you senseless. "I think that bartender likes you. Go talk to her. " While the man will likely forget all of your sarcastic questions about ATV racing by morning, duping this poor schlub is reportedly the most meaningful conversation you've had all week.


This is brilliant -- and God knows we've all been there.


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 25, 2009 10:29 pm 
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Yeah, I love patronizing drunk people. It's so fun and easy.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 01, 2009 5:06 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 09, 2009 7:34 pm 
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Londoners 2 Percent Less Polite About Terrorism Following Bombings
August 31, 2005 | Issue 41•35

LONDON—Findings released Monday by Britain's Home Office indicate that politeness among Londoners has dipped 2 percent since the July public-transit bombings. "Terrorist bombers? Well, I say—good day to them—a tip of my hat to them, indeed, and may they take their leave of our green and pleasant land," said Andrew Capper of Surbiton. "Far be it from me to pass judgment, as I've never met the chaps myself—and goodness knows I'm not without error—but I should think that a few of these terrorists have behaved in a manner that can only be described as rather less than gentlemanly, if I do say so myself, may it please you, good sir." The Home Office cites post-traumatic stress in the sharp decline in manners, the worst since the 4 percent drop during the Blitz of 1940.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 09, 2009 11:39 pm 
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Simple Torture wrote:

:haha:

:thumbsup:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 10, 2009 1:59 am 
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awesome

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Posting! Glorious Posting!

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iPones, man. Fuck.


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 1:50 pm 
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http://www.theonion.com/content/video/s ... =a-section


nsfw


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 2:01 pm 
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lol @ grand theft auto part

and it depends

where you work, amirite doug?

it should be nsfsw with the new s = some

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2009 4:52 pm 
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Pushpin Industry Thriving In Recession
'In Tough Times, People Need To Tack Things Onto Walls,' Analysts Say
April 24, 2009 | Issue 45•17

WASHINGTON—With unemployment at its highest rate in 25 years and countless retirement savings wiped out by the collapse of the stock market, experts say the American pushpin industry may be the lone bright spot in an otherwise bleak financial landscape.

"Everyone knows that when the economy contracts, pushpin sales expand," said Paul Michelson, a pushpin analyst for Wells Fargo. "In uncertain times, they provide a sense of stability to those who just lost their jobs or may be late with their mortgage payments."

Added Michelson, "Pushpins are sharp, rigid, and enable you to attach thin items to the wall. People really gravitate toward that."

In times of prosperity, however, consumers tend to be more interested in high-ticket items such as flat-screen TVs or oil paintings. During economic booms, the pushpins go in the back of the junk drawer until hard times hit again.

Since Edwin Moore's invention of the pushpin in 1900, people have turned to these inexpensive office supplies en masse during economic recessions. In the 1930s, pushpins were used by President Roosevelt to display signage detailing various New Deal social programs; in the recessions of the mid-1970s and early '90s, families affixed unpaid bills, help wanted ads, and inspirational posters to the wall with the versatile fasteners.

Image
The many uses of the recession-proof fastener.

"This is a great time to be in pushpins," economist Brad DeLong said. "In a soft economy, people turn to family for support, and they want pictures of their loved ones in a place where they can see them, only they can't afford to have those photos professionally framed. That makes the pushpin a very hot commodity."

But the popularity of pushpins might go beyond their utilitarian use. Market psychologist Julian Parson believes pushpins are deeply rooted in the American psyche.

"Just think back to the earliest memory you have," Parson said. "It's probably your mom in the kitchen looking at a recipe she had on the wall. And what held that recipe in place? Pushpins. They harken back to simpler times—baseball and apple pie—instilling a feeling that everything is all right."

"Especially the ones with the brass heads," Parson added.

As the financial news turns more and more dire, pushpin display racks in grocery stores are being stripped bare. But John Nayer, author of Pinned To The Wall: Thumbtacks And The American People In Times Of Economic Turmoil, says that the reasons for the success of the pushpin are not as simple as some would have you believe.

Nayer's book posits that it's not just a matter of items being placed on a vertical surface at eye level, because if that were the case, analysts would see a commensurate increase in tape and staple sales. In reality, Nayer writes, staples make people uneasy, and tape represents a disposability that many are not comfortable with.

"Pushpins say, 'Use me over and over again,'" Nayer writes. "They are the comfort food of household supplies."
There are other less optimistic theories about the popularity of pushpins. Some see a correlation between increases in sales and crime: As the market dips, the thinking goes, crime surges, and police need more pushpins for city crime maps and wanted posters.

Others claim that in tough times people are desperate to feel they're capable of making a mark on the world, which they can accomplish by spelling out their initials on bulletin boards.

Nevertheless, most analysts agree that the pushpin upswing is indicative of a revitalized interest throughout the domestic sector in affixing things to walls. And with the recession projected to continue for at least a year, pushpin sales show no sign of slowing.

"I needed some pins," Omaha, NE homemaker Susan Bloski said. "My husband's unemployment just ran out, things have been pretty tight around the house, and, with so many things that need to be put on walls, pushpins are really the only thing I have to look forward to when I wake up."

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iPones, man. Fuck.


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2009 11:37 pm 
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Quote:
"Pushpins say, 'Use me over and over again,'" Nayer writes. "They are the comfort food of household supplies."

:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 3:38 pm 
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Biden Quietly Singing Pearl Jam's 'Even Flow' During Security Briefing

http://www.theonion.com/content/from_pr ... eatureband


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Sat May 09, 2009 5:03 pm 
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Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department

CHEYENNE, WY—After attempting to contain a living-room blaze started by a cigarette, card-carrying Libertarian Trent Jacobs reluctantly called the Cheyenne Fire Department Monday.

"Although the community would do better to rely on an efficient, free-market fire-fighting service, the fact is that expensive, unnecessary public fire departments do exist," Jacobs said. "Also, my house was burning down."

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Sun May 10, 2009 1:27 am 
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:lol:

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