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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Tue May 11, 2010 11:04 pm 
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Quote:
JOAD: DON'T VOTE, HIDE IN MOUNTAINS, KIDNAP CHILDREN


rofl

the ending is hilarious

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2010 4:53 am 
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New Starbucks Opens In Rest Room Of Existing Starbucks

June 27, 1998 | ISSUE 33•20


CAMBRIDGE, MA—Starbucks, the nation's largest coffee-shop chain, continued its rapid expansion Tuesday, opening its newest location in the men's room of an existing Starbucks.

Enlarge ImageStarbuck's logo

"Coffee lovers just can't stand being far from their favorite Starbucks gourmet blends," said Chris Tuttle, Starbucks vice-president of franchising. "Now, people can enjoy a delicious Frappuccino or espresso just about any time they please, even while defecating."

The new men's-room-based Starbucks, the coffee giant's 1,531st U.S. location, will be open to both men and women when not "in use." In addition to offering specialty coffees from around the world, it will serve freshly baked pastries, Italian pannini sandwiches and soups, as well as the rest room's usual selection of toilet paper and soap.

"This is a great addition," said Jonathan Connolly, a Boston-area banker who tried out the new Starbucks Tuesday. "I was enjoying my usual triple mocha latté in the main Starbucks, and I had to go to the bathroom, where three people were in line to use the stalls. The wait might have been a problem, but, to my great pleasure, there was another Starbucks right there, ready to serve me more delicious coffee. And the baristas were helpful and courteous."

Connolly added that after he finished drinking his coffee and using the bathroom, he stayed for a poetry reading near the urinals.

"I was a little bit worried about the new restaurant cutting into our business," said Dave Grobelkowski, manager of the original Starbucks. "But the only people going there are ones who have already purchased items from us anyway. And if we run out of stirrers or cream, we can just go to the bathroom and borrow some."

According to Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz, the new location represents the beginning of a long-term expansion plan.

"Eventually, Starbucks rest rooms everywhere will sell coffee," Schultz said. "But that ambitious scheme is at least five years down the road. In the meantime, we plan to open an additional location in this Starbucks' ladies' room within months, and are already drafting plans for a fourth restaurant along the corridor leading from the main seating area to the rest rooms. At some point a 'Star-bucks Express' window will eventually open in the walk-in closet of the men's room Starbucks."

"Drink our coffee," Schultz said. "Drink it."


What's crazy is that this was 12 years ago....I didn't recognize the omnipresent nature of Starbucks until about 5 years ago when I counted 5 of them within 2 miles of my suburban Cincinnati home. - Jerram


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Sat May 15, 2010 7:23 pm 
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can i ask which side of town?

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu May 20, 2010 5:33 pm 
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The Onion made a master piece!! As a journalist student, this brought the luzl in a victorious fashion.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-so ... chr,17465/

New Social Networking Site Changing The Way Oh, Christ, Forget It
Let Someone Else Report On This Bullshit

May 20, 2010 | ISSUE 46•20

NEW YORK—While millions of young, tech-savvy professionals already use services like Facebook and Twitter to keep in constant touch with friends, a new social networking platform called Foursquare has recently taken the oh, fucking hell, can't some other desperate news outlet cover this crap instead?

Launched last year, Foursquare is unique in that it not only allows users to broadcast their whereabouts, but also offers a number of built-in incentives, including some innovative new crap The New York Times surely has a throbbing hard-on for.

In fact, why don't we just let them report on this garbage and call it a day?

"Foursquare is a little bit of everything—a friend-finder, a local city guide, an interactive mobile game," said company cofounder Dennis Crowley, as if reading from the same tired script used by every one of these Web 2.0 or whatever-the-fuck-they're-called startups. "But more than that, Foursquare is an [endless string of meaningless buzzwords we just couldn't bring ourselves to transcribe]."

Added Crowley, "[Who gives a shit]."

According to sources we feel really, really sorry for, Foursquare works by allowing users to "check in" from their present location, whether it be a bar, restaurant, nearby magazine stand, or man, this piece would be perfect to hand over to that schmuck Dan Fletcher at Time magazine right about now.

By "checking in," users can earn tangible, real-world rewards. For instance, the Foursquare user with the most points at any given venue earns the designation of "mayor" and can receive discounts, free food, or other prizes that, quite honestly, we're thoroughly disgusted with ourselves for having actually researched.

In addition, please, kill us already.

As you've no doubt guessed from reading a dozen similar articles in The Washington Post, now's the part of our "trend piece" where we quote an industry expert like Leonard Steinberg, a Boston University communications professor and specialist in his field who remarks in a rather defeated tone that Foursquare represents a revolutionary new way for businesses and customers to interact.

"Through its competitive elements like badges and points, Foursquare helps generate brand loyalty," said the Ph.D.-holding individual, whose decades in higher education were basically shit upon by our inane questions about various bits of Foursquare ephemera. "It's a unique and transformative social networking tool."

"Can I go now?" he added.

Although it recently hit the million-user mark, Foursquare has yet to approach the vast subscriber base of Facebook and Twitter. But that all could change as people become increasingly reliant on the…okay, here, here, let me sum up this whole "news" story for you: Aging, scared newspapermen throw themselves at the latest mobile technology trend in a humiliatingly futile attempt to remain relevant.

And now that you're all caught up, take it away, final miserable paragraph:

The current mayor of her local coffee shop and the young woman we've selected to represent young people everywhere, Jen Galanos, 26, has so far earned a free cappuccino and two hours of Wi-Fi. But while she likes the rewards, she said they're only a fringe benefit of an application that, as we suspected, The New York Times has already creamed its jeans and tripped all over itself in a rush to cover.

Here's the fucking link: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/19/techn ... .html?_r=1.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 01, 2010 5:51 pm 
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White House Jester Beheaded For Making Fun Of Soaring National Debt
May 25, 2010 | ISSUE 46•21

WASHINGTON—After serving 12 years in the position, Motley, the official White House Jester, was beheaded Tuesday after delivering a poorly received jape about the spiraling national debt before President and Mrs. Obama.

"For crimes of great arrogance and cheek, His Idiocy the White House Jester has been sentenced to a swift demise," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said following the death sentence. "Let it be heard over every city and suburb of this land that the National Debt is no topic for frivolity, and the mailed hand of Obama shall smite all offenders."

Motley, who used his last words to beg in vain for Obama's mercy, was executed on the North Lawn at the strike of noon.

Obama, a wit in his own right, warned that any guest who further tested his patience would 'be heading' for trouble.

According to witnesses, the controversial performance took place late Monday evening, when Obama announced that his head was weary following a day of closed-door meetings with Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, and the chief of the White House Avenary. Having retired to the Great Hall, Obama clapped his hands and called for feasting and joviality.

Initial performances by a madrigal group, marionette puppeteers, and Faith Hill proved popular with the First Family, but the festivities reportedly turned sour after Motley was summoned to lighten Obama's spirits.

"At first, Motley did greatly please the President with his cavorting and merrymaking," White House Senior Adviser David Axelrod told reporters. "He recited droll quatrains about the Tea Party movement to much enjoyment. But yea, verily, his impression of [U.S. Secretary of Education] Arne Duncan, with oversized costume teeth, earned the heartiest roars of laughter by far, and perhaps emboldened Motley past the brink of decorum."

Tensions rose when a happily beaming Obama demanded to be riddled. After a string of well-received topical posers, Motley asked the following:

A pocket-hole that grew so large,

A giant couldn't eat it.

A cache of gold that never was,

But nonetheless depleted.

When the President confessed to being stumped, Motley revealed the answer to be "the National Debt, of course."

Witnesses said Obama's mood immediately darkened and, pounding on the arm of the Presidential Throne, he demanded new jesting. After nervously clearing his throat, Motley was heard to ask, "Wherefore is the National Debt like a sprouting leaf of spinach?" When a glowering Obama demanded the answer, Motley stated, "For it shall rapidly grow into something our children cannot bear."

At this, Obama reportedly dropped the large turkey leg in his hand and signaled to nearby Secret Service agents, who seized Motley and dragged him, pleading, to the Executive Dungeon. The President exited the Hall in a fury, and within minutes had drafted an order of execution by beheading.

"The First Executioner completed his task in one true swing," said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, who presided over the assembled crowd of some 20,000 onlookers. "His head has been spitted on a pike and displayed facing E Street as a warning to they who would mock our most precipitously extended federal debt."

In his career, Motley entertained three presidents, capered at five White House Correspondents' Dinners, and hosted a season of Comedy Central's Premium Blend. He is the first sitting White House Jester to be executed since the 1998 drawing and quartering of his predecessor, Dennis Miller, on the National Mall.

Analysts said that while Motley was an eminently skilled wit, he erred in taking on such a sensitive issue, overstepping the satirical authority normally afforded the Office of White House Jester: In fact, the last Jester to survive a debt joke was Harding Administration Jester Chauncey, who spent five days in the stocks by the Reflecting Pool.

Others placed the blame squarely on Obama's famously volatile temper.

"Only a month after murdering the Presidential Physician for telling him to quit smoking and jog more, Obama has again displayed his wrath with bloodshed," Washington Post reporter Brian Halloran said. "He must control himself better if he wants to be remembered with a flattering cognomen at the end of his term."

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 02, 2010 3:52 am 
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:? I don't think it's funny to make fun of jesters :shake:


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 9:12 am 
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-ec ... man,17529/

New Eco-Friendly Cigarettes Kill Destructive Human Beings Over Time
June 1, 2010 | ISSUE 46•22

RICHMOND, VA—Executives at Philip Morris USA this week unveiled Marlboro Earth, a new eco-friendly cigarette that gradually eliminates the causes of global warming and environmental destruction at their source.

"By killing off the No. 1 threat to the environment, new Marlboro Earths will have a long-term effect on the overall health of our planet," Philip Morris spokesperson Janet Weiss said. "If everyone in America does their part and joins our new green-smoking movement, then together we can eradicate man's destructive practices once and for all."

According to a press release from Philip Morris, the new environmentally friendly cigarettes work by employing powerful carcinogens that accumulate in the lungs of smokers, slowly breaking down their vital organs and eliminating the danger posed to the overpopulated planet by the human race.

Because Marlboro Earths take decades to work, the company stresses that people should start using them as early as possible, ideally during childhood or adolescence, in order to maximize the product's effectiveness.

"We've got to get everybody on board, the sooner the better," said Weiss, stressing that nothing less than the fate of the planet was at stake. "It doesn't take much. As few as two packs of Marlboro Earths a day can make all the difference in the world."

"Go ahead," Weiss continued. "Light up, breathe in, and help save Mother Earth."

Although industry research indicates people do offer some secondary benefits to the planet, such as recycling programs and wind power generators, studies have concluded these efforts fail to offset the disastrous potential of humanity.
According to Philip Morris, Marlboro Earths are the first green product to address that threat head-on.

"Wildlife habitat encroachment, climate change, the exploitation of precious natural resources—they can all become a thing of the past," said James Freedman, a member of the marketing team tasked with branding the new product. "Smoke these cool, clean Marlboro Earths every chance you get, and you'll reduce your carbon footprint to zero in no time."

Added Freedman, "Plus, you'll look really sophisticated and glamorous while doing it."

The new cigarettes, released in limited test-market cities over the past two months, will be ready for a national rollout in mid-June. An ad campaign with the slogan "Marlboro Earth: Saving the Environment One Customer at a Time" has already been launched, and the product's iconic new packaging, which is similar to the traditional Marlboro design but also features a tree, is reportedly testing "through the roof" with consumers.

In initial product trials, the eco-cigarettes have proven popular among smokers.
"I leave work three to five times a day to stand outside and help the environment," said longtime smoker Sam Davies, an office worker in Raleigh, NC. "And the best thing about them is they make saving the planet incredibly addictive. After only a few hours, I get the uncontrollable urge to go out and help the environment some more."

Philip Morris executives stressed that the new cigarettes, which contain the same great taste smokers have come to expect from Marlboro, but with nearly three times the tar and carbon monoxide, could make a huge difference in as little as 40 to 50 years, cutting down on urban sprawl, overpopulation, and eventually helping to enrich the soil with powerful fertilizers.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 1:08 pm 
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rafa_garcia18 wrote:
White House Jester Beheaded For Making Fun Of Soaring National Debt
May 25, 2010 | ISSUE 46•21

WASHINGTON—After serving 12 years in the position, Motley, the official White House Jester, was beheaded Tuesday after delivering a poorly received jape about the spiraling national debt before President and Mrs. Obama.

"For crimes of great arrogance and cheek, His Idiocy the White House Jester has been sentenced to a swift demise," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said following the death sentence. "Let it be heard over every city and suburb of this land that the National Debt is no topic for frivolity, and the mailed hand of Obama shall smite all offenders."

Motley, who used his last words to beg in vain for Obama's mercy, was executed on the North Lawn at the strike of noon.

Obama, a wit in his own right, warned that any guest who further tested his patience would 'be heading' for trouble.

According to witnesses, the controversial performance took place late Monday evening, when Obama announced that his head was weary following a day of closed-door meetings with Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, and the chief of the White House Avenary. Having retired to the Great Hall, Obama clapped his hands and called for feasting and joviality.

Initial performances by a madrigal group, marionette puppeteers, and Faith Hill proved popular with the First Family, but the festivities reportedly turned sour after Motley was summoned to lighten Obama's spirits.

"At first, Motley did greatly please the President with his cavorting and merrymaking," White House Senior Adviser David Axelrod told reporters. "He recited droll quatrains about the Tea Party movement to much enjoyment. But yea, verily, his impression of [U.S. Secretary of Education] Arne Duncan, with oversized costume teeth, earned the heartiest roars of laughter by far, and perhaps emboldened Motley past the brink of decorum."

Tensions rose when a happily beaming Obama demanded to be riddled. After a string of well-received topical posers, Motley asked the following:

A pocket-hole that grew so large,

A giant couldn't eat it.

A cache of gold that never was,

But nonetheless depleted.

When the President confessed to being stumped, Motley revealed the answer to be "the National Debt, of course."

Witnesses said Obama's mood immediately darkened and, pounding on the arm of the Presidential Throne, he demanded new jesting. After nervously clearing his throat, Motley was heard to ask, "Wherefore is the National Debt like a sprouting leaf of spinach?" When a glowering Obama demanded the answer, Motley stated, "For it shall rapidly grow into something our children cannot bear."

At this, Obama reportedly dropped the large turkey leg in his hand and signaled to nearby Secret Service agents, who seized Motley and dragged him, pleading, to the Executive Dungeon. The President exited the Hall in a fury, and within minutes had drafted an order of execution by beheading.

"The First Executioner completed his task in one true swing," said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, who presided over the assembled crowd of some 20,000 onlookers. "His head has been spitted on a pike and displayed facing E Street as a warning to they who would mock our most precipitously extended federal debt."

In his career, Motley entertained three presidents, capered at five White House Correspondents' Dinners, and hosted a season of Comedy Central's Premium Blend. He is the first sitting White House Jester to be executed since the 1998 drawing and quartering of his predecessor, Dennis Miller, on the National Mall.

Analysts said that while Motley was an eminently skilled wit, he erred in taking on such a sensitive issue, overstepping the satirical authority normally afforded the Office of White House Jester: In fact, the last Jester to survive a debt joke was Harding Administration Jester Chauncey, who spent five days in the stocks by the Reflecting Pool.

Others placed the blame squarely on Obama's famously volatile temper.

"Only a month after murdering the Presidential Physician for telling him to quit smoking and jog more, Obama has again displayed his wrath with bloodshed," Washington Post reporter Brian Halloran said. "He must control himself better if he wants to be remembered with a flattering cognomen at the end of his term."


that was great

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 1:35 pm 
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glad you enjoyed it lennytheweedwhacker

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 2:11 pm 
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rafa_garcia18 wrote:
glad you enjoyed it lennytheweedwhacker


thank you for posting it, rafa...i plan on reading it again after lunch, and also whenever i'm sad

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 3:09 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 4:41 pm 
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skunkthecat wrote:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-ecofriendly-cigarettes-kill-destructive-human,17529/

New Eco-Friendly Cigarettes Kill Destructive Human Beings Over Time
June 1, 2010 | ISSUE 46•22

RICHMOND, VA—Executives at Philip Morris USA this week unveiled Marlboro Earth, a new eco-friendly cigarette that gradually eliminates the causes of global warming and environmental destruction at their source.

"By killing off the No. 1 threat to the environment, new Marlboro Earths will have a long-term effect on the overall health of our planet," Philip Morris spokesperson Janet Weiss said. "If everyone in America does their part and joins our new green-smoking movement, then together we can eradicate man's destructive practices once and for all."

According to a press release from Philip Morris, the new environmentally friendly cigarettes work by employing powerful carcinogens that accumulate in the lungs of smokers, slowly breaking down their vital organs and eliminating the danger posed to the overpopulated planet by the human race.

Because Marlboro Earths take decades to work, the company stresses that people should start using them as early as possible, ideally during childhood or adolescence, in order to maximize the product's effectiveness.

"We've got to get everybody on board, the sooner the better," said Weiss, stressing that nothing less than the fate of the planet was at stake. "It doesn't take much. As few as two packs of Marlboro Earths a day can make all the difference in the world."

"Go ahead," Weiss continued. "Light up, breathe in, and help save Mother Earth."

Although industry research indicates people do offer some secondary benefits to the planet, such as recycling programs and wind power generators, studies have concluded these efforts fail to offset the disastrous potential of humanity.
According to Philip Morris, Marlboro Earths are the first green product to address that threat head-on.

"Wildlife habitat encroachment, climate change, the exploitation of precious natural resources—they can all become a thing of the past," said James Freedman, a member of the marketing team tasked with branding the new product. "Smoke these cool, clean Marlboro Earths every chance you get, and you'll reduce your carbon footprint to zero in no time."

Added Freedman, "Plus, you'll look really sophisticated and glamorous while doing it."

The new cigarettes, released in limited test-market cities over the past two months, will be ready for a national rollout in mid-June. An ad campaign with the slogan "Marlboro Earth: Saving the Environment One Customer at a Time" has already been launched, and the product's iconic new packaging, which is similar to the traditional Marlboro design but also features a tree, is reportedly testing "through the roof" with consumers.

In initial product trials, the eco-cigarettes have proven popular among smokers.
"I leave work three to five times a day to stand outside and help the environment," said longtime smoker Sam Davies, an office worker in Raleigh, NC. "And the best thing about them is they make saving the planet incredibly addictive. After only a few hours, I get the uncontrollable urge to go out and help the environment some more."

Philip Morris executives stressed that the new cigarettes, which contain the same great taste smokers have come to expect from Marlboro, but with nearly three times the tar and carbon monoxide, could make a huge difference in as little as 40 to 50 years, cutting down on urban sprawl, overpopulation, and eventually helping to enrich the soil with powerful fertilizers.


I like it. :thumbsup:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 7:41 pm 
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Children Of All Ages Delighted By Enslavement Of Topsy The Elephant
June 2, 2010 | ISSUE 46•22

TUCSON, AZ—Cheers, laughter, and applause filled the big top tent at the Ringling Bros. Circus Saturday as children of all ages were captivated by the savage enslavement of Topsy the elephant.

Whether young or just young at heart, thrilled audience members watched with glee as a circus trainer forced the frightened Topsy to perform tricks by brutally poking and prodding the traumatized 4-year-old pachyderm.

"He's such a funny happy elephant," said 8-year-old Madison Helms, referring to the abused creature that spends the majority of his time chained up in a cramped, feces-covered enclosure. "He loves being in the circus!"

The crowd reportedly let out loud gasps and vigorously clapped when Topsy stood up on his hind legs, an unnatural and excruciatingly painful movement that stresses and permanently damages the 8,000-pound elephant's joints.

Topsy also delighted the audience after the trainer repeatedly thrust a hooked rod into his skin, causing the miserable animal to lift one leg and his trunk to simulate waving.

"Aww…" said the assembled circus-goers, who were taken by the cuteness of the barbaric spectacle.

Branden Helger, 9, said Topsy was his favorite performer at Ringling Bros. because the elephant knew how to do neat tricks like pretending to limp. The third-grader also excitedly pointed out the "cool necklace" clamped on the animal's foot.

Topsy and the other elephant performers, who are separated from each other at all times, preventing the socialization that's so crucial to their well-being, received a standing ovation from the crowd when they marched into the center ring, nervously rocking back and forth.

"Look, they're dancing," said 5-year-old Jonah Meeks, mistaking the elephants' constant swaying for something that wasn't a maladaptive behavior caused by serious psychological trauma. "I can dance like an elephant, too. Look at me!"

Unaware that the elephant was terrified of the glaring stage lights, deafening crowd noise, and constant beatings, Phil Wingren, who brought his family to the circus, remarked that Topsy must relish being a star.

"Boy, that Topsy's got it made," Wingren said to his children, referring to the mistreated, severely neglected creature, who is exposed to numerous diseases and receives no medical attention except when dirt is rubbed into his wounds to hide them from the public. "Always in the spotlight and everybody pampering you. That lucky elephant."

"Look, he even has his own ball," continued Wingren, referring to the most hated object in Topsy's life.

Attending the circus with her grandparents, Gretchen Anderson, 4, was delighted by Topsy and by the other pachyderms as well.

"There's his mama," Anderson said of an elephant unrelated to Topsy, who has not seen his parents since being torn away from them shortly after birth, and last nestled up to his mother when he tried to suckle at her corpse shortly after poachers killed her. "They have a big happy family."

Eyewitnesses who spotted the trainer patting the side of Topsy's body during the final trick were convinced the elephant and the man were best friends, though in fact the look of reverie on Topsy's face was the result of his daydreaming about stomping and crushing the cruel asshole's head like an overripe melon

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Sun Jun 06, 2010 7:48 pm 
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Another masterpiece:

http://www.theonion.com/video/pragues-f ... mos,14321/

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Sun Jun 06, 2010 10:41 pm 
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Quote:
Injured Steve Nash Finishes Game With Cotton Stuffed In Eye Socket

Image

http://www.theonion.com/articles/injure ... uff,17438/

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Sun Jun 06, 2010 11:19 pm 
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:haha: :haha:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 07, 2010 3:28 am 
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rafa_garcia18 wrote:
Quote:
Injured Steve Nash Finishes Game With Cotton Stuffed In Eye Socket

Image

http://www.theonion.com/articles/injure ... uff,17438/


:thumbsup:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
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Mytron The Fifth, Illuminati Ruler And Secret Overlord Of All Humanity, Dead At 112
March 9, 2010 | ISSUE 46•10

2,000 MILES BENEATH BAVARIA, GERMANY—Mytron the Fifth, Illuminati ruler and secret mastermind of the entire human race since the year 8449 on the world's true calendar, died yesterday in his subterranean bedchamber. He was 112. Mytron, who assumed clandestine dominion of the planet upon the sudden withering of Hemmonphanes the Ancient, was perhaps best known for engineering more than 200 wars, economic catastrophes, and famines, and for having psychokinetic control over the inner thoughts of every man, woman, and child on earth. "He'll be missed," said a longtime friend and Roman Catholic archbishop who declined to be identified. Mytron is survived by 251 offspring, primarily from his human wives.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 18, 2010 6:26 pm 
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this one's unfashionably late, but still a fun read

http://www.theonion.com/articles/south- ... soc,17625/

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South African Vuvuzela Philharmonic Angered By Soccer Games Breaking Out During Concerts
June 17, 2010 | ISSUE 46•24


JOHANNESBURG—Members of the South Africa Vuvuzela Philharmonic Orchestra, widely considered to be among the best large-scale monotonic wind instrument ensembles in the world, told reporters Friday they were furious over the recent outbreaks of international soccer matches during their traditional outdoor concerts.

"I cannot imagine what is getting into these football teams that they would suddenly begin full-scale international competition just when we are beginning our 2010 concert series," said Dr. Stefan Coetzee, the Philharmonic's program and concert director. "It is disrespectful to the performers, it is disrespectful to the music itself, and by extension, it is disrespectful to the great nation of South Africa."

Spontaneous high-caliber soccer games have thus far plagued every orchestral vuvuzela performance of the season, which opened June 11 at Cape Town Stadium. As musicians took their places in the stands and began warming up for the evening's performance of lighter pieces by post-minimalist composers, they noticed the audience was not sitting in its traditional place in the stadium's central area.

As the Philharmonic learned later, its only spectators were the national football sides of France and Uruguay, who played to a 0-0 tie as the frustrated vuvuzela virtuosi played a full program of concerti written for the distinctive straight plastic horn.

"A virtually empty house is highly unusual in a vuvuzela-mad nation such as South Africa," said first-chair vuvuzela player Moses Mtegume, who is known as the "Father of the Vuvuzela" and considered a national treasure. "And because concerts are held in the round—the better to appreciate the sonorous tonality of the massed instruments—a performer gets a sense of the crowd early."

"It doesn't even seem like these football players are paying attention to us," Mtegume added. "In fact, I would go so far as to say they are trying to ignore us."

The following days, during which a string of large-scale vuvuzela performances were held, saw the unusual events repeat in Johnnesburg, Durban, Pretoria, and Port Elizabeth as audience after audience was driven away by FIFA national football teams. As a result, the South Africa Vuvzela Philharmonic, which is supported solely by money from ticket sales, has suffered staggering losses financially. And the musicians, many of whom trained for years and underwent a harrowing audition process to earn one of the orchestra's 50,000 seats, said the biggest blow was to their professional pride.

"Do you know how difficult it is to get everyone situated, tuned, and focused for a vuvuzela concert?" said Julliard-trained vuvuzelist Donald Frederick Gordon, a noted soloist and renowned performer whose boyhood dream of playing vuvuzela in every stadium in South Africa is now at risk. "These brash, inconsiderate outbursts of impromptu athletics have made us a laughingstock of the international music community. We have already had cancellations from the Vienna Boy's Choir and guest director Seiji Ozawa, who no doubt fear for their reputation should the Philharmonic continue to be mocked by these incongruous sportsmen."

In order to save its concert season, the orchestra has scheduled a special benefit concert for July 11 at Johannesburg's Soccer City Stadium. The orchestra will be accompanied by 8,000 special guest vuvuzela players from Ghana and the Ivory Coast, and the concert program will include the debut of new single-tone compositions by Philip Glass, Arvo Pärt, and vuvuzela fan Mark Mothersbaugh.

The musicians said they are thrilled to be performing in the nation's most prominent stadium, which is capable of holding up to 12,500 standing concertgoers in its grassy central section.

"This will be a vuvuzela tour de force the likes of which the world has never seen," Dr. Coetzee said. "We are very close to an agreement with Placido Domingo, who we're confident will show us how the greatest living tenor sings the B-flat-below-middle-C that makes the vuvuzela so magical. It will truly be a night for the ages, with, we hope, no sign of football rivals battling it out for global supremacy where the audience should be."

"We've already sold a couple dozen tickets to people in Brazil and Argentina," Dr. Coetzee added. "Mark my words, on July 11, the eyes and ears of the world will be on South Africa."

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 18, 2010 6:56 pm 
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rafa_garcia18 wrote:
this one's unfashionably late, but still a fun read

http://www.theonion.com/articles/south- ... soc,17625/

Quote:
South African Vuvuzela Philharmonic Angered By Soccer Games Breaking Out During Concerts
June 17, 2010 | ISSUE 46•24



http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=134628129887183

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