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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 28, 2010 2:18 pm 
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http://www.theonion.com/content/video/o ... cales_back


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:05 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:06 pm 
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:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:07 pm 
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you can tell he's really crippled because his legs are flat and skinny


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:09 pm 
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Doug RR wrote:
you can tell he's really crippled because his legs are flat and skinny

That's in poor taste, Doug.

Spoiler: show
:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:09 pm 
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and that makes it funnier

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:10 pm 
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damn you for ruining my post thdks

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:11 pm 
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I find wheelchair jokes harmless..


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:24 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:44 pm 
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Doug RR wrote:
I find wheelchair jokes harmless..

I find they just roll off the tongue.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 4:57 am 
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WSJ headline:
Quote:
First Lady to Fight Childhood Obesity


I feel like this could make a hilarious onion article.

"First Lady realizes that fatties aren't appreciated in bed and she's doing her part to keep the junk out of the trunk."

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 19, 2010 8:19 pm 
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Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex
February 19, 2010 | Issue 46•07 Onion Sports
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PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex.

"Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been tough on me," Woods said. "I've missed it. I love fucking with all my heart."

Woods said that during his brief time away from sex, he couldn't stop thinking about one day resuming his daily regimen of sexual intercourse with random women who look vaguely like his wife, only skankier.

"When I am out there having sex, I am in complete control," said Woods, an acknowledged master of the long game who claims he is only truly at peace when he is between the legs of a woman. "It's just me and my thoughts. And a high-end escort. And the lounge dancer. And sometimes [caddie] Stevie. And probably some stewardess I just met."

"I'm so into it that I usually just block out all the cameras," Woods added.
Saying that fucking is his "calling and [his] one true passion," Woods spoke of how he has always adored the sight of a neatly trimmed mound, the smell of fresh stank early in the morning when the labia glisten with dewy juices, and the feel of a perfect impact with a woman's vagina.

"That sensation just flows right up the shaft, through my hands, and quavers up and down my spine," Woods said. "Ever since I was 16, I've loved that feeling. It's like new every time."

"To be honest, I'd do this for free," Woods added. "I'm the luckiest guy in the world."

During his announcement, Woods released an aggressive touring schedule that reaffirmed his commitment to sex. He is slated to take part in a three-day lovemaking session in March at the Clarion Hotel in Orlando, and confirmed that he would join a foursome at the Doral Resort and Spa in Miami as a tune-up for his first major fuckfest in Augusta, GA.

In addition, Woods said he will not renege on his annual stop in Dubai, and said he looked forward to boning a prostitute on the roof of this year's venue, the Burj Al Arab Hotel.

The 34-year-old sexual superstar said he is "far from satisfied" by his previous erotic achievements and that he expects to return to sex even stronger than before. However, Woods admitted he may not be in top form at first.

"I'll probably be a little rusty," Woods said. "But once I swing the old cock around a few times and get it in the first couple holes, I'm confident that I'll still be able to drive it as deep as I always have."

"There will be times when I get into some thick muff, and I'll have to set my jaw and hack my way through it," Woods continued. "Just keep my head down and hit that with all the force I can muster. I welcome the challenge."

Woods believes that his long game, which relies on innate strength and stamina, has probably suffered the least from his hiatus, but that his finesse, iron control, and deft touch around the hole are aspects of his game that may be slow to come back.

"I just have to take my time, visualize the line, and read the grain and the slope of the vulva correctly," Woods said. "It's really all mental at that point."

Reaction to Woods' announcement has been generally positive. Many of his closest friends, including Mark O'Mera, said that Woods' return would undoubtedly be great for sex, and that, selfishly, he loves to watch Woods out there doing his thing.

Woods' fans have also been supportive.

"I'm so glad Tiger is coming back," said 27-year-old Florida resident and cocktail waitress Brandi Hughes. "He's the best."

Woods concluded his press conference by saying that he is looking forward to chasing Jack Nicklaus' record of fucking 18 major babes at one time.


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 19, 2010 8:35 pm 
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Pitch perfect. :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 12:23 am 
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:lol: :lol: :lol:

Brilliant!


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:50 pm 
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U.S. Government To Save Billions By Cutting Wasteful Senator Program

http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-gov ... ful,17171/


WASHINGTON—In an effort to reduce wasteful spending and eliminate non-vital federal services, the U.S. government announced plans this week to cut its long-standing senator program, a move it says will help save more than $300 billion each year.

According to officials, the decision to cut the national legislative body was reached during a budget review meeting on Tuesday. After hours of deliberation, it was agreed that the cost of financing U.S. senators far outweighed the benefits they provided.

"Now more than ever, we must eliminate needless spending wherever possible," President Obama said at a press conference Wednesday. "When we sat down to go over our annual budget, we asked ourselves, where can we safely trim back? What programs can we do away with without negatively impacting the American people? Which bloated and ineffective institutions can we no longer justify having around?"

"The answer was obvious," Obama added. "The U.S. Senate just needed to go."

Established in 1789 as a means of overseeing the passage of bills into law, the once-promising senator program has reportedly failed to contribute to the governing of the nation in any significant way since 1964. Last year alone, approximately $450 billion was funneled into the legislative chamber, an amount deemed fiscally unsound considering how few citizens actually benefit in any way from its existence.

Four of the 100 obsolete employees in the senate program.

In fact, the program has gone unchecked for so long that many in Washington are now unable to recall what purpose U.S. senators were originally meant to serve.

"I'm sure when it was first introduced the U.S. Senate seemed like a worthwhile public service that would aid vast segments of the population and play an important role in the years to come," said Sheila McKenzie, president of the watchdog group the American Center for Responsible Government. "But in reality, this program has been a complete and utter failure."

"It simply doesn't work," she added. "We've been pouring taxpayer dollars into this outdated relic for far too long."

An analysis conducted last week revealed a number of troubling flaws within the long-running, heavily subsidized program, including a lack of consistent oversight, no clear objectives or goals, the persistent hiring of unqualified and selfishly motivated individuals, and a 100 percent redundancy rate among its employees.

Moreover, the study found that the U.S. government already funds a fully operational legislative body that appears to do the exact same job as the Senate, but which also provides a fair and proportional representation of the nation's citizens and has rules in place to prevent one individual from holding the operations of the entire chamber hostage until he is guaranteed massive federal spending projects for his home state of Alabama.

Not only have U.S. Senators cost the country billions of dollars in misspent funds over the years, but Washington insiders claim they have also derailed a wide range of other government programs, from social welfare to job creation to environmental protection.

"Even just the space the Senate currently occupies could be put to better use," consumer advocate Michael Dodgerson said. "Were the government to open a day-care center, a homeless shelter, or even an affordable restaurant in that building, it would make more of a difference in the lives of everyday Americans than what's there now."

So far, reaction to the cutback has been overwhelming positive, with many across the country calling it a long-awaited step toward progress.

Still, a small pocket of the nation's populace vehemently disagreed with Tuesday's decision.

"This is outrageous," said Joe Lieberman, a Connecticut-area resident and concerned citizen who makes more than $150,000 a year, enjoys full health care benefits, and lives comfortably in a large, non-foreclosed home. "The U.S. Senate has always looked out for my best interests. It's always done right by me."

Added Lieberman, "Without it, I'll have no choice but to exploit my extensive connections in the real estate, legal, insurance, and pharmaceutical industries to obtain strictly honorary positions at large companies that, in exchange for my subservience over the years and the prestige of my name, will compensate me generously and allow me to continue living a privileged life without contributing even a moment of my time to the society that has made it all possible."


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 8:37 pm 
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:lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 26, 2010 3:07 pm 
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a personal favorite...


http://www.theonion.com/articles/world- ... ad%2C2381/

Quote:
World Leaders Gather To Roast Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
February 5, 2008 | ISSUE 44•06

GENEVA—In what observers are calling an unprecedented opportunity for the international community to express its grievances against Iran's controversial leader, dozens of world leaders and key U.N. delegates gathered Saturday to roast Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Musharraf, Gottfried, and Putin, left, zing Ahmadinejad, above.

The event, which took place beneath U.N. headquarters in the historic Geneva Friars Club, brought together the heads of every G8 member state, as well as some of today's top foreign policy makers and peace brokers. Roastmaster and former U.N. secretary general Kofi Annan kicked off the evening by welcoming President Ahmadinejad to "what [was] sure to be the first and last time Mahmoud would ever be surrounded by 72 virgins."

"Ladies and gentlemen, and Tony Blair, we stand here in the presence of one of the most vicious and destructive forces in the world today—but enough about Bea Arthur," said Annan, gesturing with a tumbler of Makers Mark across the long white tables of chuckling diplomats to the former Golden Girls star. "Some people here tonight will tell you that Mahmoud refuses to engage in diplomatic talks, that he is the most ruthless stonewaller who has ever lived. Well, those people have obviously never met my first wife."

The black-tie affair brought together representatives from warring nations and longtime enemies who sat in the hallowed, oak-walled dining room and patiently awaited their turn to lambaste Ahmadinejad. Some of the evening's most pressing topics included the Iranian president's insistence on developing a nuclear program, his possible involvement in the 1989 assassination of an exiled Kurdish leader, and his excessive body hair.

"You know, a lot of folks have been criticizing Ahmadinejad for covering up one of the most horrifying and unspeakable crimes ever perpetrated on humankind," Russian president Vladimir Putin told the assembled guests. "But don't you listen to them, Mahmoud. I happen to like your beard."

Ahmadinejad, seated in a plush red armchair just to the right of the podium, seemed in high spirits as he calmly endured countless ribs from his allies and fellow arms-race competitors. Rolling his eyes and shaking his finger in mock disapproval, he was taken to task for everything from his brutal treatment of political dissidents to his recent visit to Columbia University.

"Mahmoud—now this is true—said that there are no homosexuals in Iran," roaster and Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf said, "and I for one believe him. After all, if a cock-hound like Mammers can't find a single puckered asshole in all of Persia to slap his balls against, then what's the use of any of us trying?"

Musharraf went on to update the group on the status of Ahmadinejad's mouth, opening the floor to debate on whether or not it has sheltered a greater number of fundamentalist Muslim dicks than the Sudan.

Also speaking at the event were Syrian president Bashar al-Assad, Japanese prime minister Yasuo Fukuda, and longtime foreign policy adviser and roast favorite Henry Kissinger, who spent the majority of his speech making sexual overtures to French president Nicolas Sarkozy's bride, model Carla Bruni. Although Bruni was seated in the audience, Kissinger politely offered her a seat on his face so he could get a better look at the only place a French leader has successfully invaded since Lombardy.

But a surprise visit from Israeli president Shimon Peres may have been the most popular act of the evening.

"On the way here tonight, someone told me that Mahmoud was a Shi'a," said Peres, placing one hand on Ahmadinejad's shoulder. "At first I thought they were saying 'He's a shit,' because the two sound so similar. But there's a big difference: One's a brown, foul-smelling tube of solid waste—and the other comes out of my asshole."

Peres then addressed Ahmadinejad's well-known denial of the Holocaust and his recent statements that Israel and all Jewish people should be "wiped off the map." Taking a long pull from his cigar and adjusting his shirt cuffs, Peres concluded that, in all likelihood, the president of Iran has fucked more Jews than Sarah Silverman.

Next up was President George W. Bush, who began his remarks by pulling a small piece of what he claimed was plutonium from behind Ahmadinejad's ear. Bush then told him that this was only the first of two bombings he would witness an American president perform this year.

"What the hell is with that last name, anyway?" Bush said. "Ahmadinejad? Ahmendinifragelisticexpialidocious? I can't even pronounce it, let alone write it on a top-secret Black Ops memo."

As the night drew to a close, Ahmadinejad took the podium and thanked the many world leaders who came together to honor him.

"It warms my heart to see all of you here tonight," Ahmadinejad said to boisterous applause. "I know some of you have been worried that I may be developing a nuclear program to use against you, but I would like to take this opportunity to assure everyone that its sole, peaceful purpose is to provide the Iranian people with energy."

Added Ahmadinijad, "We're gonna need all the electricity we can get when we nuke you fuckers back into the Stone Age, you blood-sucking infidels. Good night, everybody!"

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 27, 2010 2:38 am 
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:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Mon May 10, 2010 6:51 pm 
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Exhausted Noam Chomsky Just Going To Try And Enjoy The Day For Once
May 10, 2010 | ISSUE 46•19

LEXINGTON, MA—Describing himself as "terribly exhausted," famed linguist and political dissident Noam Chomsky said Monday that he was taking a break from combating the hegemony of the American imperialist machine to try and take it easy for once.

"I just want to lie in a hammock and have a nice relaxing morning," said the outspoken anarcho-syndicalist academic, who first came to public attention with his breakthrough 1957 book Syntactic Structures. "The systems of control designed to manufacture consent among a largely ignorant public will still be there for me to worry about tomorrow. Today, I'm just going to kick back and enjoy some much-needed Noam Time."

"No fighting against institutional racism, no exposing the legacies of colonialist ideologies still persistent today, no standing up to the widespread dissemination of misinformation and state-sanctioned propaganda," Chomsky added. "Just a nice, cool breeze through an open window on a warm spring day."

Sources reported that the 81-year-old Chomsky, a vociferous, longtime critic of U.S. foreign policy and the political economy of the mass media, was planning to use Monday to tidy up around the house a bit, take a leisurely walk in the park, and possibly attend an afternoon showing of Date Night at the local megaplex.

Sitting down to a nice oatmeal breakfast, Chomsky picked up a copy of Time, a deceitful, pro-corporate publication that he said would normally infuriate him.

"Yes, this magazine may be nothing more than a subtle media tool intended to obfuscate the government's violent agenda with comforting bromides, but I'm not going to let that get under my skin," Chomsky said. "I mean, why should I? It's absolutely beautiful outside. I should just go and enjoy myself and not think about any of this stuff."

Added Chomsky, glancing back over at the periodical, "Even if it is just another way in which individuals are methodically fed untruths that slowly shape their perceptions of reality, dulling their ability to challenge and defy a government bent on carrying out its own selfish and destructive—no, no Noam, not today, none of that today."

According to sources close to the thinker, Chomsky also considered taking time to "plop down on the couch in [his] boxers and watch TV," but grew suddenly enraged when The Price Is Right came on, commodifying the lie of American consumer satisfaction in a pseudo- entertainment context.

"Just change the channel, just relax and switch to something that isn't mindless pabulum for the masses," said Chomsky, reaching for the remote control. "No need to get furious."

Chomsky, who often defines himself as a libertarian socialist, then changed the channel to ESPN, taking a moment to acknowledge the role of professional sports as a "weapon of mass distraction," keeping the American people occupied with trivial competitions so they do not focus on opposing the status quo with grassroots movements against foreign and domestic policies that ultimately harm them.

"Stupid NBA playoffs," Chomsky said. "At least it's better than that NCAA March Madness crap. A university is supposed to be a center of learning that questions the state's crafted messaging, not an entertainment factory."

Sources said Chomsky took what was supposed to be a refreshing drive in the countryside, only to find himself obsessing over the role petroleum plays in the economic and military policies that collude with multinational corporate powers.

After stopping at a roadside McDonald's, Chomsky was unable to enjoy the Big Mac he purchased, due to the popular restaurant chain's participation in selling "a bill of goods" to the American people, who consume the unhealthy fast food and thereby bolster the capitalist system rather than buying from local farmers in order to equalize the distribution of wealth and eat more nutritiously.

Chomsky also found the burger to be too salty.

"All right, all right," the noted critic and philosopher said, "I'm going back home, writing one—just one—reasoned, scathing essay, and getting it out of my system. But then I'm definitely going back to the park to walk around and just enjoy the nice weather. I'm serious."

"Because there's got to be more to life than the way that wage slavery strips the individual of his or her inherent dignity and personal integrity," Chomsky continued. "Right?"


http://www.theonion.com/articles/exhaus ... joy,17404/

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chud wrote:
Posting! Glorious Posting!

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iPones, man. Fuck.


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Tue May 11, 2010 10:35 pm 
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:haha: i was just gonna post that.

well, watch this then

http://www.theonion.com/video/semiliter ... abl,17408/

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