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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:09 pm 
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alot of $$$
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omg

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 11:37 pm 
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hahahaha, that one's sick

(i know, if there was a hell i'd be there by now)

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 2:08 am 
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i got a lot of shit emailing that to my friends

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 2:42 am 
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your friends suck then.

And im quite sure that any parent in that situation has tried to imagine the kid being normal, its a normal wish.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 5:28 am 
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http://www.theonion.com/content/news/su ... rns_bush_v

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 9:07 pm 
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punkdavid wrote:
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/supreme_court_overturns_bush_v

:haha:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 08, 2009 6:23 pm 
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an oldie, but a goodie.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30047

Quote:
Palestine Appoints New Minister Of Rubble And Urban Development

RAMALLAH, WEST BANK—After weeks of political infighting, Palestinian Prime Minister Ahmed Qureia announced the appointment of Hassan Al-Katif as the region's new Minister of Rubble and Urban Development Tuesday.

"It is a great honor for me to name a man as experienced as Mr. Al-Katif to this post," Qureia said at a press conference held on top of a pile of rocks that was formerly a local mosque. "Palestine is in need of a strong leader to spark growth in urban areas and manage our burgeoning rubble sector, which is the fastest growing in the world."

The appointment came after several weeks of discord between Qureia and Palestinian leader Yassir Arafat over who should replace the region's 30-day emergency rubble minister. Al-Katif was strongly backed by Arafat.

"Having worked in the private sector as a rubble developer and organizer, Mr. Al-Katif understands Palestine's rubble situation," Arafat said. "He has a strong plan that charts a path to capitalization on our vast and ever-increasing supply of rock fragments and crumbled masonry."

Continued Arafat: "Palestinians need a man of Mr. Al-Katif's unequaled vision. In the coming years, he will oversee the construction of many wonderful new schools, courthouses, banks, and monuments. He will then truck away the remains of those buildings and monuments when they're reduced to gravel and dust."

Arafat said Al-Katif has great plans for "the West Bank's most abundant resource."

"We have chosen a man who not only accepts the reality of continued rubble creation for the foreseeable future, but also embraces it," Arafat said. "I see the Palestinian people forever rich in rubble. We must utilize our extensive rubble resources to rebuild and re-rebuild Palestine."

Al-Katif took the podium and briefly outlined his plans for the region.

"The ministry will provide universal access to potable water, electric and sewage-treatment facilities, and adequate housing," Al-Katif said. "We will also move many huge piles of brick, garbage, dirt, and broken glass."

Al-Katif then took a moment to memorialize Amir Al-Lozari, the former RUD Minister. Al-Lozari was killed in what Israeli occupation forces characterized as an "accidental burst of gunfire," while surveying a new rubble development on the former site of the 1,400-year-old Abu Al-Sharim library.

"Amir was more than a boss to me—he was a friend," Al-Katif said. "He was a visionary, an important contributor to rubble theory, and a brilliant pragmatist when it came to the urban development of Palestinian lands. We will miss Amir, but we will remember him by continuing the great work he started."

Al-Katif responded to a reporter who suggested that his plan focused more on rubble than on urban development.

"These are two sides of the same coin," Al-Katif said. "Today's development is tomorrow's pile of rubble, and today's pile of rubble is tomorrow's makeshift shelter for a displaced family. It is all part of the same cycle."

Some have expressed reservations about Al-Katif's appointment, citing his early career as a building owner and landlord as a possible conflict of interest.

"Hassan Al-Katif owns, or has a financial interest in, more than 20 separate piles of rubble," said community organizer Saadiqa Muhammad. "Can we expect him to make impartial judgments about zoning and public-rubble works, given that he has a personal stake in rubble sites all over the region?"

Al-Katif insisted that his interests lie with the people.

"For too long, rubble has been viewed as the sole property of the government," Al-Katif said. "RUD needs to make affordable rubble available to all, and to provide the economic incentive for personal and private development of Palestine's many massive piles of rocks and debris. The opportunity is there, if someone takes the initiative and stacks the rubble neatly."

One of Al-Katif's first initiatives will be aimed at a segment of the population often ignored by RUD: the youth.

"In spite of tough economic times, more and more young people are becoming rubble-owners. Take, for example, 16-year-old Dinuk Wijurnai, who recently returned to his neighborhood and found himself sole owner of the pile of rubble that was once his family home," Al-Katif said. "The future of this country is in the hands, and under the feet, of children like Dinuk."

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 08, 2009 6:57 pm 
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hahaha, genius

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 10:32 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 2:27 pm 
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Powerful Rest And Fluids Industry Influencing Doctors' Treatment Of Colds

A two-year investigation conducted in five major cities has exposed a widespread campaign by the formidable Rest and Fluids industry to infiltrate thousands of doctors' offices and dictate how they treat minor illnesses.

The investigation—the full details of which will be disclosed in this newspaper over the coming months—documented thousands of instances in which sick patients were repeatedly instructed, often verbatim, to "lie down and drink plenty of liquids." This treatment, recommended a staggering 4 out of 5 times on average, was in each case prescribed by a physician known to have recently enjoyed a golf vacation courtesy of Big Rest and Fluids.

"You have no idea how deep this goes," said Dr. X, a physician who wished to remain anonymous. "They've got everyone, from the pediatricians and family doctors, right on down to the school nurses. We've had the cure for the common cold for nearly 40 years, but it's still 'rest and fluids, rest and fluids.' Why? Because these guys are getting paid through the nose, that's why."

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 01, 2009 9:56 pm 
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Francis Scott Key To Sing National Anthem At Super Bowl XLIII

TAMPA BAY, FL—In his first public appearance since his death in 1843, attorney, author, and poet Francis Scott Key announced Wednesday that he would sing "The Star Spangled Banner," which he himself originally penned nearly 200 years ago as the poem "The Defence Of Fort McHenry," prior to Super Bowl XLIII. "I plan to sing it in its entirety with all four stanzas, and to the tune of the British drinking ditty 'The Anacreontic Song,'" Key said as gobbets of desiccated flesh and hanks of hair periodically fell from his yellowed skull. "Thank you, kind sirs, for inviting me to your Superb [sic] Bowl. I relish the opportunity to once again read my work to the worthy landowning men of this great nation." Key attempted to amuse the press by vowing not to muddle up the lyrics, as he had done in a very embarrassing moment before a lawn-bowls match in 1829.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 01, 2009 9:58 pm 
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http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/laid_off_pittsburgh_mill

Laid-Off Pittsburgh Mill Worker To Put Off Suicide Until After Super Bowl

PITTSBURGH—Recently laid-off steelworker and football fan Marcus Aniello announced that he would postpone his impending suicide attempt until after the Steelers take on the Arizona Cardinals in Super Bowl XLIII. "I was going to spare myself the shame of coming home to my family every day and telling them I still hadn't found a job, but I kinda wanna see what Big Ben [Roethlisberger] can do against that sorry excuse for a defense," Aniello said on a recent trip to the gun shop. "Normally I would have thrown myself in the blast furnace the day I got laid off, but the Steelers had clinched the AFC North the day before, and then I watched them beat the Ravens from the top of the Fort Duquesne Bridge, and here we are. Their logo being the same as the American Iron and Steel Institute's kind of makes me want to cry a little every time I see it, and if they lose.... Well, you know." Should the Steelers win, Aniello plans to attend the victory parade and swallow a bottle of sleeping pills during the Pirates' Opening Day game.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 8:26 pm 
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Polamaluesque Puppy Dominates Puppy Bowl
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SILVER SPRING, MD—His long black hair flowing behind him as he threw himself around, across, and over the field at Animal Planet Stadium in his trademark reckless, acrobatic style, 9-week-old puli Troy Pupamalu dominated Puppy Bowl V Sunday by relentlessly hurling his body into squeaky-ball carriers and punishing adorable downfield retrievers with torrents of blindside licks.
At the conclusion of the two-hour contest, which was won by everybody for the fifth straight year, Puppy Bowl organizers honored Pupamalu with the Most Valuable Puppy award for causing five fumbles, recovering three lost plush footballs, and returning a bouncy hedgehog toy for an 80-yard touchdown. Long known for his physical play, Pupamalu was fearless in his pursuit of intimidating pit bull mixes, larger and fluffier dogs, and his own tail.
"There are not many puppies who can come into such a pressure-filled environment and make an immediate impact on every playful interaction," said Harry Kalas, Puppy Bowl play-by-play announcer and NFL Films narrator. "Pupamalu may seem out of control when he risks injury by leaping over the dog pile, but then he'll execute a textbook tackle by staying low and wrapping up the hind legs."
"You don't find a mix of talent and heart like this very often," Kalas added. "He is such a good puppy. Isn't he? Isn't he? Yes, he is a very good doggie."
In the opening minute of the game, Pupamalu was credited with making a critical stop when he delivered a crushing blow to Candy Apple after relying on his instincts to sniff out the running play and the Weimaraner's butt. Pupamalu's hit dislodged the ball, which he scooped up before he rumbled down the field, breaking numerous halfhearted jaw tackles before being rambunctiously nuzzled out of bounds at the 10-yard line.
Pupamalu was an eagerly disruptive force throughout the game as he provided the cutest little coverage against the dog-in-motion you ever saw. The puppy was also incredibly disciplined about coming when he was called, consistently maintaining gap control to limit the success of the wildcat formation. The spirited canine had 16 rollicking tackles for a loss, tipped two water bowls, and held the offense to under 300 yards of passing.
Despite often being associated with his wild long hair, sources close to Pupamalu say that he is actually a very quiet individual on and off the field.
"Just look into those big brown eyes and you can see that Troy is an incredibly thoughtful little guy," said Kyle Jasperson, a trainer at Southern California obedience school. "But he's a rascal, too. Whether he's rolling around on his back or chewing on the floppy ear of a German shepherd, the intense friskiness of his play does all the barking."
While Pupamalu adeptly defended against short-, medium-, and long-haired puppies, the young canine was too enthusiastic at times, forcing Animal Planet referee Andrew Schechter to call him for unnecessary ruff!-ness and illegal paws to the face, penalties enforced during the ensuing lickoff. Pupamalu was also initially given a Puppy Foul for expelling feces in the end zone; however, after the referee called a "Time Oust" to dispose of the waste matter, the instant replay clearly showed that quarter-hound-dog Buster was at fault for the offense.
Pupamalu came under intense scrutiny on Tuesday, partially for being adorable but also because a report in the The Daily Rover rubber-newspaper toy alleged that the dog had attempted to conduct an illicit relationship with a prominent member of the Bissell halftime kitty-cheerleading squad, and claimed to have photographic proof of the couple frolicking together. As of press time, Pupamalu's agent had blamed the outcry on the "over-emotionalism and blatant anthropomorphism of cat people." Pupamalu himself has refused to comment on the accusations

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2009 3:31 pm 
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General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win AirbagsNovember 5, 1996 | Issue 30•13


Image

DETROIT—With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.

The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars.

"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."

Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.

"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it—I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"

"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets—even if it kills me!"

Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.
GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?"

Image
Hartford, CT, resident Jonathan Ryerson was killed Sunday when his 1997 Pontiac LeMans hit a freight train. Ryerson won $50 in the accident.



Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.
According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place—approximately 1 in 720,000—the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."

Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2009 4:16 pm 
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:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2009 12:01 am 
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My all-time fave:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930


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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2009 3:52 am 
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Nation's Blacks Creeped Out By All The People Smiling At Them

February 16, 2009 | Issue 45•08

WASHINGTON—A majority of African-Americans surveyed in a nationwide poll this week reported feeling "deeply disturbed" and "more than a little weirded out" by all the white people now smiling at them.

Image

Black citizens have reported a disturbing 350 percent increase in interracial high-fiving since January 20.

First witnessed shortly after President Obama's historic victory, the open and cheerful smiling has only continued in recent months, leaving members of the black community completely unnerved.

"On behalf of black people across this nation, I would like to say to our white brethren, 'Please stop looking at us like that,'" said Brown University psychology professor Dr. Stanley Carsons. "We're excited Barack is president, too, and we're glad you're happy for us. But giving us the thumbs up for no reason, or saying hello whenever we walk by, is really starting to freak us out."

Added Carsons, "We just want to be able to stand in line at Home Depot without getting patted on the back."

According to the poll, more than 92 percent of African-Americans have noticed a dramatic increase in the number of beaming Caucasians in their vicinity, as well as a marked rise in the instances of white people making direct eye contact with them on the bus, engaging them in pleasant conversation, and warmly gazing in their general direction with a mix of wonder, pride, and profound contentment. All respondents reported being "petrified" by the change.

Image

"Yesterday, I'm pretty sure the cashier at the Giant Eagle winked at me," said Eddie Wilkes, a Pittsburgh resident who described himself as "not a politics person." "Then she said something about what a happy day it was and tried to bump fists. The whole thing gave me the willies."

"I can't even be at a bar anymore if they have the news on," said Chicago native and small business consultant Jarell Brown. "Obama gives a speech on the economy and people act like my team just won the Super Bowl. I didn't even vote for the guy. I'm a Libertarian."

Although poll respondents said that the regularity of jovial white strangers greeting them in elevators has risen approximately 450 percent since mid-January, the incidents are reportedly nowhere near as frequent as they were on Nov. 4, 2008. On that day, the country was temporarily seized by an epidemic of unsolicited white-on-black hugging.

In an attempt to return the nation's interracial interactions to their preinauguration level of stilted awkwardness, the NAACP and the ACLU released a joint statement Monday addressing the issue. In the four-page address, the activist groups call for normalcy and urge the nation's whites to immediately desist creeping everybody out with all the nodding and warmth and raised eyebrows.

"If you could all stop acting like you're generally pleased to see black people walking around, out in the open, that would be better for all of us," NAACP president Benjamin Jealous said to a smiling and misty-eyed press corps that was "just thrilled" to have him there. "It's very kind of you to be so enthusiastic about our achievements, but if it's still on the table, we'd like to return to the times when your reactions varied between unfounded apprehension and complete indifference. To be honest, you people are kind of terrifying when you're happy."

Added Jealous, "Oh, and please stop e-mailing us that picture of Jesse Jackson crying. We've seen it."

While experts couldn't predict how long this unsettling new trend would continue, at least one citizen, who wished to remain anonymous, said he had given up hope of ever feeling comfortable around white people again.

"Everywhere I go, there they are: offering me pancakes, laughing at all my jokes, even bursting into tears when they see me," said the Washington, D.C. resident and father of two. "I know you mean well and all, but seriously, knock it off. You're giving my children nightmares."

As of press time, the nation's Arab-Americans have reported no discernible change in all the angry, reflexive scowling.

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 18, 2009 12:05 pm 
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that one was awesome

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 3:34 pm 
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i love this one...


Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up NewbornsAugust 15, 2008 | Issue 44•33


Image


NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—After decades of coddling young children, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new "Nothing But Tears" shampoo this week, an aggressive bath-time product the company says will help to prepare meek and fragile newborns for the real world.

A radical departure for the health goods manufacturer, the new shampoo features an all-alcohol-based formula, has never once been approved by leading dermatologists, and is as gentle on a baby's skin as "having to grow up and fend for your goddamn self."

"We at Johnson & Johnson have been making bath time a safe and soothing experience for far too long," company CEO William C. Weldon said. "Years of pampering have left our newborns helpless, feeble, and ill-equipped for the arduous road ahead."

"It's time our children got the wake-up call that's been coming to them," Weldon continued. "It's time they cried their precious little eyes out."

The result of five years of intensive research and market testing, the company's "Nothing But Tears" shampoo contains only the most abrasive of natural ingredients and is nearly impossible to rinse from a baby's screaming face. According to directions printed on the label, the bath-time product is best used with scalding hot water for optimal toughening-up of newborns.

Available in an easy-to-find-and-open bottle, the new shampoo is also guaranteed to give children a "healthy dose of reality."

"You'll notice a difference after just one use," said Michelle Baker, head of new product development. "Whether it's your newborn's more hardened appearance, the way he now approaches people with guarded skepticism, or just that look on his face that says, 'Oh wait, maybe life isn't all hugs and kisses and rainbows. Maybe I need to get my fucking act together.'"

Added Baker, "Johnson & Johnson will kick your baby's ass into gear."

A publicity campaign for the tear-inducing shampoo has already begun, with Johnson & Johnson debuting a series of television ads to push the baby-care product. In one of the minute-long spots, scheduled to air later this week, a mother cradles her crying newborn in her arms. As time passes, the weeping infant grows increasingly older, until the now elderly woman struggles to hold up her 48-year-old, 230-pound son. A voiceover announcer asks viewers, "Worried your child will never toughen up? At Johnson & Johnson, we can help."

After rigorous product testing at the company's research headquarters in New Jersey, the new "Nothing But Tears" shampoo was found to give newborns up to three times greater resilience than the leading competitor, as well as a stronger grasp on the crushing disappointment that is life. In addition, when combined with Johnson & Johnson's new line of bleach-based conditioners, the shampoo resulted in noticeably thicker skin after only six uses.

In recent years, a growing number of parents have begun looking for ways to raise more adequately jaded toddlers, and Johnson & Johnson is not the first company to respond to the rising demand. In 2003, Fisher-Price unveiled a new adventure play set containing 85 easy-to-choke-on pieces, and in 2006, the Walt Disney Company introduced an interactive DVD entitled Baby's First Brush With A Cruel And Unforgiving World.

Whether or not Johnson & Johnson's new move will ultimately pay off remains to be seen. However, reaction to the tantrum-provoking shampoo has thus far been positive.

"My 13-month-old used to be a total pushover," said new mother Catherine Smith. "But ever since I started washing her hair with 'Nothing But Tears' shampoo, not only does my little Debra kick and scream and wail, but yesterday she said her first words: 'No, Mommy, don't.'"

Despite testimonials from satisfied customers, some concerned parents have come out against the new shampoo.

"To knowingly upset your baby like that is downright cruel," said Hershey, PA homemaker Barbara Sterling. "My child is going to lose his blissful sense of innocence the old-fashioned way—by coming home from school one day only to learn that his parents are getting a divorce"

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 Post subject: Re: the post onion articles thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 5:46 pm 
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that one was awesome

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