My instinct was this best suited for here, likely sparking some 'debate', if the Mods feel GD is better, obviously do your thang.

I got to thinking about this after hearing the topic brought up on a radio show a couple days ago. Do you think there are any circumstances under which this is acceptable? Is it a matter of, 'well this is what's done in your religion/culture, and so you should be allowed to continue, just live and let be'? Or, if you had the opportunity to, would you participate in a vote to completely ban the practice, that this crosses the line of respecting another's ways?

The stories they were talking about on the radio, man was this depressing. The one girl on the crew, apparently she'd befriended a young Indian girl at her gym and this came up in conversation (she asked the radio gal if her's was a "love marriage", and she couldn't imagine what the hell she meant by that, finding out that you got married because you were actually in love). So this Indian girl, her family had been friends with the guy's family for years, and the respective parents got together and said let's marry our kids. The girl was 18, she met the guy at a restaurant where they were given 2 hours to talk and "get to know each other", but also with the entire family sitting there with them at the table, literally listening in silence the entire time. Four months later they were married. When Kathy (the radio girl) asked the Indian if she loves him now at least, her response was -- no joke -- "he is a very nice man". Even worse, this girl's sister was also completely arranged, and the sister absolutely despises the husband and vice versa, they never talk, she is beyond miserable.

Kathy asked her if now that she's here and living in the States (though she's been here for a few years already I guess) would you consider leaving him and trying to find someone you do love, and the Indian wouldn't have the first clue what to do. I mean this girl is as innocent and inexperienced as you can possibly be, before being put together with the guy she'd never been on a single date, never kissed anyone, hell once they were married, they guy was a total newbie as well, she said they had no clue what to do to have sex. So, in terms of leaving, this poor girl wouldn't even know where to start (though later a caller mentioned that the idea of divorce is pretty much forbidden anyway). And they actually have since had a daughter, and the next destructive cycle is already churning. The wife says she will absolutely not restrict who her daughter can date or be with, meanwhile the husband says she will also be 100% arranged.

And perhaps the scariest and worst part, Kathy asked what would her family have done if she'd said no to the idea of this guy, and she replied "they would've killed me". Naturally Kathy said "right haha, no really", and the Indian girl said straightfaced, "really, they would've killed me."

This is just abhorrent, it's absolutely disgusting. Now obviously there are plenty of instances that are not nearly this harsh of a situation, but still. In my view this really isn't too many steps away from parents literally selling their kids on the black market.

No.

i've never heard a good reason why arranged marriages should exist anywhere in this world.

i just don't see how you can legally restrict them. it seems to violate privacy to do so; i'm not saying i believe it's right, and of course they shouldn't be forced into it(which they aren't here in America, and if they attended public schools, or even private ones, they have an understanding of how to live[maybe unsure sexually, but that's not even close to as big a deal as maybe you would be in India]), but if this is the religious and cultural tradition, and both parties wish to be a part of an arranged marriage, they should be able to.

Now the whole "they would've killed me" thing is much more applicable to India; not much chance of it happening here, or if it did happen, the family members killing her would very likely be caught.

So to sum up this post, which seems more like brainstorming than anything else, is that arranged marriages should be allowed, at least in the abstract concept, but no one should be forced to marry whomever their parents want them to, because that violates their rights, in the same way a law banning all "arranged marriages" would violate their rights.

Although arranged marriage divorce rates are much lower than normal marriages, I never thought that they are necessarily happier. Arranged marriages fascinate me due to this fact, but I certainly wouldn't conclude that arranged marriages are necessarily better than non-arranged marriages.
There are too many other social and cultural factors to consider. The biggest one is that in many cultures where arranged marriages are the norm, divorce is rarely spoken of. Also, most of the time a woman doesn't have the same social/financial standing as a man and rarely can become financially independent and support themselves and their kids.

Say a divorce happens: a divorced woman is can't be accepted back into her parents home (and probably not elsewhere). Basically, she asks herself "should I live with this person I don't like or put myself in a dead end situation?".
Also, a man who divorces is basically viewed as an utter disgrace within his family.

it's abuse of human rights. that is a direct denial of someone's right of the liberty to choose.

But don't you think you could conclude right off the bat how likely it is that non-arranged ones are better than arranged? And like you're alluding to with your first words, you certainly can't make any conclusions about their success based on divorce rates. For one like I referenced in my original post, in the foreign countries divorce is downright forbidden, and even where not, I would propose that you wind up having a sort of similarity to the battered wife syndrome. This fucked up situation is all that this woman has ever known, she's certainly got no individual spirit within her, and so I'd guess for some it doesn't even occur to think to leave even if they wouldn't be totally shamed by their family for doing so.

In my mind it's just as oppressive as the Muslims forbidding women to drive, be out in public not covered up, etc etc. It's absolutely wrong, no religion could simply use its doctrine to defend and excuse such horrible behavior.

Oh c'mon, please. You really think that deep down any significant percentage of these young people are wanting to enter into their arranged marriages? And even if they are, I say they're not. It would be a product of essentially lifelong brainwashing, beating it out of you from a very young age to give consideration to what it is that comes from your heart and soul that you truly desire.



But umm... isn't that pretty much exactly what we're talking about? What arranged marriage is? Your parents or family in general putting someone in front of you and saying "this IS who you will be marrying". Granted, I'm with you in not believing that extreme examples like that Indian girl are running rampant here in whatever arrangements are going down in the US, the fear of literally being killed if you go against it, but I'd have to imagine even in the 'less psychotic' versions (for lack of better phrasing), you're gonna be paying a pretty hefty price if you say you won't do it (being shunned from the family, etc).

Violate who's privacy? Violate who's rights?

The whole premise of the arranged marriage is binding someone else, ie your daughter or son to a legal agreement and financial arrangement on your behalf. One that they may or may not benefit from but regardless it's nothing more than slavery, worse than slavery in some cases and as far as I can see a gross breach of a person's human rights and I don't care what the "cultural norms or traditions" of a society are.
Unfortunately I must agree that legislating to have it banned would probably only see some truly heinous things go on "behind closed doors" so to speak.

Marriage is a dumb concept IMO (legal proof that you love someone? the fuck is that?), but it shouldn't be about arrangements for money/inheritence/religion/whatever, it should be about love.

Ummm...an arranged marriage today isn't necessarily the way that it was in the Middle Ages, although that still occurs. I have many friends and relatives who have had arranged marriages. Most came to a point in their lives when they wanted to be married, and there were no prospects in their lives. So they asked their parents to find suitable individuals. They weren't coerced, and the women weren't "sold" into some kind of weird bondage. Most of these people are prosperous professionals with busy careers who just didn't have much opportunity to meet new people.

Of course, you have to trust and be close to your parents. How well do they know you? In most cases, the couples have been quite content with what they got out of their marriages. A couple have even fallen madly in love with their spouses. Parents tend to pick reliable, even-tempered individuals who will be good to their children. And that's pretty much been the case in my experience. And here in the US, if you aren't happy with your arranged marriage, you can, like everyone else, get a divorce and start over.

Exactly. This notion that all women in arranged marriages are oppressed is just absurd. I would say not even the majority of married women are oppressed in ways that first come to mind.
I've seen arranged couples that are head-over-heels for each other. After reading some of the comments in this thread, I wonder if these arranged couples felt this way on day 1. Very unlikely and probably the opposite. The growth of the relationship during the course of their marriage must've been exponential, whereas with a regular marriage you've already established your love for each other and can only take it so far.

if women are readily giving themselves to arranged marriages, that's their choice. but even if the consequence is happiness, no woman should ever be forced into marrying a man.

Agreed. I feel I don't have the right to criticize, as it's a cultural thing--but yeah, I can't really fathom the point of it, especially now. I don't really see how anyone is better off in a situation like this than if they were to choose their own spouse.

What if you're a busy career person with limited opportunity to meet someone, and you don't enjoy anonymous dating? Your parents may have more time and a network of friends through which to meet and prescreen eligible people.

My cousin dated on her own and in fact had a steady boyfriend through most of college, but she still asked her parents to look at the possibility of arranging a marriage for her. In the end, she decided that she liked the guy that her parents found for her better than her boyfriend, so she dumped him married the guy that her parents had picked.

Having more possibilities isn't a bad thing.

she asked her parents. it was her choice. she wasn't forced.

No, she wasn't. Forced marriages still occur. And it's an unfortunate thing. And many parts of the world still need to come to terms with the idea that women are not chattel. But there is a modern perspective on arranged marriages that can be to the advantage of everyone involved. It allows individuals another mechanism for choosing a mate.

again, i agree. as long as choice is on the table, then parents helping you find a mate is OK.