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 Post subject: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 3:19 pm 
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http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion ... o_be_alive

I Don't Even Want To Be Alive Anymore

By Rush Limbaugh
January 25, 2010 | Issue 46•04
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I know there are a lot of people out there who are upset about some of the things I've been saying on my radio program lately. My comments about the situation in Haiti have hurt and angered many Americans who genuinely care about the plight of the Haitian people, and that hurt and anger will likely never go away. Many of you are probably wondering, "What would compel a human being to say things like that?" Well, here's your answer: I am a very bad person. And, to tell you the truth, I don't really want to be alive anymore.

Try to look at it from my point of view. I have no reason to live. In my 59 years, I've made millions of dollars, built a veritable media empire, and accomplished virtually everything that a man of my limited imagination and worldview could possibly accomplish. And yet, at this point, in no way could you refer to what I'm doing as "living," exactly. I just sort of exist. I derive no real pleasure from life. Oh, sure, I talk a big game about what a golf nut I am and how much I enjoy the taste of a fine cigar, but it's all horseshit. Complete and utter horseshit.

I don't enjoy that stuff. I don't enjoy anything. I don't even want to be here. The sadness and regret I feel every waking hour of my life is absolutely unbearable. I am a miserable pig and I do not want to exist.

The irony is that, even if I did die, the hell I would surely be sent to could not possibly be any worse than the bottomless pool of excrement I already paddle around in like some demented, shit-covered walrus. In fact, every time I hear my voice coming through the headphones I nearly gag, and I think, "What the fuck am I doing?" Why would I say that Michael J. Fox is faking his Parkinson's symptoms? Why would I find it funny to play a song called "Barack the Magic Negro"? Why would I tell people not to give aid to Haiti?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I live in constant terror and that terror informs my every word, thought, and action.

See, the thing is, I honestly cannot control the bilious hatred and filth that oozes out of my mouth. I want to—believe me, I want to—but I can't. And every time I speak, a tiny voice inside my head is screaming, "Stop talking, you stupid, insensitive prick. JUST STOP FUCKING TALKING. All you do is spread hate and fear, and the world would be a better place without you, you worthless, amoral, cocksucking fuckface."

What I should really do is just commit suicide. I have this little Sunday ritual I started around the time I publicly compared the torture at Abu Ghraib to a fraternity prank, where I climb into my Jacuzzi and put a gun in my mouth. But I can never work up the guts to pull the trigger. A few times I came close to overdosing on prescription pain pills, but my goddamn doctors were always there to save me. If I had any sense, I would just hole myself up in a Red Roof Inn with a case of Jack Daniel's and slowly drink myself into the gaping maw of death itself.

But what can I say? I guess I'm just too much of a fat fucking pussy to follow through.

You know what? I wish someone would just kill me. I'm serious. Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking: "Oh my God, how can you say such a thing? You can't print that in a newspaper!" But see, I don't care anymore. I've cried my tears. I've battled my demons, and I've lost. It's over. It's all over. The only thing left for me to do now is just go away. Have I even once contributed a single ounce of good to humanity? Put me out of my misery. I wouldn't make a fuss. I wouldn't even humiliate myself by saying goodbye. For the first time in my odious, pitiful life, I'd accept my fate with quiet dignity.

Then I wouldn't have to live with my wretched, wretched self. Oh, the release.

I've imagined my death a thousand times over, and it's always the same. In my mind's eye, a serene setting comes into view. I see a funeral procession driving down some small-town Main Street in Nowheresville, U.S.A. On one side of the street, a collection of sycophants and morons are paying their respects in subliterate, sanctimonious tones. Meanwhile, on the other side of the street, I can just make out the faint image of a young boy, his brow furrowed in confusion, clutching the hand of his father. "Who is that man, Daddy?" he asks as the hearse containing my bloated, lifeless body rolls by. "Who is that person they speak of?" The father will then lower his head and say, "There, my son, go the remains of Rush Hudson Limbaugh, the most abominable lump of festering dog shit in the history of American broadcasting. May the likes of him never again soil or tarnish the greatness of our fair country."

Please forgive me, everyone. I am so sorry.

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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 3:36 pm 
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sigh

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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 4:31 pm 
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:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 4:36 pm 
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I chuckled, but I'm pretty sure this could have gone in the post onion articles thread.

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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 4:54 pm 
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big LOLs as soon as the page loaded

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Unfortunately, it's so elementary, and the big time investors behind the drive in the stock market aren't so stupid. This isn't the false economy of 2000.


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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 5:40 pm 
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This thread has made me realize that, after all these years, Rush is still getting massive amounts of attention. You'd think his act would be getting old after all this time.


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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 5:52 pm 
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The only reason I posted this is because I thought this was pretty edgy, even for The Onion. They come about as close as legally possible to suggesting that someone should KILL Rush Limbaugh without violating criminal law.

The fact that it is chock full of truth makes it extra delicious.

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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 6:01 pm 
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It doesn't get old, because it appeals to a certain personality type. The article is so funny because there's some truth to the fact that the man's radio persona apparently takes no joy in life whatsoever.

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LittleWing sometime in July 2007 wrote:
Unfortunately, it's so elementary, and the big time investors behind the drive in the stock market aren't so stupid. This isn't the false economy of 2000.


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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 6:18 pm 
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I almost felt sorry for the man. :shake:

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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 7:27 pm 
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punkdavid wrote:
The only reason I posted this is because I thought this was pretty edgy, even for The Onion. They come about as close as legally possible to suggesting that someone should KILL Rush Limbaugh without violating criminal law.

The fact that it is chock full of truth makes it extra delicious.


Someone definitely has a dark streak over at The Onion. This and the "Man Killed In Car Crash Unfortunately Not Glenn Beck" are just awesome.

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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 7:55 pm 
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*slow golf clap*

for all you liberals who are so against conservs cause you believe they are evil people :)

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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 7:56 pm 
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Peeps wrote:
*slow golf clap*

for all you liberals who are so against conservs cause you believe they are evil people :)
Not to worry, if the same style article was written about Obama it would be denounced as racist.


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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 8:03 pm 
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tyler wrote:
Peeps wrote:
*slow golf clap*

for all you liberals who are so against conservs cause you believe they are evil people :)
Not to worry, if the same style article was written about Obama it would be denounced as racist.


That's the most racist thing I've ever read. Shame on you.

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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 8:04 pm 
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tyler wrote:
Peeps wrote:
*slow golf clap*

for all you liberals who are so against conservs cause you believe they are evil people :)
Not to worry, if the same style article was written about Obama it would be denounced as racist.

I think there are few people for whom you could use a "similar style" and have it have any degree of truthiness to it. I mean, does anyone believe that Obama is self-loathing? It wouldn't ring true at all, which is what separates this piece from any number of ranting hit pieces published every day.

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Unfortunately, at the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius, the Flower Children jerked off and went back to sleep.


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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 8:07 pm 
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I don't think it's funny to make fun of retards.

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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 8:18 pm 
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tyler wrote:
Peeps wrote:
*slow golf clap*

for all you liberals who are so against conservs cause you believe they are evil people :)
Not to worry, if the same style article was written about Obama it would be denounced as racist.


Goddamn you are stupid

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LittleWing sometime in July 2007 wrote:
Unfortunately, it's so elementary, and the big time investors behind the drive in the stock market aren't so stupid. This isn't the false economy of 2000.


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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 8:21 pm 
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glorified_version wrote:
tyler wrote:
Peeps wrote:
*slow golf clap*

for all you liberals who are so against conservs cause you believe they are evil people :)
Not to worry, if the same style article was written about Obama it would be denounced as racist.


Goddamn you are stupid



AND........... the vortex of banality has just started sucking.

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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 8:24 pm 
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I'm sorry, it warranted that kind of response and nothing less

This has nothing to do with Obama. Limbaugh is vile.

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LittleWing sometime in July 2007 wrote:
Unfortunately, it's so elementary, and the big time investors behind the drive in the stock market aren't so stupid. This isn't the false economy of 2000.


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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 8:26 pm 
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glorified_version wrote:
I'm sorry, it warranted that kind of response and nothing less

This has nothing to do with Obama. Limbaugh is vile.



no it didnt boy, everyone knows what tyler said was true

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 Post subject: Re: Rush Limbaugh Op-Ed
PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 8:36 pm 
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dial back the personal vendettas, please.

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