Ricky Williams Formally Apologizes For Being Lenny Kravitz Fan

MIAMI--Ricky Williams returned to training camp yesterday and immediately tried to mend fences with his teammates. First, he apologized for his decision to quit football last season, travel the world, and tour with rock star Lenny Kravitz. Then he apologized for the more egregious offense of being a fan of Lenny Kravitz.

“I just want to say that I’m sorry to my teammates and fans for my actions last season,” Williams read from a prepared statement. “I realize that Lenny Kravitz is a bland, unoriginal, corporate shill who was only relevant for about five minutes in the early 90’s. Last year I was a very confused person and needed to explore different things in my life. One of those things was going on tour with the gayest rock star since Terence Trent Darby.”

Williams’ apology was greeted with a lukewarm response by the rest of the team. Some seemed willing to let bygones be bygones, while others were wondering if they could ever trust Williams again.

“I don’t know man. I don’t know about that apology,” said defensive end Jason Taylor. “It seemed a little insincere to me. I mean, how can he go from being a huge fan of the guy to hating him in a few short months? How do I know that he’s not going to suddenly start listening to Lenny Kravitz again? I’m sorry but I’m not convinced. After last year, I don’t think I’ll ever trust anyone again.”

Taylor’s teammate, Zach Thomas, took a slightly more diplomatic stance.

“Hey, we all make mistakes in life. Who among us is perfect?” Thomas said. “I think you just have to let these things go. Sure, it’s abhorrent to be a fan of Lenny Kravitz, but that’s something that Ricky has to live with for the rest of his life. It’s his cross to bear. As long as he apologizes for his actions, which he did, I can forgive and forget. Hell, we all mess up from time to time. Remember that time we accidentally ran that homeless guy over and then threw his dead body into a ditch? Me, too. That was cool.”

Later in the day, head coach Nick Saban addressed his team and advised them to forgive Williams for his past discretions and focus on winning football games. Saban himself is disgusted with Williams’ decision to attend a Lenny Kravitz concert, but he knows there’s no time for grudges.

“Look, nobody is as mortified by all this as me,” Saban told his team. “Lenny Kravitz is the most tedious, banal, derivative piece of over-produced dogshit this side of Blink 182. I know that. You know that. Lenny Kravitz himself probably knows it. And hopefully Ricky knows it, too. He is a changed man who has clearly adjusted his priorities. Perhaps it has something to do with the $8 million he owes us.”

Kravitz himself weighed in on the matter yesterday when he defended Williams’ decision to accompany him on the road.

“You guys are being awfully hard on Ricky,” Kravitz said in a telephone interview with the Miami Herald. “All he did was hop on the bus and go on tour with me for while. That doesn’t mean he likes me. He was just using me for the weed and chicks. God, if he liked me I would’ve lost all respect for the guy.”

Now the Dolphins can begin training camp with their best player back from his self imposed exile. At first glance things look normal, but a simmering resentment lurks just beneath the surface. No matter how hard he tries, Williams knows he will never again be known as one of the guys.

“I know I made a big mistake and there’s nothing I can do about it now,” Williams told reporters after practice. “I don’t know, last year I was just…I was a little unstable, you know? There were a lot of things going on in my head that I needed to address. Perhaps Lenny Kravitz was just some kind of release for me, an escape from the demons in my head. It was just such a crazy time. But I’m over that now. In fact, I’ve got two tickets to my new favorite singer next week at American Airlines Arena. I’ll give you a hint. It’s not Lenny. Who is it? Drum roll please…it’s Rob Thomas, formerly of Matchbox 20! My teammates are gonna be so proud of me.”

God bless this article.

hahahahaha

i thought the article was funny as hell, but it still does'nt change the fact williams is a piece of shit for quiting on his teamates last year!

i'm assuming this is from the onion, is that correct?

if i was a dolphin, i would be almost as upset about the lenny kravitz thing as the quitting itself.

brushback

Both seem to be jerk stores.