The following was revealed to me earlier today in a vision while I was taking my nightly dump. Anything you try to cough up may be funnier, but since my vision was sent to me by Jesus Himself, it will be wrong. Read it and weep.

WILD CARD
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#5 Dallas 38, #4 Arizona 28 - Arizona jumps to a 28-17 lead at the start of the second half after Romo fumbles away a free Cards TD in the end zone, but at the two minute warnig Kurt Warner stubs his toe, cries, and walks out of the stadium bawling, leaving the Cards' offense ineffective and turnover-prone and allowing Romo to throw three straight TD's to three unknown, somehow super-talented backup third slot receivers after the 'Boys recover two consecutive onside kicks (which Madden calls "onsides kicks"). In the ensuing press conference, Denny Green is rehired as the Cardinal's press secretary and screams, "WE ARE WHO THEY SAID WE WERE." Meanwhile, in the Dallas locker, T.O., who had no TD catches, drones a bit about being a team player with all the emotion of a bored highschooler reciting a poorly memorized Hamlet soliloquy to his English teacher.

#6 Philadelphia 7, #3 Minnesota 3 - after a scoreless first three quarters marked by five turnovers from each team, McNabb throws a pick deep in Eagles territory and is subsequently yanked from the game. After it results only in a Vikings field goal, Pam Oliver interviews Andy Reid, who says he's "confident in Donovan's abilities" and that he will return after the break. Team medics rush to put an oxygen mask on Donovan to feign exhaustion, and then McScabb appears on the field to toss his fourth pick of the day with a minute left to seemingly end the game. Philly fans are booing so loudly they can be heard all the way in Minnesota. The Vikings fumble the ensuing kneel-down snap, however, and the Eagles run it back for the game winning TD, and Donovan is praised by the announcers and given the Player of the Game award.

#5 New England 0, #4 Denver Broncos 2 - After taking a 66-3 lead with one second left in the fourth quarter on an unnecessary TD run from the 1 on 4th down, Coach Bill raises both his arms in victory and a packet of papers falls from his jacket. The papers turn out to be the Broncos playbook, which turn out to have been smuggled to Bellicheat by Al Davis in the "Watergate Scandal of the NFL." The Commissioner awards the Broncos a forfeit victory, and sports analysts worldwide wonder why it was even necessary to cheat against an 8-8 team with aging talent and no chance to win anyway. The Patriots organization continuously maintains that it does not violate the rules explicitly after discovering Shanahan simply gave the playbook to Davis after proclaiming, "what's the use? I just copied them from Super Tecmo Bowl."

#6 Baltimore Ravens 6, #3 New York Jets 0 (5 OT) - Brett Favre throws a record 10 interceptions in regulation play, retires from football for good for the first four overtimes, and then unretires to lead his team to its 20th turnover of the game deep in their own territory. After taking 10 minutes to drive fifteen yards to the 10, Baltibore sets up for the game winning field goal only to find the entire bored Jets special teams playing Red Rover with the Baltimore cheerleaders on the sidelines. With an empty field, Matt Stover walks it in for the game-winning TD instead, but it is witnessed by nobody, as the nation has long since gone to bed or switched to more interesting late-night shows than Baltimore football, like Shamwow infomercials.

DIVISION
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#6 Philadelphia 10, #1 New York Giants 3 - After the Eagles score the go-ahead touchdown in the closing seconds, the Giants face a long 4th down situation. Eli throws the ball up in the air to the Super Bowl hero Plaxico, but he accidentally shoots the football with a gun tucked in his right sleeve. The deflated ball falls like a feather to the sidelines into Donovan McNabb's hands, who receives the Player of the Game award for the second straight week for that catch despite only completing two passes for 45 yards. The Philly runningback troupe is left dumbfounded by this decision and is accused in the following week of not being "team players."

#5 Dallas 59, #2 Carolina 56 (OT) - In a game where Carolina is held to -10 yards and no first downs (except on penalties) by a stalwart Dallas 'D, the horrific Dallas special teams gives up two each of a punt return, kickoff return, blocked punt, and blocked field goal TD, allowing the Panthers to play into OT, where thankfully John Kasay blows the kickoff out of bounds and gives the 'Boys excellent starting position to set up the winning field goal. Romo is brilliant, accounting for all 8 TD passes to running backs, Witten, Williams, waterboys, The Fridge, and one to himself, but none to T.O., who finally cracks and blames the team's inability to put the Panthers away on Romo not throwing him the ball. T.O. then quits the team and runs off to Jamaica with Jessica Simpson.

#6 Baltimore 0, #1 Pittsburgh 1 - In the NFL's first 1-0 game, neither team's offense earns a single first down against the far superior opposing defenses. After a total of five offensive yards are earned at the end of regulation, the commissioner, aware of the loss of viewership in last week's Baltimore yawner and fearing an OT sequence longer and more anguishing than the second half of a season from the Orioles, makes an emergency arrangement with UFC and has Hines Ward and Bart Scott duke it out for the winning point half an hour later. Ward knocks out Scott with a crane kick as the stadium plays "You're the Best" over the speaker system.

#4 Denver 28, #2 Tennessee 24 - The talented Tennessee Titans, affected by a mysterious mind-control device later found to be manned by former Oiler fans disappointed in yet another almost-season from the Texans, are programmed by the Houstonites to not show up on the field mentally for a third time against an inferior team in the 2008 season. Jeff Fisher, figuring out the deception after falling behind 28-0 at the half, calls Frank Reich out of the stands, causing the suddenly elated Houston fans to reverse their device to make the Broncos believe they're the Bills. The gambit ultimately fails as Steve Smith is tackled at the 1 in the final second, giving the Broncos the close win. Smith receives Kurt Warner's Super Bowl ring one week later, with a letter thanking him for reminding him of the glory days and finally putting an end to his world-record weeklong crying streak.

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS
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#6 Philadelphia 21, #5 Dallas 27 - In what will forever be remembered as the "Romorooski," Dallas, down 21-20 in the closing seconds, lines up for a field goal with Romo to receive the snap. On the hike, the Eagles leap over the field goal unit and flatten Romo after Tony makes a dramatic, emotional gesture indicating yet another playoff field goal snap flub. The snapper, having faked the actual snap, walks uncontested into the end zone just as McNabb is presented the Player of the Game award for "toughing it out" through a case of bad diarrhea earned from eating Campbell's Chunky Soup Chili at the half. T.O., who rejoined the Eagles after the Cowboys controversy the previous week, quits immediately and joins the fledgling United Football League, which he leaves halfway through the inaugural year after only catching twenty touchdown passes.

#4 Denver 0, #1 Pittsburgh 21 - Although it might appear that the Steelers took down the Broncs with three touchdowns, they actually take their points all from field goals following each of the seven Broncos turnovers. The entire game features so many three-and-out punts and placekicks that some local Australian hooligans, thinking the Americans have changed the rules to rugby, sneak into the stadium and streak naked across the field in celebration after the NFL's first successful free kick in decades is converted just before half. To combat the slowness and boredom, the Steeler organization plays the old TV movie "Brian's Song" on the jumbotron to the bored stadium in the second half, resulting in many tearful crowd publicity shots as Big Ben and crew streak off the field in victory.

SUPER BOWL
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Dallas 10, Pittsburgh 7 - In a Super Bowl for the ages, tough rage from the Cowboys, mindful of the loss earlier in the season, clashes with the perfect Steeler Defense to produce the slugfest to end all slugfests. The battle begins with guest commentator Roger Staubach punching Terry Bradshaw in the nuts before the opening kickoff, and when the game ends, fifteen players have sustained game-ending injuries, including Big Ben, who is sent to the hospital in critical condition after Ware's shoe ends up lodged in his throat following football's most monstrous sack ever. Ware, who ate a pound of Pittsburgh-forged steel for breakfast before playing the game, also knocked all the backup quarterbacks straight into concussion city, but was removed on injury after bagging the final backup and punching his own teeth out in celebration. Pacman Jones scores first for Dallas following a 0-0 half, taking the third slot for a battered receiver reserve and running a 50-yard slant to paydirt after Romo informs him he'll dump all the lockerroom booze if he doesn't score. Pac is injured early in the fourth as Troy Polamalu, taking over the Pittsburg QB position and doing so well that Jerry Jones rages to the point where the plastic in his face begins to boil, smashes three of the cornerback's ribs while catching his own pass for the tying TD. Not to be outdone, Tony Romo leads the Boys down the field on the subsequent drive with three broken fingers and a concussion so bad he keeps insisting he's Batman and continuously calling Marion "Tiki." 20 plays of hard running and short passes later, the winning field goal is kicked as time expires. The victory is followed immediately by a Jedi-like appearance of the ghost of Tom Landry, who ascends to Heaven carrying the Super Bowl trophy.

Canadiens vs Red Wings in the final!

my only prediction is pittsburgh loses in the AFC title game

I've witnessed too many of them in person.

me too, if you count watching them live on tv as "in person"
i wish i still lived up that way

Romorooski

I predict that Tony Romo will monumentally fuck something up

Ellis' unbiased picks for 2008

NFC:------------AFC:
1. NYG-----------1. Pit
2. Car------------2. Ten
3. Chi------------3. NYJ
4. Ari------------4. Den
5. Atl------------5. Ind
6. TB------------6. NE

Round 1:
NFC----------------AFC
Chi over TB----------NE over NYJ
Atl over Ari----------Ind over Den

Round 2:
NFC----------------AFC
Car over Chi---------NE over Pit
NYG over Atl---------Ind over Ten

Round 3:
NFC----------------AFC
NYG over Car--------NE over Ind

SB XLIII:
NE over NYG

Brian Kelly MVP

if you couldn't beat the giants with brady, you won't do it without him

actually in boston sports (which make no sense sometimes), something like this could happen

it could but it won't

the giants don't have their MVPs from last year either. i think their road to XLIII is a lot more difficult than the pats, the AFC is a cake walk, the Jets, Pit & Indy, in their barns... cake walk central.... or is it cake walk avenue? i can't remember, cue the duck boats! Wilfork wants a stylish pinky ring BITCHES!!!!

why so he can fork someone else in the eyes with it?

While you are correct that path is easier for the Pats, head to head I think the Giants win.

you're just bitter b/c the B's are going to score 10 tonite... not to mention Mats is officially gone and the franchise he captained, took money from, and left for dead, sucks.

sports are weird in general, specifically the playoffs, mainly because so much of it comes down to luck, chance, etc., but also because the playoffs are different than the regular season. watch the freaking falcons and broncos or something.

When it comes to football I ain't bitter. I got to see my team win a superbowl by beating the 18-0 patriots

at first i thought you were crazy for picking the bears. then i looked, and the vikings have the falcons, then giants. while both games are home, it looks like both of these teams will be fighting for something (playoffs, home field). meanwhile, the bears finish with GB at home, then go on the road for the texans. could be interesting.

playoffs are crazy