Here's another landmark. I'm 21, it's saturday, April first. April fools day, right? Somewhere around now, I'm sure. Well, life's changed. When alone, which is more often than not, I am reminded of what I miss... or,... who i miss. In Ft. Bliss, El Paso, Tx, about 2 months ago I met a girl at a place I'd go to on the ever-anticipated weekends (days off from AIT in the army) called the Hookah Experience (Hookah Bar). Rosina. Rosie. What she now has in common, tragically, with Clare (my one-and-only before her) is that she is a mother to a dead child of mine. A miscarriage. I didn't want it to happen. It was stupid and a rash decision and I accept this consequence as a fault of mine. While lying next to Rosie, feeling so emotionally and physically close to her I remember deciding I'd marry her and raise a child. That was the mistake. I shouldn't have thought that. It was selfish and I didn't recognize the magnitude of its effect. Thought it was just my imagination. No. I need to trust those thoughts so seemingly far away. Because they are real. Like an insight, what I can't explain because of impatience and the-storm-that-is life's constant distractions.... that clear day... those clear moments... How I long for them as memories of reunite me with a smile and sense of peace and inspiration to be and trust myself stubbornly to do what I must - though I can't explain to or answer all those questions (even I would ask, if in their place) from those who care - to find happiness. And i think what will lead me there is playing my guitar and writing songs and learning to sing and use my voice in a way that others can observe and find something beyond me and music that is special. A human connection. Emotional, from the heart. You know? Maybe best expressed through music and vocals...
When AIT was coming to an end, Rosie was my primary focus... in life... with people... my social life. The night we had sex she showed me her heart and I felt its beat, I recognized its rhythm and my passion for her knew I'd see her again at least once more before I'd leave for my duty station on the coming weekend. I didn't get the chance to. I did see her on a night that lead to a disapointment... Too many people around for us to be alone... But that doesn't count... it ended there....


As we get older we find out more and more what we want and are more suitable for.
I met Nikki on the night I decided Rosie and I would end.

go on ...

i know

Awesome.

that sounds like the first few pages to a great novel.

yeah? i tried writing a novel once but couldn't keep it going. it was kind of autobiographical like this is.