From Movie Poop Shoot. Scroll down at the site past Tool, and RHCP to read the review. Or read it here without the pictures and allegely funny captions!

This is more of a personal attack, than a review. At the end the writer issues a challenge for the readers. I think Stip could answer the battle call.

Artist: Pearl Jam
Album: Pearl Jam
Bastard Love Child of: Nirvana and Neil Young
Best for: Realizing that Pearl Jam is about as much fun as a turd in a punchbowl.


Hi there, Pearl Jam fans. How are you? Everything going all right for you out there? I mean, of course, besides the world and the environment and your job and your girlfriend and the president and the rising cost of oil and the war in Iraq and your parents always riding your ass and the Sudan and North Korea and Iran and Haliburton and Katie leaving the Today Show and Lost! and the Religious Right and stem cell research and your dumb-ass math teacher and your crappy car and illegal immigration and the Duke Lacrosse team and Katrina and Natalie Holloway and FEMA and “Brangolina” and global warming. I mean, how are things going BESIDES all that. That bad, huh? Wow, bummer, man. Hey. . .I know. . .heard any good corporate greed jokes lately? How about a good Bush-bashing joke? Here’s one you might not have heard: What was Bush’s position on Roe v. Wade? Actually, he never gave two shits about how Katrina victims got out of New Orleans! Ha! No? Hmmm. . .let me think. . .I got it! I heard another joke the other day and it TOTALLY reminded me of you. It was the new album from Pearl Jam.

What? That piss you off, too? Wow, that’s shocking! Honestly, PJ fans, both you and your band need to lighten up a bit. Carrying around all of that anger is unhealthy and I’ve GOT to believe that stick up your ass is awfully uncomfortable. Come on, now, deep breath, people. In with the pink, out with the blue. In with the pink, out with the blue. I mean, I know there’s a lot of things out there that make your heart sad, but you’ve gotta turn those frowns upside down. Seriously, who the hell cares if flannel futures are way down? And big deal that the band that you’ve devoted a large chunk of your life to hasn’t had a commercially viable album since Yield? You still like them, right? And big whoop that the band you admired so much for telling Ticketmaster to go screw is back this summer shilling tickets for. . .well, for Ticketmaster. That’s just smart business. Good god, you didn’t actually buy that whole “we are not doing this for the money” thing, did you? And, perhaps most importantly, is it really such a big deal that Pearl Jam has never been able to shake the label of being “a poor man’s Nirvana?” I don’t think so and you shouldn’t either.


Trust me, people, I really do feel for you. I can’t even begin to imagine how much it must suck balls to have to CONSTANTLY defend your love for this band. What with the lackluster and declining album sales and the mediocre music. . .Damn!. . .it’s gotta be tough! And good god, they sure didn’t help your cause with their latest disc, the cleverly titled Pearl Jam. (Boy, these guys are a bunch of cut ups, aren’t they?) Too bad, because, much like you, I had high hopes for this one ESPECIALLY after hearing the best, non-Neil Young song that the band has performed in years, “Unemployable.” That one song right there is kick ass, no argument. Of course, I can’t understand a single damn word that Eddie is mumbling, but hey, Gossard and McCready’s guitar work is stellar. In fact, they are absolutely the stars of this album. Songs like “Life Wasted,” “Severed Hand” and “Marker in the Sand” would have been even bigger duds than they are if it hadn’t been for these two guys. They’re playing is angry and inspired, whereas Eddie is just angry. . .and maybe drunk. Hard to tell, really, with all the marbles in his mouth.

But I tell you what, PJ fans. Considering that I understand your plight, I will give you all yet one more chance to defend your boys. With all of the practice you’ve had, this should be easy for you. Drop me a line and tell me, as succinctly as possible, why this band doesn’t suck and why people should buy this album. If you do a decent job of pleading your case and not just telling me how big of a dick I am for not liking Pearl Jam, I’ll post your review, right here, with no additional comments. Sound fair? Good. But I’ll tell you right now, you have your work cut out for you because, as far as I’m concerned, the ONLY good things to come out of Seattle are, in this order: Alice in Chains, Starbucks, Nirvana and Ken Griffey, Jr.

What a fucking jackass.

sweet avatar fag

Ha ha. Not to go off topic, but have you seen any Happy Tree Friend episodes? Check out this link. They're maybe a minute or two long each, and more violent than Itchy and Scratchy!

stop posting

this hardly seems worth responding to.

Yes but I would like to point out a contradiction


Nirvana = A poor man's Pixies
Pearl Jam = Better than the Pixies

Therefore

Pearl Jam = Much better than Nirvana

- Pearl Jam was voted the greatest American band ever last year... Nirvana was in 18th place.

If this reviewer thinks Pearl Jam is a poor mans Nirvana, he can keep telling himself that.... he's the only one who believes it.

I'm going to drop a line... oh YEAH!!

- Pearl Jam was voted the greatest American band ever last year... Nirvana was in 18th place.

where can you see this list

http://www.usatoday.com/life/columnist/ ... andy_x.htm

There you go dude, feel free to brag & show it off everywhere.. I havent stopped since.

This guy seems angrier about Pearl Jam even being a band than we fans apparently are...

I actually kind of agree with some of the things he says, don't get me wrong I still love the band, but I kind of wish the politics were gone also.

Conservative PJ fans interset me becuase they're such a progressive band and they really wear it on their sleeve. I wonder how people wth different politics manage to not feel alienated by them.

i thought the review was completely hysterical. almost as hysterical as people actually believing the da vinci code has an ounce of truth to it.

(i love the new album, don't get me wrong; i just found the review very funny regardless; no need to attack the "critic," as his main goal was clearly to upset PJ fans. don't let him achieve that goal.)

i guess i would be considered conservative, but i'm not alienated by the band at all when they veer off on their many political tangents. that's when i tune the lyrics out and focus on the music. a nice trade-off now and then.

I KNEW jesus was a fictional character

woah...bold statement.