http://www.astrosdaily.com/column/10704011637fan.html

ARLINGTON, TX --- In a surprise move, the Texas Rangers announced Sunday that they have signed Roger Clemens to a record-setting $1 billion-per-year contract for the rest of his natural life.

The move stunned Rangers fans everywhere -- all three of them -- as the Rangers have never had a marquee pitcher except for Nolan Ryan.

Among the other perks Clemens will enjoy, Rangers owner Tom Hicks agreed to rename their ballpark "Clemens Field at Ameriquest Park in Arlington," and paint all the seats burnt orange.

"We recognize the committment Roger Clemens has to his family," Hicks added, "so we have bought his three younger sons Kory, Kacy, and Kody outright, and will try to make a trade for Koby." Clemens' wife Debbie will design a new logo and new uniforms for the team.

In addition to not having to make road trips, Clemens will not have to pitch on days that end with "y".

All concessions at the newly-renamed Clemens Field will be handled by Clemens' own "Earl of Sandwich" company, while Debbie will design and make all Rangers apparel sold in the ballpark's gift shops.

Reached for comment by telephone, former teammate Craig Biggio said simply, "That's just baseball."

Good times.

i would be happy if the stros just gave the rangers lidge for something, anything.

how about lidge for Zeke (leatherface) straight up?

Rocket signs with Boston. probably not, but it's fun to write.

sounds fair.

I was hoping this was true so I wouldn't have to hear speculation about where fat boy is going to go for the next 2 months. He's worse than 3 Favres.

lidge for sosa would be pretty funny, and might even work out well for both teams. the stros might not average four runs a game this year.

If we keep the lineup we had yesterday, our one and two hitters have a combined OPS+ of 146. Our number three hitter's OPS+ is 161.

We're just giving away two outs, and leaving no one on base for Berkman, Lee, Ensberg, and Scott. Garner's an idiot.

We would score runs if we had decent 1 and 2 hitters

is there any good reason to not have burke at #2, and move everett to #7 where he belongs? he just needs to face it that 7-9 in any astro lineup will be pretty much 3 up, 3 down.

no. There is absolutely no reason Everett is batting 2nd.

I love Everett, he's easily the best defensive short stop in the league, but he can't hit for shit and needs to be with the other worthless hitter, Ausmus.

i doubt everett is the best defensive ss in the league. fans tend to say that when players are horrible hitters. the same goes for ausmus, who has no business having a major league job anymore. i'm not saying they aren't good defensive players. if they weren't they'd be posting here instead of sucking up outs, and everett is probably closer to being the best at short than ausmus is behind the plate, but man, those guys don't belong anywhere near starting in the major leagues. berkman is an absolutely great player. he doesn't deserve to hit behind adam f. everett.

Ausmus does nothing. His defense is poor, he throws like a girl, and he hits like about as good as me.

Sporting News talking about the "Fielding Bible"

"I've been here for 20 years," Biggio says, "and he's (Everett) the best I've ever played with."

Anecdotal evidence is one thing. Praise from a revered teammate is great to have. But what about quantifiable data?

Thanks to The Fielding Bible, a new treatise from John Dewan on the defensive merits of major league players and teams, we have just that.

Perhaps Astros fans should pipe down about the club's inability to push through a proposed trade that would have sent Everett and Roy Oswalt to the Orioles for the big bat of Miguel Tejada at the nonwaiver trading deadline.

They should read a four-page essay from the esteemed Bill James detailing the ways in which Everett is superior to Derek Jeter and how Everett easily was the best at the position the past three seasons.

Dewan's sleep-deprived crew at Baseball Info Solutions came to that conclusion after watching video of every game played in that span and charting the direction, distance, type and result of every ball put in play.

The resulting plus-minus system, in which every fielder (catchers excluded) was assigned a rating based on how he fared against an average defender at his position, greatly advanced the cause of defensive sabermetrics.

Everett was assigned a plus-76 for the past three years, well ahead of the Pirates' Jack Wilson (plus-50), who was ranked second. Tejada, at plus-15, ranked 11th. Jeter (minus-64) was 30th, and Rangers All-Star Michael Young (minus-73) ranked 31st and last.

Adam Everett was the best defensive shorstop in the National League last year, no question.

swept at home against the Pirates to begin the season. not good..........

terrible, considering how we did against them last year. jennings and oswalt did great, but that's to be expected. woody was ok, and pitched out of some tough spots (reminded me of andy). i didn't sit down to watch the entirety of any of the 3 games, as i have better ways to spend my time. maybe that sounds fair-weather of me, but until they decide to actually remove their heads from their asses, i'm not gonna pay $ for a ticket.

on the bright side, the strangers and the cards were both swept as well!

Yeah we blow. But Berkman and Ensberg will come around, and once they do we should be alright.

so guys, any thoughts on a Lidge trade? Someone mentioned how bad Tampa Bay needed a closer, and they have prospects coming out the wazoo. We should really trade for a good hitting catching prospect who's in AA or AAA.

Why would you trade for a AA catcher and block Towles? He's just be a year or so behind. The astros wouldn't get a good hitting, high level catching prospect in exchange for Lidge anyhow.

Damn. Forgot about Towlie.

So who could we get? Anything? Maybe another Bagwell from the BoSox?