Joined: Sat Mar 11, 2006 5:06 am Posts: 3146 Location: Orange County, California
I really like the word play in the second stanza and it says a lot in so few word. Your title is great too.
_________________ I waited all day
you waited all day
but you left before sunset
and I just wanted to tell you
that the moment was beautiful
just wanted to dance to bad music
drive bad cars
watch bad tv
should have stayed for the sunset
if not for me
Joined: Tue May 30, 2006 2:48 pm Posts: 3115 Location: Edinburgh/Lincoln, UK
I like this too, as BadRadio said - the title is great.. I liked this part:
'should i be simply
grateful for what i miss '
That's really nice...There's an ambiguity to it...whatever you're referring to, i still feel like i can relate to that - the notion that maybe we shouldn't let things get us down and just be grateful we're luckily to have felt something at all.
Overall it hit me as if it were a warning against naivity...but there's an optimism there too - 'let's learn from our mistakes, etc etc, yadda yadda'.. I'm probably wrong, but i liked it anyway
But yeah - stop being a lazy bastard and start posting things that you didn't just find lying around, ha
:) thanks man, i wrote this almost 3 years ago. i need some motivation to write new stuff again.
It's definitely tough to get back into it isn't it. I just e-mailed everyone in my writing group to see what they're up to, see if I can get anything together.
The second line, to me anyway, seems like it wants punctuation. I can read it a few different ways, and with the writing license of poetry, I find myself rereading it a few times before I move on. I know there is a stop there enjambment wise but I still want something solid; is it there, is the pause after allow. I want that first stanza to knock me in the face, so that second stanza can be even more powerful with the confusion/questioning of the speaker. Hehe, selfish reader I am... I want, I want.
Good job, now get writing.
_________________ absinthe makes the heart grow fonder And so it goes...
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