Joined: Thu Mar 29, 2007 4:36 am Posts: 6781 Location: Struggle Town
you deliver a story in a way that seems effortless even when the subject matter is complex, thus making it very fluid and easy to read.
The intro was awesome:
Quote:
Let's play until we're dead Sing songs through the whole damn show And forget this wilted renaissance An age that'd have you Piggyback a dream you ain't seeing
I don't find either the subject matter or the language too heavy handed I actually think the words are sewn together very well and I get the impression they were chosen with both thought and caution.
_________________ When will it stop, the hate, the generation of cock sucking faggots, traditionalistic fundamentalist catholics
Post subject: Re: World Histories Through the Eyes of a Boy
Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 5:41 am
Got Some
Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2006 1:37 am Posts: 2465 Location: A dark place
This poem reminds me of the movie "The Fountain." One of my favorite films.
As I do with my own "poetry." I think maybe this could do with some subtractions. Although I must warn you my poetry sucks and yours is stunning. I generally think most poems are too long. I also think lines should be longer.
The opening and ending lines are fucking killer.
Here would be my edit.
jcurley wrote:
"World Histories Through the Eyes of a Boy"
Let's play until we're dead And sing songs through the whole damn show Forget this wilted renaissance An age that'd have you piggyback a dream you ain't even seeing
The nights are for a people willed to kneeling Upon cracked pedestals wishing for clouds to part Windows are dark and colors man made Still some believe we can repay our golden days of industry
We will walk to pyramid peaks Where false gods once reigned Now a race of proud monuments Cryptically observing the recycled pharaohs Mementos just as empty as tomorrow's resolution
This cynic's attribution is cause for inquisition Blaming the decay for contemporary pollutions I'll sow our seeds and our children can curse them With progressive philosophy and object religion
Can't we extend our hands and find the space we're missing I'm trying my hand at living day by day For the goodness in your eyes and a future of sunlight This sermon could end and give birth to thousands more
Will you bless our prospect despite these misgivings? Can our lungs draw one more breath? Can we sustain a single heart with countless bleeding tongues? Or shall we remain as the contemplative Egyptian statues Watching our star burn out.
As I said, I came at this in terms of poetry I like to read. Other than Emily, I generally like longer lines and more everyday speech patterns.
I'm sorry, but I can't look at something anymore without editing. I'm an editor at heart.
It's not everyday something reminds me of "The Fountain." Nice work.
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