Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2006 1:37 am Posts: 2465 Location: A dark place
elementary was tough for julia
THROUGH THE FRONT DOORS
she never wore the right clothes
PAST THE OFFICE
she never knew the right people
PAST THE HALL MONITOR
she never knew what to say
PAST THE CLASSROOMS
she heard the whispers
THROUGH THE GYM
she knew what they thought
OUT THE DOOR
she planned her exit
ONTO THE PLAYGROUND
she made all of the arrangements
PAST THE SWINGS
they would see her beauty
UP THE TREE
they would see what they missed
ONE END AROUND THE TREE
her timing was impeccable
THE OTHER AROUND HER NECK
the bell rang
HER FINAL STEP
they laughed as they ran out the door
THEN THE SNAP
laughter turned into gasps
A KICK FOR LIFE
they finally noticed her
SILENCE
a special page in the yearbook
A COOL BREEZE
a child remembered
Last edited by turned2black on Fri May 25, 2007 4:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2004 12:03 am Posts: 18376 Location: outta space Gender: Male
yeah i like it a lot, but saying there's horror takes away from the actual horror that's really there... anytime a child dies its devastating... if i were you i'd mention the childrens reaction. personally i'd go with something about their innocence not understanding what happene... something that makes the reaction unique to children and is a little haunting. like the idea that she's not noticed as much as she will haunt the kids the rest of their lives
_________________
thodoks wrote:
Man, they really will give anyone an internet connection these days.
Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2006 1:37 am Posts: 2465 Location: A dark place
windedsailor wrote:
yeah i like it a lot, but saying there's horror takes away from the actual horror that's really there... anytime a child dies its devastating... if i were you i'd mention the childrens reaction. personally i'd go with something about their innocence not understanding what happene... something that makes the reaction unique to children and is a little haunting. like the idea that she's not noticed as much as she will haunt the kids the rest of their lives
Agreed on the word horror. I changed it to "gasps." Nice call. I think it reads better. Thanks!
Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2004 12:03 am Posts: 18376 Location: outta space Gender: Male
turned2black wrote:
windedsailor wrote:
yeah i like it a lot, but saying there's horror takes away from the actual horror that's really there... anytime a child dies its devastating... if i were you i'd mention the childrens reaction. personally i'd go with something about their innocence not understanding what happene... something that makes the reaction unique to children and is a little haunting. like the idea that she's not noticed as much as she will haunt the kids the rest of their lives
Agreed on the word horror. I changed it to "gasps." Nice call. I think it reads better. Thanks!
np
_________________
thodoks wrote:
Man, they really will give anyone an internet connection these days.
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot post attachments in this forum
