understand i owe you
lost from your view
bitter futile gratitude
something that you knew

then and still know now
with the confines of allow
melting mental tallow
dancing with your tao

too frayed ends fragile
and trying all the while
never ending turnstyle
fuck that last long mile

always bowed in its face
i'll still look for that place
signs and pieces to trace
with steel scatterweb lace



i don't think this one is finished...that last stanza continues to piss me off.

hi woman! great to read you! the last two lines are my favorite!

I'm not so sure that the final verse is bad, but as a whole I'd agree that it seems unfinished. I feel like you're presenting an idea, a feeling, a motivation...but there's no payoff. And not necessarily narratively-speaking; form-wise, I think we need another verse as strong as the first (pardon the Henry VIII reference). I suppose I mean a really good last verse could potentially tie everything together - I have no problem with leaving things open to interpretation, but leaving a few more clues could make for a more concrete meaning, if that's what you're after.

And the line "bitter futile gratitude" is awesome. A great blend of alliteration and assonance in just three small but powerful words. Reading this forum a lot more than ever before in the past month or so, I'm really starting to see how powerful word choice is within others' writings. You're much more than on the right track with this one.

i woulda been much more flattered had you sent this to me in PM than post it publicly