A short piece I wrote to day just to write:

Shark Attacks or how I joined the NRA by dan omalley

. My friend had told me there was a shark attack last night. She had seen it on TV. I’m not sure where that took place exactly, but I wonder where it was. Simply put, it’s not going to happen to me. Statistically, this is true: I’m more likely to be struck by lightning. It took place in my water though, which understandably triggers some sort of concern. Sharks aren’t lightning; they strike in the same place. Who am I to kid though? Like I have a choice or a say in my fate. If I stay out of the water I’ll die of a heart attack, and if I stay in the water I’ll probably die in a heart attack too. Maybe it would be a heart attack I get right after seeing a shark in the water. It’s just so damn unlikely to be attacked by a shark. It doesn’t make sense, I don’t fear comets, earthquakes, or tsunami’s. All in all I believe all those things are about as likely. Especially living in Los Angeles, which is specific to all those things but comets. Unless a comet hit the ocean. If that were the case, I imagine it would be a tsunami. A giant wall of water blasted over the city hundreds of feet high. The wave is probably filled with sharks, which will be flung onto our earth to mistake us for seals on land. Maybe I’ll buy a gun. That way I can always be prepared. It would have to fire underwater, that would be a Glock. I have a clean record so it shouldn’t be that difficult to get one. How would I shoot a shark? I’d probably have to get a membership at a shooting range to practice shooting my gun, but what good will that do? The targets aren’t in water and moving at 27 miles per hour. Lets be realistic though when these sharks invade a flooded Los Angeles, they’ll probably go slower cause there will be traffic. The flood water would probably be dirty, which would mean that the sharks performance would probably be hindered by that. Though they are just tourists, they’ll be too busy swimming down Hollywood Boulevard looking up at the signs in the sky to notice all the sleazy sex shops and fake religion’s headquarters on the street. There’s lots of drugs around there too. I should definitely get a gun, to keep myself safe from sharks and drugs.

. I think the shooting range would be good to. I’m going to sign up for that first to really force myself to purchase a gun. Where do I get a hold of a gun range? The internet I suppose. The yellow pages maybe. The internet seems will have pictures, which I think will be good to make sure I’m not joining one of those clubs where they hunt for immigrants and illiterate people. I’m not for any club that will discriminate. If you’re going to hunt people for sport it should be people of all races, incomes, genders, and countries. Is that legal here? The more I think about it a place like that would probably not be listed in the yellow pages. Why am I contemplating murder for sport anyway? I’m just buying a gun so I’m protected from sharks. Nothing else. Oh yeah, also from drugs. Sharks and drugs two threats to the future of this country.
When I purchased the gun at WalMart I was reminded that as a gun owner I should join the fight to not only own my weapon but to be able to conceal it on my person so that I’m prepared for the inevitable shark tsunami at all times. He handed me a pamphlet with Moses on it and told me the Ten Commandments of gun ownership. They were listed as this:

1. Thou shalt always shoot sharks that pose immediate danger.
2. Thou shalt not kill unless the inevitable comet driven shark tsunami comes then all bets are off.
3. One shall always limit firepower to less than their car has horse power.
4. Never gauge your man hood by your firepower. Gauge it by how many women you sleep with.
5. Thou shalt not bathe with your gun. Respect its privacy as it does yours.
6. Never flail the gun in public, unless there is an immediate threat that requires it. If this exception is at an award show or a theme park use discretion because it may be part of the show.
7. Never buy store brand bullets because they are made in non-American countries, and you are supporting drugs.
8. Never operate a weapon while under the influence. If your drugs are prescription or you are a functioning alcoholic, this rule does not apply.
9. Do not send your kids to see violent movies. They will see them on cable.
10. Finally, have fun. You are a gun owner now. Enjoy the responsibilities and powers entailed in that.

. Those were principles in which I could live by. So I said to the man. Sign me up. He then explained to me that they didn’t do that there. I went to the internet and signed up for a keen 45 dollars. You can’t put a price on safety from sharks.

i'm never writing anything long again, no one reads long

i really REALLY enjoyed that. It's so offbeat and earnest, and even though it's off the wall it's kind of touching in it's simplicity and it's naivety...Having watched 'Bowling for Columbine' for the first time last night, I'm also prompted to wonder just how unrealistic it is. I mean, yes, shark tsumnami's are a little unlikely, but then is it really more outrageous than some of the reasons that lunatics put forward as justification for gun ownership? I really REALLY like this piece, well done, PLEASE keep writing and keep up the good work!

thanks man, i'll put my next one up here

i don't think i ever put the next one up

As if I needed another thing to be afraid of, now I have shark tsunami's on my mind.
Anyway, good stuff Dan. The 4th commandment really cracked me up.

thanks, you just helped me correct some typos too

"Lets be realistic though when these sharks invade a flooded Los Angeles, they’ll probably go slower cause there will be traffic."


SO true.