This is a sketch I just wrote, which I will hopefully present to ASU's sketch comedy troupe. Let me know what you guys think of it.



JESUS FOR PRESIDENT
By Jason Shoff

(dramatic, CNN-style intro music plays)

ANNOUNCER: From the campus of Arizona State University, welcome to the first annual YouTube Republican Debates! Now, here is your moderator, Anderson Cooper.

(audience applauds…hopefully)

COOPER: Good evening, and thanks for tuning in to the Republican installment of the YouTube debates. Now, let’s meet the candidates. To my right…

(lights start flickering, and David Bowie’s song “Fame” starts playing.)

GOD: (offstage, sounding like emphatic sports announcer) And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Prince of Peace himself, (lights totally off) JEEEESUUUUUUUUUS CHRIIIIIIIIIST!

COOPER: (to someone offstage) Who was that?

(once wah-wah guitar kick in, lights come on to reveal Jesus standing center stage.)

JESUS: Guess who’s back from the dead! (ladies start rushing the stage, wanting to met Jesus). Hey, what’s going on? (starts shaking hands) You ladies are looking fine tonight (ladies swoon). Who’s your daddy? The LORD is your daddy!

COOPER: (steps in to break up the love-fest) Alright, let’s calm down here. Jesus, get to your podium. And can you please shut off the music?

JESUS: Hey, simmer down, A.C. (lowers hands to lower the music. Walks back to his podium at center stage, head turns stage left). Thanks for the audio, Matthew; I knew you wouldn’t betray me.

COPER: Alright, you’ve met one of the candidates. Now let’s meet the others…

JESUS: Um, no offense, but I’ve got lots of prayers to hear, and lots of people to heal, so if we can keep this moving….

MIT ROMNEY: I think all of the candidates have the right to an equal amount of face time…

JESUS: Well I’m Jesus Christ, bitch. Deal with it.

COOPER: Oookaaay, well Jesus, I know a lot of Republicans were praying for you to resurrect for this selection, seeing as you’re the ultimate symbol of traditional, conservative values…

JESUS: Woah, hold on there, Anderson. That’s not why I ran at all. As I was up in Heaven, I noticed that everyone here is all stressed and uptight. They’re all worried about (doing the “quote-unquote hand motion) “terrorism,” and “weapons of mass destruction,” and “Rosie O’Donnell.” I just want everyone to calm down and live life, and I can do that by bringing some J.C. into the A.D., ya know what I’m sayin’?

(brief awkward silence)

COOPER: Alllright then, let’s go to the viewer questions. This one comes to us from Amy of Hickton, Oregon.

(a cardboard cutout of a video monitor appears from stage right, which all the viewer questions will come from)

AMY: (looks like she lives out in the boonies) Hi, this question is for Rudy. My husband (who’s beside her) lost his arm in a horrific tree-sawing contest accident (husband shows the fact he has lost arm), and we couldn’t get it stitched back on ‘cause we gots no insurance. What would you do to help improve help care so future chainsawers won’t face such a crisis?

GUILIANI: Well Amy, I plan on offering a $15,000 tax deduction for families to buy private health insurance, instead of getting insurance through employers. Any leftover funds could be rolled over year-to-year for various medical expenses.

JESUS: That’s great, Rudy, but I don’t need a plan. Why? Because I AM my own medical plan. My miracles are a health care plan that I think ANYONE can agree on. And I can cure anyone and anything. If you’re blind, BANG, I can cure ya. If you are paralyzed and cannot walk, BANG, you will be able to get on your feet. And if you have an STD like genital herpes…well then you’re fucked, because there’s no way I’m touching a dude’s package.

COOPER: Um, okay, here’s another question from Phil

PHIL: (looks like he works in a food bank) I’m currently work at a homeless shelter in Detroit, and everyday, more and more people are coming in because they’re losing their jobs to people overseas. What will you do to help the less fortunate in our country who cannot afford the things many take for granted?

JESUS: Well you’re in luck, Phil, because I have something that I like to call the “Fishes and Loaves Plan.” Basically, I’ll be able to walk into any food bank or homeless shelter with one fish and a loaf of bread, and POOF, fish and bread for everyone! And not only that, but it’ll be that delicious Red Lobster cheese bread, which I think is just scrumptious!

(awkward silence; candidates look at him)

JESUS: Y’all can’t top that shit, can you!?

COOPER: I had no idea that you’d be this cocky, Jesus

JESUS: There’s a difference between cocky and confident, Anderson, and I think American’s like a savior with confidence.

COOPER: Alright, this question comes to us from Linda:

LINDA: (atypical ASU student) Hey, I’m a student from ASU who’s really concerned with the low voter turnout by students, and really the public in general, last election. What would you do to bring people to the polls?

COOPER: John, you want to field that one.

MCCAIN: Yeah, I’d just like to take this opportunity to point out some of the sad campaign ads Jesus has been using to try and force people to vote for him.

JESUS: What are you talking about!?

MCCAIN: I have one of his campaign ads here, and it clearly states "There's a circle in hell reserved for those who don't vote for Jesus."

JESUS: How is that sad? All that ad does is give Americans a sense of impending doom and eternal suffering, which is key to bringing those independent voters to the polls.

MCCAIN: But really, does America want to vote for a son of God who was late to his party’s own debate?

JESUS: Listen, I really am sorry about that, but I walked across Tempe Town Lake to get here, and it was a hell of a lot bigger than I thought it would be. But I didn’t mean to piss off any of my supporters: believe me, I know what it’s like to be left hanging.

COOPER: (slightly pissed) Alright, moving on, here’s a question for Mitt from Billy Joe.

BILLY JOE: (looks like the ultimate redneck) Mr. Romney, I have a confession to make; I hate Mexicans. Every time I see one, I just want to kick its ass square across the border. What will you do to keep those illegals out of our country, so that I don’t have to shoot one myself?

ROMNEY: Well Billy Joe, I won’t “shoot one myself,” but we must reform the current immigration laws so we can secure our borders, implement a mandatory biometrically enabled, tamper proof documentation and employment verification system, and increase legal immigration into America.

COOPER: Jesus, you want to say something.

JESUS: Yes, Anderson. I am the only candidate who can totally stop illegal immigration, because if there’s one thing Mexicans love, it’s Jesus. I’ll just go to the border and tell all Mexicans, “listen, your purpose in life is not to try and find prosperity in America, but to work for 50 cents an hour at a sweatshop. And I know they’ll listen to me!

ROMNEY: Do you really want a stereotypical racist like this running your country.

JESUS: Hey, my pops created these people, Mitt. I think I have the right to be a bit stereotypical.

COOPER: Alright, one more question, and we’ll have to wrap things up. This one comes to us from Edith in Armarillo, Texas.

EDITH: (looks like the atypical ultra-religious old women) Hi, my question is for Rudy. I want to vote for you. Rudy, I really do. But from what I’ve heard, you’ve been married three times and have had numerous affairs with others. How can I vote for you when not even your children like you?

GUILIANI: Listen, I’ve made mistakes, and I can’t help how my children feel about me. But I think the way you handle your personal life is a whole lot different than the way one runs a country, and I feel like I have the experience and ability to do so.

JESUS: Amen to that, Rudy! I mean, Mary Magdalene was my bitch! She was like my own personal sex slave, man. And listen, I know she claimed that I gave her a burning bush, but I told her ‘that’s what you get for playing with my apples and taunting my serpent,’ if you know what I’m sayin’.

MCCAIN: I can’t believe what I’m hearing right now!

JESUS: Well at least you have to be (raises hand) this tall to ride my ride, John. And I wasn’t playing footsie with Judas, either.

(awkward silence)

JESUS: Come on, you’re all acting like I should be this perfect human being, like a saint or something.

COOPER: Yeah, well you are the son of God.

JESUS: No shit, Sherlock, no shit! (slight pause) Listen, (lights start to fade except for center one, shining down on Jesus) I have my vices just like everyone else. I like to drink once in awhile; I mean, there’s a reason I turned water into wine and not fucking Juicy Juice. And you know what, there’s nothing wrong with having a joint once in awhile, either. Believe me, me and my apostles were passing around more than just bread at that supper, if you know what I mean. But what’s God going to do? Slap my wrist or something? Say “bad boy, Jesus, bad boy!” and send me to my room? I’ve already been assumed into Heaven, and I’m his fucking SON, for crying out loud, and he’s forgiven me for ALL my sins.

(all lights up, with candidates and Cooper looking at Jesus in disbelief. Slight awkward pause)

ROMNEY: You’re not the son of God that I’ve been worshipping, Jesus.

JESUS: Yeah, well tough shit.

COOPER: Jesus Christ, you’re an asshole

JESUS: Hey, don’t you DARE take my name in vein, bitch!

(runs to attack Cooper, lights out)

"well, then you're fucked, because there is no way I'm touching a dude's package."

lulz.

a couple other tunes you could have with it are the ruling class by loose fur or christ for president by billy bragg and wilco.

And listen, I know she claimed that I gave her a burning bush, but I told her ‘that’s what you get for playing with my apples and taunting my serpent,’ if you know what I’m sayin’.

Oh my goodness!!! I died laughing at that the first time, but the second time I read that line I almost fell off my seat. Wow!! That was amazing. I HAVE to read more of your stuff like that. That was a classic! Wow! Ahaha!