I'm not interested in moral judgements from people on this one, eg., "how could someone ever have an affair," etc. I'm interested in the idea of someone saying, "yes, im having this affair, its a lot of fun, i really like the other person, but my marriage is still fundamentally sound and secure." is it possible that this is the truth, or must a person who makes this statement be lying to themselves? I'm not talking about a drunken one-night slip up, by the way. I'm talking about a two-three months ongoing relationship with the other person that includes dinners, walks, movies, concerts, etc. The marriage however, is currently a long-distance one.


So...opinions? And no, nobody is gonna get me to admit whether i am one of the involved characters here, whether its one of my friends, or whether i just made it up.

tough question

im going to need to see pictures to make a fair assesment.

I used to be friends with a bartender named Petey, who had a great marriage but still slept with one of the bar regulars (who wasn't even attractive, but then again neither was he). I asked him why, and he just said for the thrill of it. Kind of a how-long-can-this-go-on thing.

Just to show everyone he wasn't a decent guy who was just challenged at marital fidelity, he stiffed me 100 bucks on a football bet I made with him. I stopped being friends with him after that.

this isn't a difficult question.

If you're in what's supposed to be a commited relationship with someone- marriage, whatever- and one of you decides to start fucking other people, then it's not a relationship anymore.

and there's underlying issues present that one or both of you don't want to admit to in the relationship so you seek out other people to fulfill thoise needs that your supposed significant other isn't fulfilling for you.

There's nothing happy about that kind of relationship.

That's why I'm glad our relationship is so special, Mary. We never have to seek outside attention.

yes, lying and or hiding things from your spouse is pretty much an indication that massive failure is ahead. i think this could only work if all parties involved are open about it. and even then, the chances of "succeeding" aren't all that good i think. jealousy is one of those things you can't measure till you feel it.

you're probably right

yes.

Yes, YES.

this part i definitely agree with. but it's a difficult thing to get someone to see if they're convinced the marriage is fundamentally good.

I don't presume to know if this is your relationship or not- and honestly it doesn't matter either way- if it's difficult (as you mention) to get someone to see there's a problem, and they believe the relationship is a 'good one' then as the other person in that relationship, you (or whoever) are spending time being with someone who isn't particularly concerned with whatever negative effects their lack of faithfulness to the relationship has on you (them, again, whoever) and to me, that's kind of a waste of time.

Life is short. Most of us deserve to be with people (hopefully for the rest of our lives) who love us enough to not want to hurt us in that way- if you're not (The "YOU" in general) then you have some kind of responsibility to yourself to question WHY you're in the relationship in the first place...

you're a real snake, eh delima?

How could someone ever have an affair???

thanks for your concern malice....i don't mind saying that i am not a partner in the marriage, or the other guy involved, just so people feel freer to speak honestly. it's just an interesting situation...the woman having the affair is kind smart, caring, and says that (and i believe her) she deeply loves her husband. her and her husband were in an open relationship for a while before they got engaged, and each of them has had at least one one-night fling since they did get engaged. they both know about each other's one-niters and in neither case were too upset, but the wife has not told the husband about the current thing cuz it's much longer and more substantial than a one-niter. is this marriage doomed? or can people overlook sexual and even emotional indiscretions when they share a genuine connection and bond?

i guess what im interested in, is it just my uptight western cultural values that makes me feel like something's wrong? or does lack of fidelity automatically mean a troubled marriage?

damn skippy

I just think there's something wrong with a person that's unwilling to take into account how their actions may affect other people.

Women who do this are about the most pathetic people I'm aware of, men who do this are scummy and need to be kicked out of a relationship.

I don't care if that's western culture speaking in me or not- you want to go fuck other people? go for it! but don't drag someone else's life and well-being through the mud to do it.

there's plenty of other pathetic people out there who are more than happy to fuck you silly, no need to do it at the expense of someone you are supposed to care about.

etc.

Honey, I thought we had agreed not to post about this on the internet?

I have a problem with the concept of mating for life with only one person, how many other animals in the world do that?