People seem to be worried about Pearl Jam's apparent waning fanbase. With a new album in the works, what better time to try and win back some old fans, and maybe even get some new ones...So i've decided to offer up a few suggestions to the band that might help them win back megastardom. If the band takes these suggestions to heart, theres no reason they can't win back the hearts and minds of America.

#1) Change the name. What the fuck is a Pearl Jam anyways?! A few suggestions might be, The Pearl Jam's (cause "the" bands are trendy), or PJ92 (cause number bands are also trendy), or how about Eddie Vedder and the Bettermen?

#2) Eddie needs to shoot someone. You don't have street cred these days unless you've been involved in some sort of gang violence. So Eddie, join a gang, shoot or stab someone, and write an album about it.

#3) Enlist the production skills of the hotest artists out there. And if Dr. Dre isn't available, go for Justin Timberlake. I think it might look something like this:


Also you should take this into account...you can NEVER have enough guest appearances. Every song on the new album should be "featuring" another artist. A few of my suggestions would be David Bowie, Ludacris, Scott Stapp, Gary Coleman and J Lo.

#4) The guys NEED to have a reality show. Something that shows the mundane details of their lives plus EXTREME STUNTS!!!!!!! Kinda like the Osbournes meets Fear Factor. Wouldn't you love to watch Matt take out the garbage, and see Mike fumble with doing his hair in the morning...and then watch them jump from one building to another and confront their fears for your viewing delight?

Also make as many guest appearances on other stars shows like this:


#5) Kick out that Boom Gasper dude. What is he like 80? The band needs a DJ. Someone to rip up the turntables. What's that moron from Limp Bizkit doing these days? I'm sure he needs work. Just imagine what some of your favorite PJ tunes would sound like with a little scratching...
"C-C-C-C-Can't-Can't-Can't find a betterman!"

#6) Get out in the public eye! Go to all the awards shows, and galas and whatever it is that celebrities do. Date a superstar. Isn't Jennifer Aniston avalable now?


#7) LIVE IT UP. C'mon you guys are rock stars. Where are the Hummers? Where are the mansions? The answer is, I dont know because you don't show us. Am I to believe that Good Charlotte, those muppet babies of punk rock have a nicer pad than you? HELL NO!!!! Oh and a little Bling Bling now and then wouldn't hurt either.



This guide should get you started in the right direction. I hope that helps guys. So when the new album comes out, just give a shout out to me in the liner notes, or on an episode of Cribs, whatever works for you.

Man, if they did any of that crap I'd have to start looking for a new favorite band. Very funny none-the-less.

Your forgot #8:

More cowbell.


Gotta have more cowbell.

I agree with everything, except ... I think stabbings are the new shootings. Eddie needs to find someone to stab him in a rib or the leg. Can I say it really makes me nervous to suggest this on the message board. PLEASE, no one go stab Eddie! He'll set it up himself.

And you missed one thing. 2 words: Sex Tape!

Suggested titles: Jamming Pearl, Eddie Beds-Her

good call on the sex tape. i forgot that one. and as for the stabbing, i think were all responsible enough not stab one of our favorite musicians. that's why i suggested he join a gang. hell they may just do it as initiation

you sir are a crazy dude

What about "Hard as Stone."

you got me thinking on that and your probably right. i changed it so now ed is the one inciting the violence

wonderful post,
only one remark,
I've read Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt were back together.

seems like you have some time on your hands...don't get out much do you mike...

funny guy . i did that over my morning coffee. took about 30 minutes tops

Absolutely, hands down, one of the best posts I've read anywhere in months.

I'm glad Xzibit made it into the thread

Awesome.

that had to take way to much time

Mike--

Clever way to address everyone's fears. Irony and satire are usually good at doing such things.

By far one of the greatest threads I've ever read.

Haha, hilarious. Nice going mike.

haha,, veryu funny dude!

and u forgot also a song with his daughter.

and Matt could also makes his drums spin or fly or somthing like the bands in the 80's use to do... that was fun!