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 Post subject: pretty words that pretty much need some work
PostPosted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 9:52 am 
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i threw this together in like 10 minutes. its a stream of consicousness, i guess. ill eventually reword this and try to make it poetic or whatever. but this is the framework.

in all the confusion, i know my challenge.

it is to make someone, who has
(by no fault of their own)
been forced to accept
abandonment and rejection
as the norm.

to realize that i love her...
i love her unconditionally,
perhaps in a way that no one has before.

to understand that
i will never leave her,
that i will always support her,
be it in her hour of glorious exaltation
or her most sorrowful moments of despair.

i will always feel my heart beat faster
when her hand is in mine...
and that solace will forever solidify
my unquenchable desire to see her smile,
to hear her laugh, to inspire her,
and most importantly,
to assure her that no matter how dark
the world around us becomes,
the light of my love for her cannot be extinguished.

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:peace: frank


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 Post subject: Re: pretty words that pretty much need some work
PostPosted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 3:26 pm 
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this was ok last night, but now that im sober i can see how i really, really need to work on it. :|

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 Post subject: Re: pretty words that pretty much need some work
PostPosted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 4:18 am 
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I think it does need work, but it's obviously something you mean. It's sweet. What matters most is if the person you wrote it for will like it. That is if she will ever see it.

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 Post subject: Re: pretty words that pretty much need some work
PostPosted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 7:15 pm 
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Yeah Yeah Yeah
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Considering it's a first 'draft' i guess, I really like it - it feels real which is a skill in itself.

My only criticism would be the last line/metaphor. The whole idea of love being a light that goes out seems a little easy and (to me) it devalues the heart that carries the piece throughout the whole thing up to that point.


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 Post subject: Re: pretty words that pretty much need some work
PostPosted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 7:25 pm 
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Play C3 wrote:
ill eventually reword this and try to make it poetic or whatever.


If you change this I will have to kick your ass so hard you'll be chewing on my toenails for a week. It's absolutely gorgeous the way it is; it's simple, it's direct, it's from the heart, and it's honest. That's the way a love poem should be. Don't change it, PLEASE don't change it!

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 Post subject: Re: pretty words that pretty much need some work
PostPosted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 8:57 pm 
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skunkthecat wrote:
Play C3 wrote:
ill eventually reword this and try to make it poetic or whatever.


If you change this I will have to kick your ass so hard you'll be chewing on my toenails for a week. It's absolutely gorgeous the way it is; it's simple, it's direct, it's from the heart, and it's honest. That's the way a love poem should be. Don't change it, PLEASE don't change it!

:thumbsup:

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 Post subject: Re: pretty words that pretty much need some work
PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 1:07 am 
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skunkthecat wrote:
Play C3 wrote:
ill eventually reword this and try to make it poetic or whatever.


If you change this I will have to kick your ass so hard you'll be chewing on my toenails for a week. It's absolutely gorgeous the way it is; it's simple, it's direct, it's from the heart, and it's honest. That's the way a love poem should be. Don't change it, PLEASE don't change it!


wow. this made me smile, and fear your toenails. im glad you like it so much. :D

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 Post subject: Re: pretty words that pretty much need some work
PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 1:09 am 
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iceagecoming wrote:
Considering it's a first 'draft' i guess, I really like it - it feels real which is a skill in itself.

My only criticism would be the last line/metaphor. The whole idea of love being a light that goes out seems a little easy and (to me) it devalues the heart that carries the piece throughout the whole thing up to that point.


i know what you mean about the light/darkness thing. but that is an ongoing metaphor that pops up in a lot of the stuff i write about this girl (for example, in this forum..around page 5 or 6 or so, theres another thing i did called daybreak. also very simple, also uses the light/dark idea). maybe its time for some new ones. :idea:

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 Post subject: Re: pretty words that pretty much need some work
PostPosted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:54 pm 
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Play C3 wrote:
iceagecoming wrote:
Considering it's a first 'draft' i guess, I really like it - it feels real which is a skill in itself.

My only criticism would be the last line/metaphor. The whole idea of love being a light that goes out seems a little easy and (to me) it devalues the heart that carries the piece throughout the whole thing up to that point.


i know what you mean about the light/darkness thing. but that is an ongoing metaphor that pops up in a lot of the stuff i write about this girl (for example, in this forum..around page 5 or 6 or so, theres another thing i did called daybreak. also very simple, also uses the light/dark idea). maybe its time for some new ones. :idea:


I read it again, and the sentiment's actually very sweet. It's an overused idea (at least it feels it to me) but you use it well.


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