Edit: I think this is the finished piece after a couple of alterations.

And,
For every word I couldn’t say,
I am never more
Sorry.
And the air’s icey sighs
Remind me
As I walk,
That -
This world is tired,
Exhausted -
We're all fucking beat...
And
I am never more
Alone.
The lions are resting,
The sun is sinking, and
The clouds' dry palms
Cover our eyes, and
they will try and
make this quick.
And,
I remember when
This town held
Our hearts:
A pair of petals
In a palm...
And now
It only looks good
At night,
From afar -
When it’s a
Series of lights
Kissing the stars.
And
I am never more sorry,
For this crooked morning
Will steal you
Both.

from 'the air's icy sighs' onward, this was great. it reminds me of something that just happened the other night. i was walking alone in boston (where i dont live, so i was a stranger to the streets) and going through my own little existential crisis. these words could have easily narrarated my journey, and i can almost hear the music that should accompany them.

Thanks for the comment. This was thrown straight up from first draft, and i thnk i'm going to revert back to my old methods of at least giving it a week or re-reading until i can be sure i'm happy with it. I'm really unconfident with this at the moment and you've helped me realise why - the first half is wordy and distracting, i'm going to edit it down for now, maybe re-write other parts later. I still need to think of a decent title.

Edit: See the first post of the thread for the updated version

wow, i really enjoyed this, especially its structure. nice work

Iceage, yet again you blow me away with your work. I briefly read through the first draft of this, but I think I prefer the layout and the pacing of this second draft - I think it allows the reader more time to digest some really powerful imagery, more time for it to really hit home. If you don't mind me making a suggestion, that middle piece from 'I remember when...', would you consider slowing it up a little maybe?

"I remember when
This town
held our hearts:
A pair of petals
in a palm...
And now, It only looks good
At night,
From afar -"

Sorry, you know from my own writing style I'm a format freak, I can't resist it! I really like this piece, I like it's jaded feeling, and again, your imagery is stunning. I don't know how you do it man, time after time, you're a supremely talented writer, please keep posting!

That's so kind, thanks =)

And the suggestion...i was thinking of slowing the pace a little there too. The idea felt a little lost the way it was, when it's probably the part that triggered the piece off initially. Thanks for confirming it, i'll adjust.

Cheers. You haven't posted in these parts for a while...when can we expect to next hear from you?

This is great work. Good job.

Here are the lines I really enjoy:

Thanks SSR =) The part you highlighted was actually the starting point, everything else was written around it.

Just goes to show that sometimes our initial flurry of writing really is the best.

just thought id browse the release section today, haven't looked in here for awhile. I'm impressed, i really like this poem. "the air’s icey sighs" - i like it, the feeling of cold and tiredness, as "the sun is sinking"


i really need to check out this section more often it is very rewarding, it feels so peaceful and tranquil if you can say such a thing about a message board.

Thanks mookie.

This part of the forum is often overlooked, but there are some great writers and (really) great musicians sharing their stuff here. I think the few replies i've gotten here must be a record for me =) It's a shame feedback doesn't come from more places on the board.