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 Post subject: Rooms
PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 1:01 am 
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wat
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Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:10 pm
Posts: 5221
Location: Smile Guess Who?
Gender: Female
There once
was this sacred
candlelit room
monestarial stucco
I wasnt much more than
A child
Remember?
It was beautiful...
We were joined then...
as we are now...
I lost you to the hallway
I love you

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Last visit was: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm
It is currently Wed Oct 22, 2008 6:43 am
When the Power of Love overcomes the Love of Power, the World will know Peace. - Jimi Hendrix


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 Post subject: Re: Rooms
PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2008 12:23 am 
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Got Some
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Joined: Mon Mar 20, 2006 2:01 pm
Posts: 2333
Location: Branford, CT
I'd say capitalize every line, it does take a bit away.
The word sacred is very loaded, and with a shorter piece, I'll recommend breaking that word down into a more tangible line or two. Monestarial stucco, interesting indeed; but I definitely want more.
I'll go out on a limb and say there is more here, and I want to see that.
Also don't end on the words I love you, just a word to the wise, but it has more connotations than anything you write will ever bring further forth. Take it further; we've all been there and as a writer you have to open eyes.

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absinthe makes the heart grow fonder
And so it goes...


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 Post subject: Re: Rooms
PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 3:01 pm 
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wat
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Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:10 pm
Posts: 5221
Location: Smile Guess Who?
Gender: Female
Kosmicjelli wrote:
There once
was this sacred
candlelit room
monestarial stucco
I wasnt much more than
A child
Remember?
It was beautiful...
We were joined then...
as we are now...
I lost you to the hallway
I love you


Well it was a dream from my childhood and Im not a poetess... just a thought! LMAO! Phew! Wiping brow! I didnt know there was going to be a test at the end of class.... BTW "I love you" was the way I felt when I awoke... what happened inbetween the walls of the monestarial stucco was sacred...for there "he" only knows what happened and there is no other word to describe it . SACRED was the finite reality there in that dream. Im not publishing it and the thought was just an open message to the one whom catches my dreams frequently and the one whom is them alot.

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Last visit was: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm
It is currently Wed Oct 22, 2008 6:43 am
When the Power of Love overcomes the Love of Power, the World will know Peace. - Jimi Hendrix


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 Post subject: Re: Rooms
PostPosted: Sun Dec 14, 2008 10:18 am 
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losing relevance
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Joined: Fri Mar 24, 2006 11:39 pm
Posts: 9251
Location: Somewhere Expansive
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cool poem


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