When it is revealed that Homer is grossly unqualified to be a safety inspector at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, he goes to Springfield University to study nuclear physics. While there, Homer befriends a group of nerds and encourages them to steal a rival school's mascot pig. The prank backfires, getting the nerds expelled. In attempt to get them reinstated, Homer devises another brilliant prank. This one lands their dean in traction, but when Homer comes clean about the first prank, the nerds are once again allowed back on campus. And it's just in time, too, since finals are coming up. After a marathon study session, Homer still flunks nuclear physics, but his new friends hack into the school computer and change his grade to an "A."
Burns: The watchdog of public safety...is there any lower form of life? Smithers: Don't worry sir, I rounded up our less gifted employees and led them into the basement. [Shot of the basement with Homer and two other guys] Bernie: Duh, Homer, why are we down here? Homer: Aw, geez. I told you, Bernie: to guard the bee! Man: [whining] But why? Homer: Aw, you guys are pathetic. No wonder Smithers made me head bee-guy. [Homer kicks the jar accidentally, smashing it, and the bee escapes] Bernie: Duh, he's gettin' away. Man: Oh, we did bad!
Agent 2: I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck! Burns: Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.
Burns: Remember, your job and the future of your family hinges onyour successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101. Oh, and one more thing: [ominously] you must find the jade monkey before the next full moon. Smithers: Actually sir, we found the jade monkey; it was in your glove compartment. Burns: And the road maps? And ice scraper? Smithers: They were in there too, sir. Burns: Excellent! It's all falling into place.
Man: I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but I must object. This Simpson is not qualified! [There are nods of agreement] Burns: I see. Well, you know, fellows, I look at the admissions board a lot like a baseball team. You all like baseball, don't you? [Everyone assents] Yes, well, to have a successful baseball club, you need teamwork, [Smithers hands him a baseball bat] not some hot-dog admissions officer playing by his own rules! [Burns starts hitting the man in the head with almost no force] Man:[noticing] Er, excuse me, what are you doing? Burns: I'm giving you the [grunt] beating of your life! Man: Look, if -- stop that! -- you wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so? Burns:[collapses from exertion] Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.
Homer: Woo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma any more! [sets fire to it and starts singing] I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T...
Homer:[spiking the punch] Heh heh, I'll be a campus hero. [Another student tastes the punch and spits it out] Student: Attention, everyone: the punch has been spiked. [Everyone gasps] Don't worry. Your parents have been called and will be here to pick you up shortly! [Everyone cheers] Homer: Marge, someone squeezed all the life out of these kids. And unless movies and TV have lied to me, it's a crusty, bitter old Dean! Dean: Hi there! Hello, I'm Dean Peterson, but you can call me Bobby. I just want you to know if you ever feel stressed out from studying or whatever, I'm always up for some hackey sack. Or, hey, if you just want to come by and jam, I used to be the bass player for the Pretenders. [plays a riff] Homer:[bitterly] Boy, I can't wait to take some of the starch out of that stuffed shirt.
Dean: Homer, no one blames you for the accident, we simply feel you might benefit from outside tutoring. I researched these names myself. [hands him a list] Homer:[to himself] Yeah, you've won this round, Dean...but the war isn't over. [Homer exits the room; the Dean's phone rings] Dean: Hello? Homer:[disguising his voice] Hello, Dean! You're a stupid-head. Dean: Homer, is that you? [looks out his window] Homer:[looks up, sees the Dean looking at him] Aah!
Homer: We played Dungeons & Dragons for three hours! Then I was slain by an elf. Bart: Listen to yourself, man: you're hangin' with nerds. Homer: You take that back! Marge: Homer, please! These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds.
Nerd 2: What are you going to do, Mr. Simpson? Homer: Actually, I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out. Nerd 2: Or, with our help, you can cram like you've never crammed before! Homer: Whatever. Either way is good.
_________________ Gotta say it now.... better loud than too late.
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