Aries March 21 - April 19 The coming week will feature ball lighting, skin lesions, and a gasoline truck. Then things will get ugly.
Taurus April 20 - May 20 Wrinkles are usually a sign of aging, but in your case they just mean you should get out of the tub.
Gemini May 21 - June 21 Your tryst with a married woman will come to an end this week when she finally asks you for a divorce.
Cancer June 22 - July 22 Everything will go according to plan, except for the injured hostages, the brief shoot-out with police, and the fact that you were just trying to make toast.
Leo July 23 - August 22 The stars indicate that you're a lean, mean sex machine. Also, the stars indicate that you only take quarters.
Virgo August 23 - September 22 True happiness will continue to elude you in the days to—wait, there it is! There, behind the couch! Quickly, it's getting away!
Libra September 23 - October 23 Having a child is one of the most thrilling experiences a woman can have, but you'll give it all up for the rush of riding your town's new rollercoaster.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21 Your life will have a fairy tale ending. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the three bears returning home.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of a red-bellied trout.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19 Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18 Aquarius would love nothing more than to predict your future, but its old lady just got back from the C-Town, and man, that shit smells good.
Pisces February 19 - March 20 You will accidentally jump to your death this week, thanks to a rather low ceiling fan.
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Last edited by PaperNapkinNotes on Tue Jan 06, 2009 5:54 pm, edited 6 times in total.
Joined: Sat Aug 13, 2005 11:31 pm Posts: 7162 Location: The Only "Non-NESN" County CT Gender: Male
Taurus April 20 - May 20 The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
its true
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dirtyfrank0705 wrote:
At the age of 40, PunkDavid will check his own prostate and then bill his doctor.
Aquarius There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day
Pisces Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say
Aries The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
Taurus You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep
Gemini Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest
Cancer The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test
Leo Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik
Virgo All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of the is absolutely true.
Where was I?
Libra A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week
Scorpio Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak
Sagittarius All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them) Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den
Capricorn The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again
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frank