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 Post subject: Face Transplant
PostPosted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 6:30 am 
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losing relevance
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Joined: Fri Mar 24, 2006 11:39 pm
Posts: 9251
Location: Somewhere Expansive
Gender: Male
Face Transplant

Deepest Darkest Tissue
Great Idea’s I’m hiding
America the crying baby
Silicone the dying man

You know where we came from
Where we hid on that planet
In outer space, without a face
To fend

You have heightened senses
In your finger tips
A trying day, a cow to milk
A hen

Icky mother goose
Dead round the neck
A support system
A divorced system
When will I see again

Aging, in the cosmological world
Trying to fend off sharks
In the Lagoon
Can’t keep the dolphins
In this world for long

Waiting game
Just anyone
I can’t imagine
How it’s done

Face Transplant
A face you’ll love
You’ll cherish me
I died abrupt


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 Post subject: Re: Face Transplant
PostPosted: Mon Jan 12, 2009 1:11 am 
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Got Some
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Joined: Mon Mar 20, 2006 2:01 pm
Posts: 2333
Location: Branford, CT
Seems to be all over the place. Sounds great in some places:
...
You have heightened senses
In your finger tips
A trying day, a cow to milk
...
Dead round the neck
A support system
A divorced system
...

It just doesn't seem to land anywhere.
...
Waiting game
Just anyone
I can’t imagine
How it’s done
...

This is why I don't like rhyme.

Again, it seems like there is a much bigger idea that needs to be tapered down and exposed. The imagery that is tacked into the last stanza should swim throughout the piece, make connections and draw the reader in; then drown them.

Good job though, keep on truckin'

_________________
absinthe makes the heart grow fonder
And so it goes...


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 Post subject: Re: Face Transplant
PostPosted: Mon Jan 12, 2009 2:49 pm 
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Johnny Guitar
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Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 6:32 pm
Posts: 140
Image

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SHUT UP AND JAM


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