When Homer begins to notice Lenny and Carl acting strangely, he trails them and discovers that they are members of The Stonecutters, a secret organization. Homer wants to join but he can't unless he's the son of a member. Luckily, Grampa is a Stonecutter (and a member of the Black Panthers) so Homer's membership is a shoo-in. Once on the inside, Homer discovers that the Stonecutters are a rigidly hierarchical group--he is given a number instead of a name, and must work his way up the ladder. But when Number One, the Stonecutters' leader, spies a mark on Homer's butt, he is anointed the Chosen One. As Supreme Head of the Stonecutters, Homer foolishly turns a once-great secret organization into a laughingstock. His followers rebel and start a new secret club, The Ancient Mystic Society of No Homers.
Homer: So anyway, Lenny and Carl are never around on Wednesdays and they don't tell me where they go. It's like a conspiracy. Bart: A conspiracy, eh? You think they might be involved in the Kennedy assassination in some way? Homer: I do...now. Anyway, I'm going to follow them tonight and see where they go. Marge: Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again. It's so ILLEGAL. Remember when you were stalking Charles Kuralt because you thought he dug up your garden? Homer: Well, something did! Marge: I don't want you stalking anyone tonight. Homer: Oh, OK, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minute [gets up]. I'm...[sly] going outside. To... stalk... Lenny and Carl. [realizes] D'oh!
Homer: I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff! And I want in. Carl: We don't, uh, know what you're talking about, Homer. Lenny: And you can't join the Stonecutters because it's too exclusive! Carl: [sighs] Well, it was a real nice secret organization we had once.
Homer: I'd give anything to get into the Stonecutters. Lisa: What do they do there, Dad? Abe: I'm a member -- Homer: What do they do? What DON'T they do? [laughs] Oh, they do so many things they never stop. Oh, the things they do there, my stars. Lisa: You don't know what they do there, do you? Homer: Not as such, no. Abe: I'm a Stonecutter -- Bart: Dad, remember those self-hypnosis courses we took to help us ignore Grampa? Homer: Do I ever! It's five years later and I STILL think I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken, Marge! Marge: I know, I know. Bart: Maybe we should be listening to him now. Abe: I'm a member! Homer: Huh? Abe: What? Homer: What? Abe: Huh? Lisa: You're a member of the Stonecutters, Grampa? Abe: Oh, sure. Let's see...[pulls out wallet, starts going through it] I'm an elk, a Mason, a communist. I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason...ah, here it is. The Stonecutters. Homer: This is it! My ticket in: they have to let me in if I'm the son of a member. I'll take this communist one too. [walks out]
Lenny: Your membership pack. [hands it to him] Homer:[pulls out a decal] What's this? Lenny: You put that sticker on your car so you won't get any tickets. And this other one keeps paramedics from stealing your wallet while they're working on you. Carl: Oh, and don't bother calling 911 any more...here's the REAL number. [hands him a card with "912"] Homer: Ooh!
Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down? We do! We do. Who leaves the Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps? We do! We do. Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star? We do! We do. Who robs cave fish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night? We do! We do.
Homer: I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me. Marge: You're not a god, Homer. Lisa: Remember Dad, "All glory is fleeting." Homer: So? Lisa: "Beware the Ides of March." Homer: No! Lisa: Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not going to last forever. Homer: Everything lasts forever. Lisa: Don't you see? Getting what you want all the time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless. Homer: Remove the girl... Lisa: Dad, you're not with your Stonecutters now. There are no lackeys around to carry out your every -- [Bart covers her mouth, drags her away, then salutes]
Homer: Lisa, you were right. My happiness IS fading. Lisa: You're experiencing spiritual emptiness because your power has isolated you from other human beings. Homer: What do you mean, isolated? [echo in the class: "ated...ated...ated...ated"] Lisa: Well, maybe you could reach out to the community and help other people. Homer: Hmm...I COULD help others. [slowly] I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress them up, and make them reenact the civil war. Lisa: Dad, that doesn't help people! Homer: Couldn't hurt...unless the monkeys start hurting people. Which they almost certainly would.
_________________ Gotta say it now.... better loud than too late.
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