She's gonna be there
I will be there albeit the same kind of condemnation I face everywhere
I think I might think for too long
Until the moment passes and passes again
I think you'll have thought I was somewhere else when in fact I was here
Resemble somewhat an uncertain skies
And then maybe I'll get carried away for the first time

I tack things up on a peg board
I can live in the moment
You've hinted that you've given thought to the ultimate future
And that maybe I'll end up there too, finally with some tact
I think we both spend most of our time with our head in the clouds anyway

Did you picture the perfect adventure
Escorted by a grisly yet human face
A man who could carry you on his back
If I pass away in the moment
Could we be convinced that
I'll end up sitting on the same couch as you, no matter what at some point

I don't know

Your language isn't bad Dev but do you even try to break your lines? Poetry isn't just plopping some thoughts down and moving on.

Also, avoid cliches.

Sorry, that sounds really harsh. I was kinda pissed about other stuff when I wrote it.

You've posted a lot of stuff here Dev, and a lot of it is the same style: a bunch of lines thrown together. Some of them are very good, and some of them are terribly cliched. I'm not sure how interested you are in having this become poetry, but if you have any inclinations of being a poet, it would behoove you to learn how to break your lines. Lines like this together:

I tack things up on a peg board
I can live in the moment

are pretty good: it's a nice little contradiction and a nice little image combined with an editorialization. However, the rest of the poem falls into cliches: "heads in the clouds", "carried away". Search for better images, more specific images. One big complaint is that I can never picture your stuff. Delve into specifics.

And break your lines, not just when a thought ends. Otherwise it's just prose with weird spacing between sentences.

Hope this helps dude. You seem to do well with this collage style of broken images, but make them more broken and more image based.

Interesting, one thing I'll defend are the "cliches" mostly I think they are just honest but the fact of the matter is that they probably aren't cliche at all. The poem stemmed from my mild frustration with the same girl I spent my night with tonight. I began to articulate the tension and then imagined it all working out far too late. I started to get ideas for metaphors regarding the afterlife. Basically I think the poem is describing us sitting on the couch philosiphising about if there is an afterlife or not and if we will see eachother there. Head in the clouds is kind of a cute throw to that. Guess I can't defend "carried away" except that I think it is just me being humble.

I don't know how to break my lines or write properly. I just get the words out and I know they sound right but I'm always debating where the next line starts and if this get broken into 2 etc.

Also I think most of imagery is as specific as I would ever want to get it. I believe in ambiguity and a lack of absolutes.

I appreciate the criticism for real and although I defend against most of it I think it's good for me to be concientious of other perspectives.